DEAR ABBY: I’m a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. A fellow AA member suffered critical injuries in a motorcycle accident recently and had been in the ICU for several weeks. I visited the hospital regularly, bringing cookies and offering support to his girlfriend, who is also in the program.
During my last visit, I unknowingly arrived at the exact moment doctors began withdrawing life support. I had no idea it was going to happen and witnessed the kind of raw grief that comes in moments like that. Afterward, I hugged his girlfriend and quietly left. Only later did I learn that many in our AA group knew he was being taken off life support that day.
I am now devastated. I worry that his girlfriend and family think I showed up intentionally, intruding on such a deeply private, painful moment. I’m afraid I caused harm where I only meant to help. I don’t know when I’ll see her again to make amends. How do I come to terms with what I’ve done? — HEARTBROKEN IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You must not blame yourself for something you didn’t know. During the weeks you visited that man and his girlfriend at the hospital, I am sure you brought comfort to the girlfriend and any family member you encountered. The next time you see her, tell her how sorry you are for her loss, that you didn’t realize how close her boyfriend was to the end and apologize if your presence caused anybody pain. (I am sure it did not!)
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Stories by Abigail Van Buren
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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