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Q. Dear Meredith, I’ve had something on my mind… My dating history since my divorce in 2000 has been up and down, and lately it has flatlined. There was The One Who Got Away (he lasted three years), The Bigot (2 dates), the Skinny Sports Columnist (he smoked incessantly), Mr. Big (long-distance), and then 15 years of nothing. Nada. Maybe it’s my long hair and newly straightened teeth, but in the past couple of years, even at my advanced age, I’ve been getting attention. At first the attention is thrilling and very ego-boosting; it’s the feeling of hope and “Is this really happening?,” but as soon as there’s an expectation of MORE, well, it’s not like riding a bicycle. For me, anyways. There is no THERE there. The idea of cuddling even turns me off. And kissing? Ew, is that your tongue?? Don’t touch me! The hormones have left the building, and I’m never going to take any, so don’t suggest it. So my question is, can a man and a woman be companions, do “companion-y” things, even if the relationship is never going to go there? (You know where). Because in this day and age of endless low testosterone ads, it is my experience that the male very much intends to go there. There’s a pill for that. No matter what his age. I have no problem paying my way for the restaurants and Red Sox games, concerts, and Big E-type entertainment events that are out there, that would be fun for companion-y outings. I just want to know, mostly from the men out there, if my request for that type of relationship is preposterous. Is it possible to do stuff with absolutely no expectation of MORE, without one’s feelings being hurt? And from my fellow post-menopausal, Medicare-collecting women out there, am I in the forest alone, or is there a chorus of other women who hear me? – Friends with No Benefits A. I’m sure there are men who would love this kind of relationship. For some, it might be a wonderful way to have companionship without pressure for more. I do wonder: cuddling isn’t always a sexual thing. It can be about love and comfort. But you don’t want that either? Is it possible you simply want more friends? If so, look for pals. Join clubs. Seek out like-minded souls who have time to do social things. A concept to consider, though – and I say this as someone who once took a fairly long break from dating (lol, it was like a decade). Sometimes activities seem weird (like cuddling), and you try them and think, “This is not like riding a bike.” But then, after the third time you get on that bike, you think, “actually, I like riding, but it has to be on a flat, paved surfaces, in nice weather, and with a helmet.” I’ve lost the metaphor here, but my point is that if you get to know someone and decide they’re special, physical touch might be enjoyable, even if it’s not a sex thing. I won’t lecture you about medication or tell you to try harder. All I’ll say is: be open. You’ve changed, as a whole person, many times over the years, I assume. Your priorities might shift again. For now, seek out good company, communicate with the people you like, and decide, as you get to know them better, whether your desires evolve. – Meredith Readers? Would you be interested in a relationship that is just about companionship? What about cuddling? Send your own question about friendships, dates, no dates, love, divorce, breakups, and families through the anonymous form – or email [email protected].
