By Terry Gragera

Copyright hellomagazine

Kicking, screaming, dramatically collapsing onto the floor – what parent or caregiver hasn’t experienced or witnessed a toddler tantrum first-hand? There’s no shortage of advice on how to handle them, often with a focus on quashing or avoiding these meltdowns. But Milena Gonzalez, an author and psychologist specialising in child and adolescent psychotherapy, addresses this topic from a different perspective and offers a strategy – called the “3 Ps” – on how to handle tantrums in children up to 18 months old.

A tantrum can be considered a literal cry for help and, depending on the type of child, it may require a different response than you think. “A common mistake is that we interpret a tantrum as a personal challenge, a lack of respect, or a problem to be nipped in the bud,” says Gonzalez.

“Instead, we should see it as an emotional need expressed through a meltdown because the child doesn’t have any other way to communicate yet. When we change the way we look at a tantrum, we completely change the way we act toward our child.”

Tantrums are common, but some adults still struggle with how to deal with these meltdowns. Why?

“Often what’s wrong isn’t the child’s behaviour, but our expectations as adults. We want kids to behave like someone with a mature brain, who can self-regulate and understand reasoning, when in fact they’re still learning. There are no ‘bad’ children, there are only children who need to be understood. When a child has a tantrum, they don’t need to be punished or silenced. They need help expressing what they feel and, above all, an adult whose presence tells them, ‘I’m here for you, even when you’re acting out.'”

Why do young children have tantrums?

“Tantrums play a fundamental role in a child’s emotional development, which is why I insist that not only are tantrums normal and expected, but they’re also necessary. When a child has a tantrum, they’re not trying to make our lives miserable; they’re just trying to cope with something that’s overwhelming them: a frustration, an unmet need, a ‘no’ they don’t understand…

“Don’t think of a tantrum as a problem. Think of it as an opportunity for the child to express their emotions and for the adult to support them as a teacher, not a judge. It’s also a way to better understand their personality… some kids may naturally be more intense in expressing their emotions, or more sensitive… and that’s going to influence how they experience their feelings and how they express them.

“When children have tantrums, they aren’t trying to manipulate or control us. They’re trying to communicate how they feel and ask for help. With the right kind of support, they’ll gradually develop the skills that will allow them to self-regulate; skills like self-control, empathy and managing their emotions. But to get to that point, they’re going to need grownups who don’t interpret them as ‘naughty’ children, but as children who are learning.”

Rather than calling children ‘difficult’, would it be more accurate to say there are parents who don’t know how to respond properly?

“When a child keeps having tantrums, we rush to label them as difficult, unbearable, spoilt… but that label says more about our own level of discomfort than about the child themselves. I invite parents to change their perspective – there are no ‘bad’ children. There are only children who need to be understood based on their temperament, their developmental stage and their emotional needs.

“It’s not about pointing fingers. The child isn’t the problem, and the parent isn’t doing everything wrong, either. We’re all learning. The child is learning to manage their overwhelming emotions, and the parent is learning how to support their child without losing their cool. It’s not about saying, ‘It’s the parents’ fault.’ It’s about understanding that when the adult connects with a child from a place of comprehension – not reaction – the bond between them transforms. The important thing isn’t to always have the perfect answer, it’s being available, learning together and understanding that a tantrum is an opportunity for bonding, not a battle to be won.”

Why is it important to know each child’s individual temperament?

“It’s crucial because it allows us to stop parenting from expectation and start parenting from the reality of the child in front of us. Not all children react the same way, nor do they have the same needs. Some children are more intense, more sensitive, more persistent, more active… and each personality trait influences how they experience the world, how they relate to us and how they need to be supported.

“When we don’t understand temperament, we run the risk of thinking the child is exaggerating, manipulating or disobeying when they’re really just expressing themselves from their natural way of being. Understanding that completely changes the relationship we have with them. We stop seeing it as a personal challenge and start seeing it as an invitation to better connect.

“There isn’t just one right way to parent, because there isn’t just one type of child. And knowing their temperament isn’t labelling them; it’s having a map that helps us be the adult that child needs – not more rigid, not more permissive but more conscious. And ultimately, this sends a powerful message to the child: ‘There’s nothing wrong with you. You feel your emotions differently, and we’re finding the right way for you to express them.’

“This is called goodness of fit – the compatibility of the child’s temperament, your parenting style, and the demands and expectations of their environment. Goodness of fit occurs when the caregiver or adult understands what the child is like and adapts their way of supporting the child. That helps facilitate the conditions that help support their social and emotional development.”

Why do some children have more difficulty calming down during tantrums?

“It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them or that they’re just trying to take advantage of us. It may just be that the way they feel things and react is naturally more intense. In my book, I talk about temperament traits, and one is the intensity of emotional response. Children who score high on this trait experience every emotion more intensely. Just like they jump and shout with joy when they receive a gift, when it comes to a tantrum, they don’t cry, they howl. Every reaction is more intense than you’d expect. In the midst of their chaos, they aren’t trying to manipulate you; they’re simply trying to self-regulate.

“If we add in their developing brain – especially the areas that regulate impulsivity, emotional control and viewpoint – it’s completely normal for them to struggle to calm themselves. A child’s self-control doesn’t just appear on command, it has to be learned. That learning takes time and, above all, requires adults who don’t add more fuel to the fire. When a child won’t calm down, they don’t need more pressure or more punishment. They need an adult who understands them and will help them navigate that storm from a place of calm, not command.”

How should parents adjust their response based on the child’s personality?

“The response to a tantrum can’t be the same for all children, because not all children feel, react to or need the same things. Understanding temperament is key here. Some children need space to calm down, others need physical contact; some react explosively, others shut down. The key is to observe, understand and adjust to what the child needs. That requires flexibility and empathy.

A child with higher emotional intensity doesn’t need you to be harder on them; they need you to be more calming and understanding. With a sensitive child, ignoring them so they’ll ‘get over it’ won’t work; they need to be validated. And every child, regardless of their personality, needs to know that their emotions aren’t dangerous or bad, and that they have someone by their side to help them understand them.

“Adjusting our response – again, goodness of fit – isn’t giving in; it’s guiding them with connection. It’s understanding that the most effective discipline isn’t one that’s about rewards and punishments, it’s one that stems from respect for what that child needs to grow.”

Should we worry if our child doesn’t have tantrums?

“Not necessarily. [Some children] just express their emotional discomfort a little less intensely, or less often, or maybe their tantrums don’t last very long. They might get frustrated and then simply adapt and move on. That said, it’s important to observe carefully. Sometimes, with children who never seem to have tantrums, they do feel frustration or rage but have learned to suppress it as a way to disengage or as a form of people pleasing to avoid being reprimanded or punished. In those cases, the adult needs to ask themselves if the child has a safe space to express what they feel without fear.

“Consider whether the child has emotional permission to be themselves, to express their feelings and know that they will be supported and not judged. A calm child might be well-regulated – or they might suppressing their emotions. But what’s always true is that it’s most important to get to know your child without negatively labelling them, and learn to support them from a place of connection.”

About the expert:

Milena Gonzalez is a psychologist specialising in child and adolescent psychotherapy, trauma, attachment and family systems. She’s the author of the Spanish-language book, There Are No Bad Children (No hay niños difíciles).