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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Prudence, A few years ago, I participated in an online forum where people criticized a popular outdoor influencer I’ll call “Sally.” Some of the discussions were immature and uncalled for, but my own comments focused on what I believed were legitimate concerns. In retaliation, Sally made a video where she revealed my full name, occupation, and state. She falsely implied I was stalking her and compared me to people she claims have pushed her toward self-harm. Dozens of her followers tried to get me fired by contacting my employer (who laughed it off), but the harassment got bad enough that I had to lock down my social media and even rename my side business. Doxxing is illegal where she lives, so I filed police reports with her local department, but because she made the video out of the country, nothing came of it. Now Sally has announced a new memoir with a major publisher, and she’s hinting on social media that she plans to keep naming the people who have criticized her. I genuinely regret participating in that forum at all at this point, but I also don’t think I deserve to be punished and called a cyberbully for making critical comments about a public figure. I don’t want to go through another round of harassment or have my reputation ruined. Is there anything I can do before this book comes out to protect myself? Should I contact the publisher? Hire a lawyer? Or should I just hope she forgets about me and stays quiet? —Done Being Doxxed Dear Done Being Doxxed, Yes, you should speak to a lawyer to see what your options are. But it feels unlikely to me that you’ll be mentioned by name (memoirists tend to disguise names and details to avoid lawsuits). Run this idea of mine by your attorney: How about an apology? I don’t know if this would feel right given how much the influencer’s actions hurt you, but if you’ve had any regrets about going out of your way to publicly criticize her or gained any new insights about how it feels to be attacked online, telling her you’re sorry might be disarming. Even if you are mentioned in the book, this is where it comes in handy that so many people love social media and hate to read. Rest assured that anything the influencer writes about you in her book will get much less attention there than it did when it was included in a post that was sent out to what I assume is a huge following. Dear Prudence, I am tired of being my sister’s emotional squeeze toy. She is the type of person who needs to be in a romantic relationship and disappears the moment she gets a guy, so she doesn’t have real friends, just casual ones. She will literally not talk to me for months until her romance hits a snag and she needs me 24/7 for support. This pattern has been going on since college. We aren’t close to our dad and stepmother, and mom is very sick and doesn’t have the energy to deal with my sister’s antics. The past two years have been especially bad. She and her boyfriend are in a constant spiral of breakups and makeups. The last one seemed to be the final one when my sister found out he was cheating on her, so she kicked him out, and he vandalized her car. I took a week off from my new job to fly down and help my sister—be a shoulder to cry on, get rid of his things, look for a new place, etc. I only get two weeks at my job, and this was short notice. The week I returned from the trip, they got back together and worst, engaged! This time, I didn’t hold back my irritation at my sister. I reminded her of everything that happened, and she said that I was selfish and didn’t want her to be happy. I told her to look in the mirror. I dropped everything to fly across the country because she “needed” me, and now I needed to be fake happy for her going back to this bozo? I told her we weren’t sisters; I was just the one woman captive audience for her drama. She hung up and blocked me. I am done. I know that I am going to be dragged into this wedding circus and forced to be maid of honor because my sister doesn’t have anyone else. I am resigned to attending this future fiasco, but I won’t spend thousands of dollars on a marriage that won’t even hit the one-year mark. And it will seriously rock the boat with my family. Help! —No More Doormat Dear No More Doormat, Your sister sounds like she’s an infuriating person to deal with, but you’re a little off base when it comes to what you’re most concerned with here. She doesn’t deserve your anger for asking you to come visit and then reconciling with her boyfriend. Stuff like that happens! It’s not an attack on you, and neither is her history of questionable dating decisions. And your (probably correct) prediction that her marriage won’t work out shouldn’t bother you enough to make you consider skipping the wedding. At the core of your issue with your sister is that you want to be close to her, and she only wants that closeness with you when she’s having relationship problems. This must feel especially urgent given that you have a small family and not many other people to turn to for the kind of connection you’re after. Digging even deeper, maybe you’re actually a little bit scared to feel alone in the world if the day eventually comes that your mom is no longer here, and your sister is in one of her man-obsessed phases and can’t give you any attention. This advice feels really basic, but can you tell her that? At some point before her wedding, just say, “I know we’re been bumping heads over your relationship, and the truth is, I get really hurt when you’re focused on a man and don’t talk to me as much, and I’m scared of what your marriage will mean for our relationship. In our family, we really only have each other, and I want to feel like I have a sister in my corner all the time, not just when you’re going through a breakup. After you get settled into being married for a couple of months, can we make a plan to talk once a week/visit each other a few times a year/plan an annual girls’ trip with just us? Even though we fight a lot, I love you and I want our relationship to be solid.” Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Dear Prudence, I have a lovely friend who delights in giving very thoughtful gifts. The problem is that they always somehow miss the mark. For example, she knows I love champagne, so she bought me a case of sickly sweet demi-sec bubbles that I would never drink. Of course, I am always grateful for and appreciative of her kindness, and I can usually repurpose the present (e.g., I used some terrible bath salts she gave me to repel snails in the garden), but I was wondering whether I should gently try to steer her choices? Is it unkind to leave her blissfully unaware, or would it be ungrateful to tell her something is not to my tastes? —You Really Shouldn’t Have Dear You Really Shouldn’t Have, Don’t tell her. I say this especially because the divide between what your friend likes to give and what you like to receive feels like it is informed by what some people would think of as good or sophisticated versus bad or low-brow taste. I don’t want you to make her think you’re looking down your nose at her for liking sweet champagne and heavily fragranced bath salts. It would be one thing if you didn’t drink at all or randomly hated grape-scented things—that would be good information to share—but it sounds like you two just exist in different worlds when it comes to the products you think are nice. Accept the gifts for what they are: an expression of her affection and care for you. The snails can continue to enjoy your bath salts, and I’m sure there’s someone in your life who would love a case of champagne at any sweetness level. Classic Prudie I’m 49, and my husband, Quinn, is 42. I love the way I look and the way I’ve aged, so I don’t say the following to be self-deprecating: Quinn is breathtakingly gorgeous and has only grown more handsome with age. Women and men are drawn to him, and I can’t fault them for taste. Most people are respectful about it, but there have been a number of people over the years who’ve either believed I wasn’t good-looking enough for Quinn or that he would cheat on me (possibly with them).
