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For thousands of Hong Kong professionals with ageing parents overseas, caregiving is not a daily routine, but a long-distance act of love, logistics and emotional labour. Angela Kaur Baura, a counsellor-in-training, made a quiet vow at her father’s bedside during what was meant to be a celebration of his and her mother’s 50th wedding anniversary. When he died suddenly, that promise – to care for her mother – became her compass. In the eight months since, she has shuttled between Hong Kong and Dubai, coordinating medical care remotely and learning to advocate from thousands of miles away. “For the longest time, I took my parents for granted,” she says. “Now I call my mother every day. I’ve learned that, [in] being a distance caregiver, guilt, regret, sadness and more are entirely normal feelings, if they don’t overwhelm or derail us.” She credits her resilience to self-care: weekly singing lessons, her counselling studies and a strong personal network. “Importantly, I recognise I don’t have to do this alone: my younger brother and I have divided our responsibilities in line with our strengths, and my husband and children have been wonderfully supportive and adaptable. “I’ve developed relationships with Mum’s friends in Dubai who are so thoughtful, and my extended family and friends offer support and the space to cry – or scream.” Her experience is echoed by Mark Thatcher, head of APAC Risk for an American hedge fund, whose mother lives alone in Bristol, England. She suffers from dementia and recurrent transient ischemic attacks, so-called mini-strokes that leave her confused and temporarily unable to speak. “She lives on her own, so when these happen, we may not even know about them,” Thatcher says. “She’s often sent to A&E in an ambulance – on her own. And because she can’t remember what the doctors did or advised, we’re left guessing.” Near-misses compound the uncertainty. Recently, she fell in her garden, fractured her wrist and could not get up or call for help. She was not wearing her panic alarm. “Luckily, neighbours heard her yelling and called an ambulance,” Thatcher says. He also lives with a constant fear: “There’s always a feeling like you may not have time to get there if these are the last moments the parent is alive, to be able to say goodbye or see them one last time. And that can be distressing.” Cultural expectations add another layer. His Chinese wife feels a stronger sense of filial duty. “Her parents are in the UK now, but will eventually move back to Hong Kong to be closer to us. We find that Chinese parents are much more willing to accept help than Western parents, who are frightfully independent.” To help the growing number of distance carers, Hong Kong-based psychologist Angela Watkins, founder of Red Door Counselling, launched the Care Bridge. This free weekly online therapy group welcomes adults caring for ageing relatives from afar. “Over a decade of private practice, I have regularly heard clients express stress and anxiety around long-distance care – the guilt, the sibling negotiations, the question of ‘What am I responsible for?’” Watkins says. With support from counsellors-in-training completing their placements at Red Door – including Kaur Baura – the team launched the group in August. It meets on Tuesday evenings via Zoom, with alternating structured and unstructured sessions. “The unstructured group therapy sessions provide an open forum where group members can share their current experiences and worries,” Watkins says. “The rest of the group and the counsellors respond to these situations in the moment – providing support, recognising the members’ feelings and occasionally offering advice. “The structured sessions address skills and strategies that we hope will help our group members in coping with the stress of the care of relatives at a distance.” Those sessions combine group therapy with materials and information about mental health, psychological issues and ways to cope or manage them. They cover topics such as setting boundaries, mindfulness and understanding what is inside and outside your control. Group members come from diverse backgrounds, and these differences influence how each person experiences expectations, responsibility and guilt. A Red Door survey of 52 long-distance carers in Asia found that 82.7 per cent experience high anxiety about their relative’s well-being and 73 per cent report guilt. Common stressors include financial strain, reliance on others for updates and fear of missing emergencies. For Kaur Baura, the group has become a vital extension of her support system. “I find the Care Bridge to be a non-judgmental space for caregivers to share their experiences and feel less alone while we carry our ‘invisible’ mental load,” she says. “The confidential space allows me to have unfiltered conversations, to recognise the similarities and uniqueness of our experiences. We talk about needing a village to raise a child – I feel we need a village through every significant life transition.” Watkins reminds carers to have self-compassion. “Supporting a relative in their later years is always hard, and possibly even harder at a distance. You can do your best, and that will need to be enough. Sometimes that is a hard position to recognise and accept,” she says. The group is open to all, regardless of location. To join the Care Bridge, email angelaw@reddoor.hk or call +852 9378 5428. Zoom links are sent weekly to registered participants. You can also reach out via reception@reddoor.hk. Like what you read? Follow SCMP Lifestyle on Facebook, X and Instagram. You can also sign up for our eNewsletter here.
