DEAR ABBY: For 35 years, I have liked a guy I met at church. He was the minister. We never dated, although I developed a strong attraction to him. He lied about his personal life and then ran off and got married without telling anyone he had been engaged the whole time, which left me hurt and heartbroken.
Since then, I have dated other men, but while I may have physically moved on, I haven’t managed to do it emotionally. I have carried these feelings toward him for so long, and they have grown even stronger since I became single again. I’m not sure why. He’s far beyond my grasp, and I’m too scared to reach out to him. We live in different states. Is this yearning for him normal? Could I be in love with him or is it lust? — LOVESICK IN WASHINGTON
DEAR LOVESICK: I don’t think it is either one. I think you are in love with the FANTASY of having a relationship with an idealized person upon whom you have projected values he didn’t live by. For some people, this seems safer than the challenges of a relationship with a real person, flaws and all. What you are doing is wasting your time. If you really want to have someone in your life, consign this crush to the past and focus on the future.
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Stories by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby: Husband starts a job with more travel, and everything I thought I knew about him crumbles
Dear Abby: Mr. Fix-It has a savior complex with women, and wonders why they keep leaving him
Dear Abby: I’m only 29, and my life already feels like it’s at a dead end
Dear Abby: Is my son a habitual liar, or is he just ashamed to tell us the truth about his job
Dear Abby: Roommate is like Jekyll and Hyde when it comes to alcohol; I don’t want to give up on him
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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