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Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers.Submit your own questions to Prudie here. Dear Prudence, A close friend, “Sam,” and his girlfriend, “Emily,” are doing something truly terrible. She has a lot of student debt to pay off, so they have come up with a plan. She will date and marry someone rich, and he will pay off her student loans, and then she will break up with him to be with Sam after a few years. All the while they will be cheating on Mr. Rich together. Sam told me that he is not looking for advice. But he still wants to talk to me about this plan and how it is affecting him a lot. I do not want to talk about this. I think it is despicable to trick someone into marrying you and cheat on them. I don’t think the plan will work, and if it does work, I am not sure I want to continue being friends with this person. But he is still my friend, and I feel I should listen to his woes and try to support him because clearly something is wrong with his judgment right now. Prudie, I just don’t want to talk about this, and I feel like soon I will explode and share my opinion on this in a nasty way. What should I do? I don’t want to throw away a close friendship of many, many years, but I do not want to know the details of this arrangement or meet the poor soul they are tricking. She is currently dating multiple people, and they said they have two prospects who are very interested in marriage! —This Is Wrong, Right? Dear Wrong, Ditch Sam. He’s a bad person now. I’m very sorry. You can try to have a talk with him where you do “explode and share [your] opinion on this in a nasty way.” That’s fine. He might even listen. If he doesn’t, he knows why you are not friends anymore. These people are disgusting. —Nicole Cliffe From:My Friend and His Girlfriend Plan to Have Her Marry a Rich Guy to Pay Off Her Loans. (Nov. 21, 2019). Dear Prudence, I am a man in his 50s, married to my second wife for 16 years. Our sex life has clearly diminished over the course of the years—with quick, routine sex before sleep at best every two to three months or so. As a result I have focused my sexual energy (which I definitely still have) toward erotic fantasies about my wife. I envision her in all sort of wild, tabooless sex with strangers and friends alike. As I possess some pretty decent Photoshop skills, I have started to visualize these fantasies in very convincing fake pictures—of a high quality, almost arty level (at least, so I like to flatter myself thinking). I have kept these pictures strictly for myself, occasionally masturbating to them, although I find the real thrill in making up and realizing the erotic scenes. It’s simply a nonharmful way to channel my sexual energy. Regrettably, my wife has run into the pictures, and she is disgusted by them, although I have ensured her they are only for myself and I have no desire whatsoever to see any of these fantasies actually come true. Am I really doing such a horrendous thing? I am not the cheating kind, I would never leave my wife, and the only thing I afford myself—just to keep my libido satisfied—is creating these erotic visuals. Should I give up my secret “hobby”? —I’m Not a Creep Dear Creep, There are two very different questions here, although you are only asking one: Should you give up your secret “hobby”? Absolutely. They may be Photoshopped, but they are recognizable images of your wife, and she is deeply, deeply opposed to them. Delete them, empty your trash, apologize. I know that you have said you will never leave your wife, but you need to be asking yourself about the way forward. Sexual incompatibility is a big deal, and it can really eat away at intimacy if you let it. Are you able to cope with your conflicting libidos without these images? Can you share your fantasies with her? Would she be OK if you masturbated next to her? This discovery has created a logical moment in your marriage for you to put everything on the table. She may also be discontented with your sex life, and I have hopes that eventually you may be able to come a little closer together (pun very much not intended). Keep in mind that she is still recovering from what she found, which must have been an extreme shock. She likely is creeped out and needs a little time. Maybe it might be wise to say, “I’ve deleted all the pictures. You are welcome to look. Can we have a talk about our sex lives in a month? I’m so, so sorry to have upset you in this way, and I recognize that I should not have done what I did.” You’re in the doghouse now, but, if or when things are back to normal, don’t let them go back into stasis. —N. C. From: My Wife Found the Erotic Images I Photoshopped Her Into. (Nov. 28, 2019). Dear Prudence, I’m 31, and I’ve been with my husband for eight years. I always had the occasional zit, but for some reason, over the past three years, my skin has gotten a bit worse. Every few weeks I get a horrific pimple, and I have a few spots of acne on my neck. I still think I have overall good skin, and my best friends tell me they haven’t noticed a change at all. I’ve seen multiple dermatologists, always wash my face thoroughly, use prescription acne medication twice a day, and get the occasional facial. I view the acne as a minor annoyance that I’ve done the best I can with, and I’m really not too bothered. The issue is that my husband is obsessed with my skin problems. Every time I get a pimple, he insists on popping it for me, even though I find it painful and unnecessary. He comments on my skin constantly, always saying it is “for my own good.” He acts like the fact that I am not overly bothered by my acne indicates that I don’t care for myself properly, that I am unclean, and that I don’t care if I later have acne scars. I find myself dreading when he looks at my face because it leads to his comments on how he needs to pop my pimples for my own good. If I resist and beg—often I SCREAM—that I don’t want him to pop my pimple, he gets angry and acts like I’m just “not caring for myself.” He is otherwise a great husband! What do I do to make him back off and not touch or comment on my skin? —For My Own Good? Dear Good, This is way past the point where you could find a fun, low-impact compromise like those little clear overnight acne patches. You say you often have to “resist and beg” your husband not to forcibly press your skin, sometimes to the point of screaming, and you wrote scream in all caps—and his response, when you beg and plead and scream and turn away from him, is to get angry. That’s a pretty significant red flag. I also don’t want to get too lost in the weeds of best dermatological practices here, because even if popping whiteheads were the absolute best thing you could do for your skin, it would still be horrible that your husband forced you to let him do it. But it’s not “for your own good,” and you’re not harming yourself or setting yourself up for future scarring. There’s nothing sanitary or helpful about grabbing someone and squeezing their zits; his attempt to justify his terrifying, creepy behavior by claiming it’s “good for you” is total bullshit. That’s why I don’t recommend, say, that you bring him along to the dermatologist with you, or try to explain the theoretical underpinnings of your skin care routine. If seeing his partner screaming and flinching isn’t enough to get him to take his hands off of you, then no explanation will suffice. I think part of you feels like you have to downplay this because it’s “just” about acne, but it’s actually about the pretty basic, fundamental principles of physical safety, bodily autonomy, and trusting that your partner will listen when you say “Don’t touch me.” Physically separate yourself from him. Stay with a friend or family member you trust. Talk to the people you love about what your husband’s been doing to you. I don’t think anyone who cares about you is going to hear “My husband grabs me and pokes at my skin while I scream for him to stop” and think you should go back and try to explain to him why he shouldn’t do that. He hurts you, then gets angry with you for asking him to stop. I don’t care how great a husband he is the rest of the time because nothing can make up for that lack of safety. He’s not confused or misguided. He hears you screaming, watches you try to twist away, and keeps hurting you. You cannot trust him. —Danny M. Lavery From: Help! My Husband Is Obsessed With Popping My Pimples. (Dec. 16, 2019). Classic Prudie My wife and I have a female-led relationship. Before we got married, I agreed that she could “take other lovers,” while I would remain faithful to her alone. She said that she might not ever see anyone else, but she liked that I knew she could. Well, now she’s pregnant, and I’m wondering the obvious. We do have intercourse, but not often. She was away on business near the time she would have conceived. I don’t know whether she’s ever had another lover. I could have asked that before, but now I’m afraid of how it would come across. Should I ask, or just wait to see if the baby looks like me?
