Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a newly minted fifth grader at a charter school (while I don’t love charter schools, I am in a state consistently ranked nearly last in education, and his class size in public school would be over 35 with one teacher versus 25 with two teachers). He started in another school for kindergarten and first grade that had absolutely INSANE homework every day, so we switched schools and everything has been fine at the new school so far.
While this year started off fine, the homework load has taken a turn. We are getting multiple math sheets, social studies, and English Language Arts (ELA) pages every day. According to other parents and our child, when people have complained about the amount, the teacher has said things like,”Parents are complaining we’re not giving enough homework,” and, “Sports are not an excuse.” My fifth grader came home yesterday with two math worksheets (front and back) with a total of over 60 multiplication problems, including word problems, and two pages of social studies, as well as a reading log requesting us to have them read for 30 minutes.
Normally, I get off my remote job, have my son do homework, and start dinner when my husband gets home from work. Lately, I am leaving work early to get a jumpstart on homework, and it’s still not done in time. My child loves helping me cook dinner, but we haven’t even made dinner in a week because of the amount of work, and we’ve been eating frozen food while crying over math worksheets. Not to mention skipping chores and other activities. I feel like we’re being asked to keep them up later/wake up earlier to get this done. It’s unsustainable, and I’m over it.
Any advice on how to push back without coming off as “that parent?” I should probably have more problems with confrontation than I currently do, but I want to, so I need someone to talk me down. Considering the way this teacher is talking (and I have confirmed with other parents that their kids are saying the same things my child is about her attitude towards homework completion), I’m about to go full Karen on this teacher, and I really don’t want to sour the relationship this soon in the school year. I promise I’m a reasonable person when faced with a reasonable amount of homework, but spending over two hours a night in fifth grade seems insane to me. Am I crazy, or is the teacher?
—This Isn’t College
Dear This Isn’t College,
The value of homework has been debated by teachers, parents, and scholars for many years, with passionate takes on both sides. I’m inclined to agree with you that your son and his classmates are getting an excessive amount of homework. I would suggest connecting with other parents from your class and mobilizing together to raise your concerns. Start with the teacher and let her know that your kids are struggling with their nightly workload; I wouldn’t make a point to focus on how it impacts extracurricular activities—most teachers would quickly argue that schoolwork is the priority that comes first—but instead talk about losing out on time for dinner and your children being forced to go bed late and/or wake up earlier to complete assignments. If the teacher doesn’t recognize that there is an issue (and I suspect that she won’t), you guys should escalate your concerns to school leadership. If you aren’t able to inspire any change that way, you may have to accept that this volume of homework is the school’s policy. If that’s the case, you’ll need to consider if this school is the right fit for your family. Again, there’s power in numbers, so don’t try to fight this fight on your own. A significant, organized and vocal group of parents may be able to influence some change.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My ex-wife, “Felicity,” and I have a 5-year-old daughter, “Ariel.” I am, for all intents and purposes, a single dad. Felicity got into drugs when Ariel was a little over a year old. I ended our marriage when she refused to get into rehab after a neighbor found her strung out on the family room floor, and Ariel crying in her crib (I asked her to go check on them after I had tried to call for hours and received no answer). The court awarded me sole custody. Sadly, Felicity has made virtually no effort to clean herself up or to be in our daughter’s life. Visits are promised, and she never shows up. The one time she did within the last year, she was sky high, and I had to send her away under threat of calling the police. Ariel just started kindergarten and is upset that all the other kids have a mom, except her. Do you have any advice on how to explain her mother’s absence to my daughter?
—AWOL Mom
Dear AWOL Mom,
Explain to your daughter that families and households come in many shapes and sizes and that what matters most is the love that you share between you. Acknowledge that many of her classmates live with their mothers, but that her mother isn’t able to be there with you guys because she’s not well.
You don’t need to specify drug addiction at this age; rather, tell Ariel that her mother has an illness that prevents her from being active in her life. Say that this sort of illness is hard to treat because people don’t always believe that they have it, and that’s what her mother is dealing with. If prayer is something you do in your household, take time to pray together that your ex is able to get the help she needs.
Encourage your daughter to express her feelings, and validate them. Read her books about kids and their dads, like Because I’m Your Dad and about the diversity of families, such as A Family Is a Family Is a Family . Expose her to content featuring characters who have lost a parent and families that deviate from the so-called “norm:” Finding Nemo, Lilo and Stitch, and Kung-Fu Panda are films she may like, along with the 90s sitcom Full House that centered around an extended family anchored by a single dad. Speaking of, who are the other adults in your child’s life who can provide additional support? Time with family friends and relatives, particularly female ones, can help both you and your daughter to feel grounded and connected. Be as affectionate as you can with your daughter, and constantly remind her that she is surrounded with love as long as you’re around.
Dear Care and Feeding,
This is dumb, but my mother recently told my 5-year-old daughter, “Erin” that if she swallows watermelon seeds, a watermelon will grow in her tummy. Watermelon has been one of her favorites since she was old enough to eat solid food, and now she’s scared to eat it. I told her Nanna just made it up to keep her from swallowing the seeds, but she doesn’t believe me. My mother thinks it’s funny and won’t correct the record. She pulled the same trick on me when I was about that age, and it fucking wasn’t. How can I convince Erin that nothing bad will happen to her if she goes back to eating watermelon?
—Melon Melancholy
Dear Melon Melancholy,
Cut up a delicious snack of watermelon for you and Erin. Take out 10 seeds and let Erin watch you swallow them. Explain that if her grandmother’s words were true, you’d be growing a watermelon in her tummy. Take the time to learn how watermelons are grown and explain it to your daughter. Ask her if she’s ever swallowed a watermelon seed in the past and if so, why she hasn’t sprouted a melon yet. Give this time to pass, she’ll soon see how silly this is–and may give her grandmother’s words the side eye in the future.
—Jamilah
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My 15-year-old daughter is best friends with “Emily,” whose family life is precarious at best. Emily is at our house so much that we basically have two daughters. Emily knew she was bi early on. Within the past year or so, my daughter came out as lesbian. Now they’re a couple, which I fully support. However, they’re young, and their plans to be romantically involved forever aren’t realistic. If, and presumably when, they break up, how do we navigate our lives as a family? Is it possible for them to go back to being pseudo-sisters?