By Bosede Ola-Samuel

Copyright tribuneonlineng

The storyline to this one piece is this: A man discussed his plan to place his wife, who was nursing a set of twins, on a monthly allowance till they came of age, and she went back to work. Unfortunately, he was dissuaded by his friends for fear of their wives making similar demands when their wives got to know about the wifey allowance.

However, the advice turned out to be bad, and he eventually made a U-turn and salvaged the situation of his wife and marriage. Thus, the need for this piece of advice for married couples is to give no place to the crowd in your marriage. Enjoy the reading.

Marriage, by definition, is a relationship between two persons for certain purposes. It is the business of two persons to conduct the affairs of their lives together as one entity. So, if marriage is succeeding or will succeed, the two persons involved must have armed themselves with the necessary weapons and tools to keep the crowd at bay in their relationship. This is because there will always be a crowd in the marital company, who will be a blessing or a curse, a liability or an asset.

This outcome of the crowd, whether negative or positive, will be determined by the sagacity of the persons involved in the marriage. That is, each couple must fashion out a plan to handle the crowd around their marriage.

The crowd content

The good-intentioned crowd

The relatives who have good intentions but wrong approaches to actualise the good intentions for the couple. They have the interest of the couple at heart, but can be over-caring to the detriment of the marriage.

The live-in crowd

These are the relatives, acquaintances, and friends who come to live in the same house with the couple.

The mischievous crowd

This is not a group of well-wishers, but detractors seeking ways to devour the persons in the marriage. They can be subtle and deadly. They set traps for the couple to derail the marital train. This crowd is not nice at all, either in intentions, conduct, or strategies. They are spoilers of joy.

All of these have one thing in common: monitoring. They monitor the movement, progress, conduct, etc., of the marriage. With the reports that are gathered, the crowd can be a source of conflicts in the marriage by engendering strife between the couple, especially the live-in crowd, who practically know the secrets or are exposed to the secrets of the couple — their quarrels, weaknesses, financial situation, etc. For example, when a husband does the dishes and cooks in the house, or when a wife practically foots the bills of the union, the live-in crowd makes a topic out of it to the parents of the couple, or other relatives, or outsiders in a derogatory manner. This is especially relevant in societies where husband and wife have rigid, traditionally defined roles, which make certain things “no-go” areas for a husband or a wife.

The crowd makes comments that may bring a couple into conflict on the basis of such assigned roles. This is where the couple must deploy their skills to deal with such issues.

Handling the crowd

This requires the following, which must be intentional acts in the marriage:

The couple must be wise in dealing with each other. You may deliberately avoid flaunting the good deeds of your spouse publicly in the neighbourhood to avoid heightened jealousy and/or envy. This is important where you have couples in abusive and stressful marriages around you. Be wise to ignore certain happenings around you, or constant negative comments about your spouse.

Sensitivity

A couple must be sensitive to the situations and comments of people around them who may be out to bring them into conflicts. For example, when a neighbour constantly condemns your spouse’s attitude or conduct, or finds fault with his or her attitude, such a couple must be careful to note such and fashion out a way to deal with the situation.

Carefulness

It’s often said that one cannot be too careful about situations. So, be careful in your dealings with each other when others are around you or live in the same apartment or compound with you. Avoid conduct that will bring about a crack in the wall of your marriage. Know when to apply the break in communication in cases of quarrels and arguments. You cannot be carefree in expressing your feelings or hurts before the crowd. Otherwise, you will endanger the marriage.

Stringent actions

These include taking very decisive decisions, such as sending away a live-in person or persons and cutting off from a relationship in the area, which has a negative impact on your marriage. Standing by your spouse in the face of criticisms by your relatives or neighbours is highly desirable. Do not expose your spouse to ridicule by joining forces with his or her critics. Rather, you should protect your spouse in such instances.

In all of the above, realising that the crowd acts mostly in their own selfish interests, rather than in the interest of the couple, that’s why the couple must not swallow all the crowd’s advice hook, line, and sinker. Rather, it should be taken with a pinch of salt.

Why the crowd must be properly handled

It is a common saying that “Two is a company, three is a crowd.” Also, it’s often said that “You don’t focus on the crowd at the market, but on what you go to the market for.” The crowd is a distraction in the marriage. It’s a necessary evil at times. So, it must be handled with care to stop the marital train from derailing.

Don’t allow a third party to rule your marriage, no matter who he or she is. Rather, own your marriage.

I learnt of a lady who permitted her parents to be the deciding factor in her marriage, and by the time the marriage entered into crisis, the interest of the parents was the paramount thing, and it was the albatross to the union. The marriage moved from top to bottom before it crashed.

The crowd is a distraction. They gossip about the couple in many ways. Many homes have been ruined by the crowd in many ways — illicit sex, gossip, snatching the husband, and, in some cases, killing a spouse.

This is why a couple must be intentional and diligent in handling the crowd in their marriage. The evil they do outweighs the good. That’s not, however, to say nothing good comes out of the crowd. But caution is the watchword in dealing with the crowd.

•You can avail yourself of copies of my books, ‘Enjoying Great Sex Life’ and ‘How To Help Your Wife Enjoy Sex’. Contact 08112658560 for details. SMS only.