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Ian Kerner is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and contributor on the topic of relationships for CNN. His most recent book is a guide for couples, “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.” We know that snoring can be the enemy of sleep — but must it also be the enemy of sex? I’ve heard repeatedly from couples that nasal strips, CPAP machines and earplugs are decidedly unsexy. Shoving, tapping, poking and generally wanting to clobber the person snoring beside you doesn’t exactly put anyone in the mood for love either. Some couples are even going through “sleep divorces” — sleeping in separate beds or rooms — to cope. But snoring doesn’t have to be the end of sex. In fact, it can be a whole new beginning: Whether it’s decoupling sex from bedtime and engaging in positive communication about the issue or taking sex out of the bedroom, many opportunities exist to ramp up sexual variety and creativity and not let snoring win. In the spirit of a sexual call to action, I asked some of my colleagues for ideas on how couples can “snore-proof” their relationships. Acknowledge the problem There’s no doubt that sleep problems can interfere with sex, said Justin Lehmiller, senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute. He points to a large body of evidence, including a 2023 review of previously published research, that found that people with sleep disorders, especially sleep apnea, are more likely to experience sexual dysfunction. “When you’re not getting enough oxygen or restorative sleep, fatigue sets in, testosterone levels can drop, and your mood and libido often follow,” said Rachel Needle, codirector of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes in West Palm Beach, Florida. “Sleep is the body’s natural repair system — for the brain, hormones and even arousal response. Without quality sleep, sexual energy, desire and performance often decline.” Addressing sleep apnea and other causes of snoring can benefit both partners. “Research shows that treating sleep disorders not only helps the affected person get better sleep,” Lehmiller said, “but it also improves the sleep of their partner.” Having the (snoring) talk The first step is acknowledging the issue, even if it makes you uncomfortable. “If a partner is losing sleep, that’s a problem for both people to focus on solving,” said Rebecca Sokoll, a sex therapist in New York City. Sokoll recommends easing into the conversation — during the day and outside the bedroom — by asking your partner how they slept. If you’re the snorer, acknowledge that you might be keeping them up; if they’re the offender, gently let them know it’s been difficult for you to sleep. Because snoring is often a symptom of sleep apnea, which has its own risks, you might also frame the discussion as concern about your partner’s health. There are plenty of different approaches to quelling snoring, including nasal strips, side sleeping, weight loss and, for those with sleep apnea, a CPAP machine prescribed by a doctor. At the same time, some of those treatments can make bedtime feel less than sexy — and a white noise machine can only mask so much. “If your partner snores, talk about it gently and ask for consent to roll them onto their side when needed. Most people snore more when on their backs,” said Eva Dillon, a sex therapist in New York City. What about sleeping separately? When couples choose to sleep separately due to an issue such as snoring, the arrangement sometimes gets referred to in the media as a “sleep divorce” (which sounds unnecessarily negative). Sleeping apart can be a perfectly reasonable choice for couples in otherwise content relationships, so why not think of it as a “sleep-cation”? Sokoll agreed. “It’s important to let go of the belief that sleeping together is a requisite of a healthy relationship,” she said. “Co-sleeping with your lover is overrated for many people, and snoring is a fine reason to sleep separately, if you’ve got the space.” At the same time, removing the physical proximity that comes with sharing a bed can also lead to emotional distance. “Couples often underestimate how much those quiet nighttime rituals — spooning, cuddling, even just falling asleep next to each other — contribute to a sense of safety, connection and closeness,” Needle said. Here’s how to navigate a snoring partner while keeping your sex life intact. Be intentional about affection. “When snoring has disrupted nightly cuddles, find other times for touch — morning hugs, daytime kisses, holding hands on the couch,” Needle said. “Small, frequent touch keeps the emotional glue intact.” Create new bedtime rituals. “Carve time before bed to come together not only to exchange daily news but also indulge in five to 15 minutes of unhurried touch, which may or may not lead to sex, then part ways to sleep well. Spooning doesn’t disappear, it just moves earlier in the evening,” Los Angeles-based psychologist Sara Nasserzadeh said. Sokoll suggests establishing a “good night” routine that includes a kiss, an embrace and some sweet words. “If it works, you can create a routine of reading while your snoring partner falls asleep and then go to your sleeping space,” she said. “There is not one way to do this, so be creative about experimenting until you find an arrangement that allows for both connection and sleep.” Take sex beyond the bedroom. Intimacy doesn’t have to happen at night or in the bedroom. Try morning sex after the kids leave for school, a playful afternoon encounter or making time for touch and affection before a night out, suggested New York-based sex therapist Juliane Maxwald. “Great sex and emotional closeness grow from a culture of appreciation and ongoing acts of affection, not from where or when you sleep,” she said. Without the closeness of sharing a bed, it may seem like spontaneous sex is off the table. But by fostering your emotional and physical connection through cuddling, touching, flirting — and yes, sometimes planning for intimacy — you can help ensure that snoring won’t interrupt your sex life. “The goal isn’t distance,” Nasserzadeh said. “It is better sleep so you can be less resentful and have more energy for your relationship the next day.”
