Copyright The Boston Globe
Now that I’m single, I’m realizing how uncomfortable I am with my own company. I miss being chosen, but I also want to choose myself this time. How do you rebuild a sense of worth and connection when you’re not in a relationship, and when it feels like everyone around you has already found their person? TRYING TO LOVE MYSELF FIRST A. Please be kind to yourself. You’re still going through a big breakup. It can take awhile to figure out a new normal after a long relationship. The moment you decide it is a new normal, life changes again. That’s one positive thing I can say about this phase of life: It’s going to change. If it’s uncomfortable and hopeless for a bit — if love seems out of reach — it’ll shift, I promise. Please don’t pressure yourself to be 100 percent cool with a bunch of alone time. It takes practice! Try making a lot of plans and staying busy — first with friends/loved ones, then by doing something new, like volunteer work. Loving your own company can mean engaging with strangers and then coming home and thinking, “That was interesting. Did I like doing it? How did it make me feel?” If you can manage a few hours of alone time each week, you’re winning. Then it gets easier. Then love gets easier. Please know: Not everybody has found their person. Or maybe they’ve found a person for now, but that’ll change, too. Regardless, find some single friends. They’re out there, everywhere. Keep your partnered friends and treat them just as well, but do reach out to people who understand where you are. MEREDITH READERS RESPOND: So many people are shambling around with no sense of self and it’s only getting worse. This honestly baffles me: How can you do anything without first figuring out who you are and your place in the world? GRONK8787 ^ COVID and social media are part of the problem. MMOLIBERTY My story is similar but different than yours. I married my college boyfriend and was divorced after seven years at 24. I didn’t know who I was as a single person either. But I did have a vision for the life before me, so I got busy: finding my new (solo) home, working on my career, going on epic travel adventures (both solo and with new groups). My advice is to start living for you. Try new things that bring you joy, whether it be joining events, volunteering, throwing dinner parties, dyeing your hair purple, taking a two-week holiday in Spain, or dating randos just for kicks. Trust me, this focus on “someone choosing you” will feel like a shadow of your former self when you start choosing you. After that, love will fall into a healthier place. Good luck. PENSEUSE Very similar life experience here in terms of being your age, not having a sense of self/wanting to be all things for the other person in a long-term relationship that ended. Unfortunately, I went on from there and had a couple of similar/dysfunctional romantic relationships because I didn’t seek support … but then I did. It was the best investment I ever made in myself. It needs to be the right therapist for you, and it doesn’t happen overnight, but the value and benefits you’ll receive are incredible EACB You can now do whatever you want, without consultation. Sleep late. Eat breakfast for dinner. Spend your money without justification or explanation. Explore new things and fill your time with those that turn you on. Don’t get paralyzed with cabin fever this winter. Keep active, even if it’s a new book, recipe, or restaurant every week. Engage with the real world and don’t order everything online. Go to the grocery and bookstore. Feed a friend or neighbor. Really celebrate the holidays. Gifts. Tree (if applicable). Decorations. Cook. Entertain. The ballet. Dress up. Or not. A nap is self-love of the first order. PRONE2XS
