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Say "should" enough and you’ll see that it’s a big guilt trap. We say the word “should” so often we don’t even realize its effect on our brain and our lives. It seems like a harmless enough word, but say it enough and you’ll see that it’s a big guilt trap. I should be more successful. I should go to the gym more. I should eat better. I should feel more grateful. Every should you think and utter adds one more layer of self-criticism and guilt that weighs you down. By the end of the day you might be carrying a thousand shoulds on your shoulder. When it comes to our mental health, should has all the best intentions, but its impact can be harmful. Every should insinuates that you’re failing in that area, that you’re not measuring up in some way. It might seem innocuous, but this one small word can inflict more mental health damage than people realize. As you go about your day, muttering shoulds here and there insidiously chips away at your motivation and self-worth. The Psychology Behind “Should” If you’re familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), you’ve probably heard the term, “cognitive distortion:” an irrational thought pattern that reinforces negative beliefs about yourself. Here are a few examples of some of the most prevalent cognitive distortions: Black and white thinking (or all or nothing thinking): “If i don’t get this promotion, I’m a total failure.” Catastrophizing: “He didn’t call to check in so he must be dead.” Overgeneralization: “I didn’t get the promotion, therefore I’ll never be successful in this company.” Mind reading: “They yawned while I was talking so they must think I’m boring.” And those are but a few. The father of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), Aaron Beck, also labeled “should statements” as a cognitive distortion, observing that they led people to determine their worth against unrealistic or external standards. MORE FOR YOU Turns out, Beck’s suspicion was correct. Neuroscience has now shown that our inner critic creates physiological stress. A 2010 study found that self-critical thoughts activate the same brain regions involved in pain and threat detection. In other words, when you tell yourself “I should be better,” your brain reacts as if it’s under attack. Another issue with telling yourself how you should be is that it breeds perfectionism, which happens to be one of the most common psychological traps for high-achieving women. We often think that perfectionism is about healthy striving, but according to Dr. Brené Brown’s research, it’s more about fear of judgment; every “should” you say to yourself keeps that fear alive. How “Should” Keeps You Stuck We will feel stuck when we feel backed into a corner, when we’re forced to do something against our will. When you tell yourself you should be doing something that you’re not, you’re judging yourself based on When you tell yourself what you “should” be doing, you’re removing the freedom that comes with choice. These shoulds turn into obligations, which are mentally exhausting. While the intent behind the should is motivation, the end result is procrastination and self-reproach. Psychologist Albert Ellis, who developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), called this “shoulding all over yourself.” Interestingly, his research showed that people who overuse “should” statements report higher levels of anxiety, guilt, and depression because they’ve internalized rigid, external rules that don’t leave space for self-compassion and autonomy. When you remove someone’s sense of autonomy, it can make their brain feel attacked. You don’t even have to actually stifle their autonomy in reality, it can just be the sense that the autonomy is restricted. Keep in mind, when it comes to internalizing rigid, external rules, it’s not the rules themselves that are necessarily bad, it’s that feeling that you “should” be doing something springs from an external expectation you’ve imposed on yourself. Moreover, this may not even be a real expectation in the external world, but one that you’ve projected onto it. When you start linking your self-worth to “should,” you start living life by a rulebook written out of insecurities authored by social expectations, parental scripts, and invisible comparisons. Shift Your Language And You Shift Your Mindset You can break the “should” mold by switching that word out for more positive, healthy words rooted in choice and your genuine, honest desire. When you swap out should for words that express agency and desire, you shift your mindset. In the world of motivational psychology, there is a framework called self-determination theory, which proves that people thrive when they act from choice (intrinsic motivation), not pressure (extrinsic motivation). When you have a “should” mentality, you remove choice and agency from the picture and you’re acting out of obligation. This will drain you and lead to burnout. You need to shift into an autonomy mindset, which fuels motivation. The more agency we feel, the more fulfilled, happier, and resilient we will be. Neuroscience supports this as well. A 2013 study showed that the brain relaxes into the task we are performing if we are doing it from a place of autonomy (“I choose to”) vs obligation (“I should”). Here are a few powerful replacements to illustrate how to shift your should mindset into an autonomous one: “I could go exercise” instead of “I should exercise.” “I want to spend more time with my family” instead of “I should spend more time with my family.” “I’d feel better if I went to bed earlier” instead of “I should go to bed earlier.” “I’m choosing to say no” instead of “I should say no.” It’s a subtle shift that packs a big punch. Your mind is listening to everything you think. Shifting your language from obligation to desire will increase your motivation and give you a sense of control over your life. Reclaiming Your Mind As a final thought, it helps to examine what’s generating the shoulds in your mind. You might find that they’re carryovers from childhood, internalized societal expectations, or even ones you generated yourself out of social comparison. When you start living according to your own choices and you drop the “shoulds,” you start living according to your own values. The more you can shift into an autonomy mindset, the more fulfilled you’ll feel. The trick is to reframe those should statements. For instance, if you catch yourself thinking, “I should be more patient,” try reframing it as, “What would help me feel calmer right now?” In that single shift, you’re turning self-criticism into self-compassion; that’s where real growth begins. [studies cited: Having a word with yourself: neural correlates of self-criticism and self-reassurance (2010); Olivia Longe An fMRI-Based Neurologic Signature of Physical Pain (2013), Tor D. Wager, Ph.D] Editorial StandardsReprints & Permissions
