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Many of us make best friends in childhood and young adulthood, when we’re seeing people every day and sharing tons of experiences. But making new, close friends as an adult can be much harder without that shared context. “It is rarer to make a ‘best’ friend as an adult. But just because it’s rarer doesn’t mean it’s impossible,” said Saba Harouni Lurie, marriage and family therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy. “Friendships can absolutely develop into that deeper connection over time if we’re willing to take those risks and create opportunities to be vulnerable.” Making new friends is often necessary as adults — when we move somewhere new, when our friends move away, when our friends take on more responsibilities or when we don’t feel we’ve already been able to foster those close friendships throughout our life. Advertisement “Friendships can absolutely develop into that deeper connection over time if we’re willing to take those risks and create opportunities to be vulnerable.” “Making and maintaining friendships as an adult, let alone a BFF, can be super challenging,” said Layne Baker, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “You aren’t making that up, and you aren’t ‘doing it wrong’ if it’s difficult for you to make and maintain friendships at this stage in your life.” Developing new friendships can be an incredibly fulfilling experience for adults, but for whatever reason, it’s not often encouraged in mainstream culture. Advertisement “‘Making friends’ is primarily viewed as a childhood/adolescent social developmental milestone; and as a culture, we have been misled by the socialized expectation to focus on romantic relationships and families once we become adults,” Baker said. “That’s unfortunate, because friendships are intimate relationships with significant and lasting impact on our lives, just like romantic partnerships. And they deserve just as much care, focus and effort both on the individual and collective levels.” If you’re struggling to make or keep close friendships as an adult, you’ll want to keep reading. How To Make Close Friends As An Adult Put yourself out there. Making new friends is vulnerable. If you’re serious about creating new friendships, you have to be willing to put yourself out there both in the sense of making the first move (like, asking someone from your yoga class for coffee) and in the sense of trying things you might not usually. Several years ago, Mijal Tenenbaum was a publicist in New York. Through her work, she exchanged messages with Kaitlin, a writer in Los Angeles, and they followed each other on social media. When Tenenbaum moved to L.A., she asked Kaitlin to go for brunch, but Kaitlin ended up asking her if she wanted to go to Disneyland with a group of her friends instead. Advertisement “I probably wouldn’t say ‘yes’ to going to Disney with a whole group of people I’ve never met today,” said Tenenbaum. “I was scared and wouldn’t do it now again, but I had so much fun and it worked!” Today, the two women are best friends, which wouldn’t have happened if Tenenbaum hadn’t stretched her comfort zone — or reached out in the first place. Throw yourself into a hobby. There’s a reason advice columns always recommend that those looking to make new friends take up a hobby. When you join a book club, an improv group or a pottery class, not only do you automatically meet new people and see them consistently, but you already have a shared interest with them. Plus, as you meet daily, weekly, monthly or whatever the cadence, you build up shared experiences with them too — which is another building block of lasting friendship. Journalist Kelsey Ogletree moved from Chicago to Florence, Alabama, a while back, and was able to find community there when she met some women on the golf course who invited her to join their weekly book club. Advertisement “Your thirties are a time when a lot of people are growing their careers and families, and everyone’s schedules get really busy,” said Ogletree. “You really have to commit to spending time together in person, enjoying each others’ company and ideally bonding over an activity you both enjoy. For example, our book club meets the first Thursday evening of each month. Not everyone can make it every time, but having that standing get-together on the calendar ensures we will make it happen.” Meanwhile, communications director Hayley Knight said she’s “found amazing friends in the vegan scene through activism and vegan groups,” and marketing specialist Cassandra Wheeler met some of her closest friends through an improv program. Advertisement Use your existing routines to make new friends. Find opportunities for new friendships in your existing routines. Maybe you get along well with a colleague in the office, but you’ve never thought about grabbing a drink with them outside of work. Or perhaps you see the same dog owner on your dog walks every morning and you nod at each other in recognition, but never actually speak. If you gave them a chance, friendships like these could easily blossom. That was the case for both Sabrina Kong, a veterinarian, and Allie Maniglia, a creative brand marketer. Maniglia met one of her closest friends at work — and they’re still close even though they’ve since changed jobs. “My closest friend, Sarah, literally came into my life on a leash,” said Kong. “Our dogs, my rescue