Copyright Forbes
I spent the first phase of my career thinking that resilience was synonymous with endurance. It was a badge of honor to pull all-nighters, eat late-night takeout, and “power through” panic attacks or feelings of impending doom. As a first-generation American, I was taught not to talk about feelings and certainly never to show vulnerability; the accepted cultural approach was to power through anxiety. This mindset defined my time in investment banking and the early days of the internet. When stress hit, my approach was purely reactive: just grit your teeth and run harder, faster, and push through it. It felt like a constant, relentless marathon that never seemed to end. But as I achieved professional success (including power suits and some embarrassingly expensive ties), I realized the material goods didn’t bring happiness. The constant grind left me burned out and disconnected from my purpose. This was the defining era of “toxic resilience,” although I didn’t have the vocabulary for it then. It was hustle culture manifesting as productivity at all costs, demanding unlimited bandwidth and rewarding those who pushed past human limitations. I was so consumed by the race that I just assumed grinding was the norm. The culture of Wall Street is not the only one in which this problem is prevalent. In a study of those in the nursing profession, for example, “The burden of resilience being is placed on the individual rather than addressing systemic failings is not unique to students.”1 Sounds familiar. The Pivotal Experience: Recognizing the Difference The pivotal experience that truly shifted my perspective wasn’t a single catastrophic event, but a deep reckoning driven by conversations and my journey into mental health care at Calm. I learned that true resilience is fundamentally different from the toxic concept I endured earlier in my career. The dictionary defines resilience as: “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.”2 True resilience is our ability to adapt, recover, and grow in the face of challenges and struggles. It is rooted in self-compassion and the wisdom to honor your boundaries and human limitations. In my bestselling book, Recharge, I had a conversation with Dr. Aditi Nerurkar, the stress and burnout expert, who crystallized this difference for me. She explained that true resilience celebrates the ability to say “no” when necessary. This insight compelled me to examine my own life. I realized that my old coping skills—smoking, poor sleep, and a scotch at night—were draining my mental battery. I finally understood the importance of consistency and presence over short bursts of intense grinding followed by mandatory, prolonged recovery time. If I put myself under constant physical and mental distress, I would break. I decided to choose consistency and presence with my team and my family. This decision marked the beginning of building sustainable strength, one conversation and one boundary at a time. Transforming My Leadership Approach: Empathy and Clarity My journey to building true resilience fundamentally transformed my leadership style, moving away from the “power through” model towards one rooted in empathy and radical transparency. First, I had to adopt self-compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff, co-founder of the Center for Mindful Compassion, writes, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and support we’d give to a good friend.”3 I was always hard on myself. By allowing myself to be more vulnerable, both personally and professionally, I began to see mental well-being not as a weakness but as a source of strength. Today, I share more with my support network, something I never did in the past. This personal shift immediately impacted how I led others. As CEO, I often spend time in the “red” zones—handling things that are not going well. This constant problem-solving is mentally exhausting. To mitigate this stress across the organization and lead with clarity, I focused on three intentional areas to foster my resilience—and the resilience of my team: 1. Transparency and Shared Accountability (Communicating the “Why” ) I learned that my team needs clarity and context, especially in high-stakes situations like restructuring or market downturns. Leaders are often reluctant to communicate difficult truths, but constantly questioning yourself and worrying about whether you are on the right path causes immense stress. Now, I lead with transparency. We maintain a single set of numbers shared with both the board and the management team, thereby eliminating the internal complexity of maintaining two narratives. More importantly, we communicate the why behind our strategy. When employees feel perpetually burned out because workloads are constantly “stacked” without removing old priorities, they become frustrated and feel their work doesn’t matter. By being transparent about organizational priorities and goals, we ensure that every employee understands how their work fits into the overall strategy, mitigating the feeling that leadership is clueless. 2. Empathy and Listening (Leading Beyond Metrics) I realized that if you want employees to be productive, you have to understand what is happening when they are not at work. Leading with empathy means acknowledging that stress stems not only from work demands but also from chronic global issues, financial concerns, caregiving responsibilities, personal issues, and more. To foster this empathy, I use “listening tours” to spend time with different teams to understand how they are feeling overall. This intentional communication helps us close the loop where information might get lost. I adopted the “Chief Listener” philosophy (as espoused by former Apple CEO John Sculley when I interviewed him for my book) by always aiming to speak last in conversations. This approach ensures all voices are heard and prevents junior staff from censoring themselves in the presence of their manager or CEO. 3. Setting Healthy Boundaries To lead authentically in promoting mental well-being, leaders must model the behavior they expect. I learned to draw clearer lines. For instance, I reduced my travel from three weeks a month to four or five days a month. Crucially, I set boundaries around communication. Even if I work on the weekend, I will delay emails until Monday morning to ensure employees know they should be disconnecting from work. This intentionality prevents the “always on” mentality that leads to chronic stress. My ultimate goal is to move the conversation about mental health from being a “they” problem to a “we” thing. The collective trauma of the COVID-19 pandemic made it clear that stress and burnout affect everyone, cross-industry and cross-culture. By building true resilience—which balances high performance with honest self-care and compassion—I found the clarity and fortitude needed to lead not just through high-stakes decisions, but with sustained empathy for my team, making us a stronger company.
