Copyright The Boston Globe
C.B. / Lochwinnoch, Scotland Yes, you do have to wear a costume. When a host has planned a party around a theme, attending the party means going along with that to the best of your ability. Otherwise, you’re undermining your hosts in an unkind way. Showing up without a costume or an excuse sends the message “You’re nice enough people, but your party idea was stupid.” This may indeed be your opinion, but your fancy-dress-loving friends don’t want to hear it. A costume party can absorb a small number of the uncostumed, say 10 percent to 15 percent of the total party population. More than that and the people who did wear costumes start to feel odd about it, even though they’re the ones doing the right thing (just like the people who don’t bring gifts when the invitation says “No gifts, please” feel awkward when other guests show up with gaily wrapped prezzies). Some people will be unable to come in costume, for whatever reason (arriving straight from work, etc.), which means the merely unwilling shouldn’t claim plainclothes privilege for themselves. Costumes aren’t hard. This isn’t Comic Con; nobody expects you to come in full, authentic Stormtrooper gear. Wear black with orange accessories and be “The Spirit of Halloween.” Smudge blue shadow under your eyes and wear a business suit and be a Zombie Bureaucrat. Black pants and a red long-sleeved T-shirt and you’re a Star Trek redshirt — a particularly apposite costume if you plan to leave the party before everyone else. Could you clarify proper etiquette for giving someone a house tour? When someone is invited to my house for the first time, should I offer a tour or only give one if asked? It seems like showing off to offer a tour. T.B. / Boston What an excellent question as we approach the season of entertaining and family visits. The house tour has two purposes, utilitarian and expressive. A host should show guests the rooms that are relevant to them and explain any dos or don’ts — “Help yourself to the beer in the refrigerator” or “The hot-water faucet sticks.” It’s acceptable to indicate what rooms are off-limits, too. Your guests will be relieved to know that they’re not going to walk in on your teenager in the bathroom and to realize that when you come over they can lock all the laundry and the bad-tempered cat in the spare bedroom and forbid you entry. If someone is staying overnight or longer, take them through the entire house. That’s as much house tour as you have to give. If you want to show folks around more (guests are not supposed to ask for a tour), you should. Think of it as show and tell, not showing off. Homes don’t just say what we have, they say who we are. Your home can give you a chance to introduce your interests and history to guests. Customize your tours to your guests’ interests; don’t always give the same speech. If your tour sparks conversation — about art, travel, gardening, child-raising, cooking, whatever passion or preoccupation is reflected in your home and in your visitor alike — you’re doing it right. Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