doodle Benny and her scruffy terrier-mix, Luna, instigated a playdate at our local Tracy park that quickly evolved into a weekly ritual for us humans.” For Kong and Sarah, the conversation soon turned away from paw balm and towards the intricacies of their lives. “The best advice I can give for making and keeping friends as an adult is to lean into the routines that already bring you joy and be open to the people you meet there,” said the vet. “The shared, low-pressure context of the dog park removed the awkwardness of forced socializing.” Attend alumni events and reunions. Shared experiences are such a big part of forging deep friendships — something which is often found in older friendships (as in, the ones you made in school) and, as an adult, when committing to a hobby. But what about connecting with people you already share experiences with, even if you’ve never actually met? Advertisement “I’ve been going to a student reunion each year. It’s an unofficial one that’s a mix of people I knew well at college, and others I didn’t,” said U.K.-based content specialist Sue Cade. “We’ve all become really close mates, either way. We were at the same college, knew many of the same people, drank in the same pubs, so we had things in common from the start.” You can simply Google alumni events in your area, and you’ll often be able to sign up for a mailing list, join a Facebook group or follow a LinkedIn page to stay informed. Ask your friends to bring their friends (and be willing to share your friends, too). If you already have a few friends but feel like you’d like to expand your circle, asking your friends to bring their friends to hangouts is a very organic way to meet new people you’re likely to get along with. However, when taking this approach, you’ll also have to ensure you’re comfortable with sharing your friends, too, if the tables are turned. Advertisement “I introduced a new friend into an established circle of friends — then suddenly she was everyone’s friend!” said Cade. “I was slightly taken aback when it happened, but actually, I realized it didn’t matter. It’s not good to be a possessive friend. The person I think of as my best friend has a huge social circle. I know that she’s considered a ‘best friend’ by quite a few people. It doesn’t bother me one bit. I so enjoy our closeness, frankness and the many, many laughs we have together. Why shouldn’t others?” Host people at home. Tenenbaum is a big fan of hosting people to help her forge closer friendships, something which helped her when she first moved to L.A. Advertisement “If you meet random people here and there, hosting gatherings at your place can be a good way to turn acquaintances into a community,” she explained. “It doesn’t have to be fancy — I didn’t even have furniture and I was having people over every other weekend!” Or you could invite a couple of friends you already have and ask them to bring a friend each to expand your circle. Remember, not every new friendship has to stick. Both Tenenbaum and Knight advised that, a bit like dating, you may need to put yourself out there again and again with potential new friendships before one sticks. “Not everyone will become your best friend but you have to make room for those opportunities by being vulnerable, texting first, doing things you would normally be nervous about and encouraging your new friends to bring their friends,” Tenenbaum said. Advertisement Knight added, “Be open to new experiences, choose quality over quantity (it isn’t a popularity contest) and embrace your interests. In time, you’ll find your tribe.” Be open-minded. Many factors may lead to new friendships, such as a shared interest, experience or personality trait. While you need one of these to make it work, try being open-minded about everything else (i.e. demographics) — this isn’t school, where most if not all of your friends were born the same year as you. “Age is no barrier,” said Cade. “I have friends much, much younger than me, decades younger, in fact. And, thinking about it, I have friends who are much older! What sparks a friendship are things like openness, humor, being able to be yourself.” Advertisement How To Actually Keep Your Friends As An Adult Making new friends as an adult is only the first step. Sorry to make friendships sound like work, but as busy adults trying to build meaningful relationships, they actually are. “The friendships that last are the ones where both people are willing to put in that effort, even when it’s not easy,” Harouni Lurie said. “It’s about showing up consistently in small ways. Not necessarily grand gestures, but regular connection. That’s what keeps the friendship alive through different life stages and circumstances.” Advertisement Keep reading for tips on maintaining those new connections you’ve made (this applies to established friendships as well). Show up consistently. Friendships need care and tending to survive and thrive. Once Kong had succeeded in making a new friend as an adult, “keeping the friendship strong came down to showing up for the mundane as well as the milestones,” she said. U.K.