Copyright The Boston Globe
Here’s my dilemma: I grew up in an Asian culture where showing affection openly wasn’t encouraged. As a result, I’m very reserved and rarely express my love directly, even though I feel it deeply. For example, I’ll smile at his jokes when he can’t see me, or I’ll praise him in front of others but struggle to say the words to him. Every evening he tells me, “I love you,” and waits for me to respond. I do say it back, but often too quickly or awkwardly — in a way that leaves him unsatisfied. He sometimes admits he wonders if I truly love him, because I don’t say or show it enough. I want to change this. I want to feel less intimidated and vulnerable about showing affection and become more naturally loving toward him. How do I overcome my unexpressive habits so I can show my husband the love I genuinely feel? EARLY 40s A. My take is that you shouldn’t have to change. Not much, at least. I say this as someone who is a bad hugger. Other things I’m bad at: Remembering birthdays. Getting people gifts on big holidays. Writing cards (I do not include cards with gifts). Taking people to the airport. Acknowledging my loved ones’ emails, some of which are important. Scrolling up when I receive a text message to make sure I’m getting all of the information. Cooking for people I care about. Telling people I find attractive that they look nice. Things I am good at: Making actual phone calls to check in. Listening to someone talk about the same problems over and over again. Showing up for a loved one’s loved ones. (I will watch their kids in plays, or help their mom in the hospital.) Consuming media to have a shared language. (“Breaking Bad” was good, but I wouldn’t have binged it without loving someone who cared about it.) Picking up baked goods and bringing treats to people’s houses. Showing up with small gifts on random days, simply because I saw something the person would like. Buying toilet paper. I never want anyone to run out. Living with someone, I stay on top of that — out of love. That’s not a bad list, right? Think about how you enjoy showing love. You’re not loquacious when it comes to sharing feelings, but perhaps you’re good at asking questions and paying attention. The fact that you praise your husband around others — that’s love! Just do more of what you already like doing, and tell your husband, “When I do X, Y, and Z, it’s my way of saying I adore you.” Another idea: You wrote this letter, and it was a great summary how much you care about your husband. Some people are better at sharing their love in writing (hence the name of this column). You can communicate with him that way, too. MEREDITH READERS RESPOND: Why did he marry you? Your behavior hasn’t changed since that time. How did he know to ask you to marry him? See if you can answer those questions. Also show him this letter and just have a conversation with him. RLSD I agree with Mere — I don’t think you should change. You are you and he married you because of it. Be yourself. Let him be himself. Focus on your strengths. PENSEUSE I can’t believe I’m suggesting this, but the “Love Languages” book might help him see how you show your love in other ways. PRONE2XS Those promoting “Love Languages” for the LW are misunderstanding how the book works. In the context of this particular letter it is the husband who would benefit from reading it, not the LW. BIGSIGH
