DEAR ABBY: My husband, “Andy,” and I have been together 25 years, married for 16. We have three kids ages 14, 11 and 9. Our marriage has always been a happy one. Andy began a government job five years ago, and after two years, he was traveling a lot.
Once he started traveling so often, I had a hard time adjusting to being everything for my kids and not having his support, and he began to resent me for getting so upset every time he left. Travel was not supposed to be part of the job.
We have had huge fights. Andy is drinking a lot, and I found out he had an affair. This has been a huge personality change for him. The man I married would never have had an affair or treated me the way he has. My husband is angry and distant all the time.
We are in counseling and trying to figure out if we have anything left to salvage of our relationship and for our kids. I keep getting mixed signals about where Andy stands. In some conversations, he’s all in. In others, it’s like he can barely look at me, like I did something wrong. Am I a fool for trying to work this out? — MAKING AN EFFORT IN LOUISIANA
DEAR MAKING: You are not a fool; you feel your marriage is something worth fighting for. I’m glad you are in counseling together. That your husband is willing to do this with you is a positive sign. Andy is having trouble looking you in the eye because he feels guilty. Some subjects that should be raised during some of your joint counseling sessions are whether the cause of his ambivalence is that his affair isn’t completely over, how important that government job is to the welfare of your family and whether all of his increased travel was more related to the woman he was seeing than to his job. You have my sympathy.
DEAR ABBY: For 35 years, I have liked a guy I met at church. He was the minister. We never dated, although I developed a strong attraction to him. He lied about his personal life and then ran off and got married without telling anyone he had been engaged the whole time, which left me hurt and heartbroken.
Since then, I have dated other men, but while I may have physically moved on, I haven’t managed to do it emotionally. I have carried these feelings toward him for so long, and they have grown even stronger since I became single again. I’m not sure why. He’s far beyond my grasp, and I’m too scared to reach out to him. We live in different states. Is this yearning for him normal? Could I be in love with him or is it lust? — LOVESICK IN WASHINGTON
DEAR LOVESICK: I don’t think it is either one. I think you are in love with the FANTASY of having a relationship with an idealized person upon whom you have projected values he didn’t live by. For some people, this seems safer than the challenges of a relationship with a real person, flaws and all. What you are doing is wasting your time. If you really want to have someone in your life, consign this crush to the past and focus on the future.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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