-based fashion founder Sonica Beckmann met some of her best friends — her “mum village” — on the school run. Advertisement “Raising children in this country can be incredibly tough, especially with the lack of childcare options, so we have come together to really support one another,” said Beckmann. “It goes far beyond helping with the children; we lift each other up emotionally too. There are fun nights out, a book club, exercising together and plenty of laughter along the way.” Beckmann shared her best advice for keeping meaningful friendships: “Be genuinely curious about people and show up for them, even in small ways,” she said. “The best friendships grow from consistency and honesty, not perfection.” Don’t underestimate the mini check-in. You don’t need to put pressure on yourself to schedule a night out or an hour-long phone call when you’re super busy. While it’s not all it takes to maintain a connection, mini check-ins — such as via social media — can be an effective way to give your friendships a little attention when that’s all you can manage. Advertisement Wheeler has found that a meme exchange, a “like” on a Story or a short catch-up text can keep a friendship going until the two can make plans together. And communications manager Shawna Ambrose has actually replaced social media with pithy text exchanges with the two best friends she made as an adult. “One thing I notice about my friends is we aren’t really on social media that much anymore and it feels better to send a real friend the kinds of things I used to post for people I didn’t know or casual connections: a photo of a beautiful vista or an impressive dinner,” Ambrose said. Listen! Active listening is one of the most effective ways to build trust with someone. “If someone you’ve recently met starts to open up to you, give them plenty of time to talk about themselves and their situation, don’t chip in with your own experiences until later in the conversation,” Cade advised. Advertisement To maintain those connections, Baker suggested you “check in often and offer curiosity about your friend’s life; share openly about your own life happenings as well.” Pick up the phone. This advice might not be right for everyone (looking at you, phone-phobic Zoomers), but a phone call can be a really powerful way to keep a friendship connection alive — in particular if your friends don’t live locally. Advertisement Dan Nainan, a comedian, often meets people after a good show, when they come and introduce themselves and ask him to hang out. While he explained that in-person hangs are necessary for keeping friendships going, he added, “It’s about staying in touch, and it’s very important to call and not just text and email.” Help a friend out. Acts of service are a lovely way to show a friend you care about them. Caleb John, the director of a plumbing company in Australia, became close friends with a client who asked him lots of questions about the job he was doing for him. The conversation soon turned to other subjects, such as a project car the client owned. Later, the two men looked at the car together, and their friendship has involved meeting up with their respective families and “helping each other out with domestic jobs.” Advertisement Show your friends gratitude. Friendships bring great joy and comfort to our lives — that’s why we seek them out. It’s so important to acknowledge that from time to time. “Celebrate your friends, support them through the hard days and tell them when they’ve made your life better,” said Beckmann. “Friendships will change as life does, but that’s part of the journey. At the heart of it all, it comes down to kindness, effort and showing up. Advertisement Respect your friends’ differences. Every individual is unique and when we rub up against our differences, it can cause friction. That’s why it’s so important to show respect to your friends for the ways they’re different from you; this will help you to grow as a person and solidify the friendship. Writer Sammi Caramela has lost friendships because she needs a lot of time alone to recharge and isn’t always available to her friends in the ways they might want. This has taught her the value of respecting differences in meaningful relationships. YourSupportMakes The Story Your SupportFuelsOur Mission Your SupportFuelsOur Mission Join Those Who Make It Possible HuffPost stands apart because we report for the people, not the powerful. Our journalism is fearless, inclusive, and unfiltered. Join the membership program and help strengthen news that puts people first. We remain committed to providing you with the unflinching, fact-based journalism everyone deserves. Thank you again for your support along the way. We’re truly grateful for readers like you! Your initial support helped get us here and bolstered our newsroom, which kept us strong during uncertain times. Now as we continue, we need your help more than ever. We hope you will join us once again. We remain committed to providing you with the unflinching, fact-based journalism everyone deserves. Thank you again for your support along the way. We’re truly grateful for readers like you! Your initial support helped get us here and bolstered our newsroom, which kept us strong during uncertain times. Now as we continue, we need your help more than ever. We hope you will join us once again. Support HuffPost Already a member? Log in to hide these messages. “We all have different needs in relationships and friendships,” she said. “It’s all about finding those who align with you and nurturing connections that nurture you in return. I still have childhood friends who are my sisters to this day, and that’s because we’ve communicated through any incompatibilities and respect each other’s differences.”
