Copyright nintendolife
In the magazine business, the back page is where you'd find all the weird goofs that we couldn't fit in anywhere else. Some may call it "filler"; we prefer "a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag". We don't have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page. Today, Kate is confessing to a crime. But let's be perfectly, legally clear here, just in case: this is a joke, and Kate is not, in fact, the Louvre thief. Hopefully that's clear. Okay, so, look, I wasn't trying to do a heist. This is all a big misunderstanding. See, the Louvre is mostly known for its paintings, statues, stealing art from other countries, and being hard to pronounce for anyone who doesn't have a French tongue. (Loov. Looooov-ruh. Loovuhrrr. Loovurhrh. Never mind.) Also, that one really famous, wildly underwhelming picture of the lady with the mystic smile. But that's not what I care about when it comes to the Louvre. The Parisian pyramid is the only museum in the world that used 3DSes as their audio guides, and I've never had the chance to try them! And then, tragically, when the museum discontinued them earlier this year, I thought to myself, 'Well, what are they going to do with all those 3DSes? Put them into the archive, like all the rejected paintings that don't draw a big enough crowd? I won't stand for it.' So, I went to visit the museum. Just a normal visit, you understand! And yes, I went in through a first-floor window via a ladder, but that wasn't because I was planning to steal things! I just wanted to beat the crowds. And avoid the entry cost. I mean, €25 to walk very slowly through a crowd taking selfies with the Mona Lisa? That's the real robbery here. €25 to walk very slowly through a crowd taking selfies with the Mona Lisa? That's the real robbery here. It was fully my intention to walk over to the information desk, politely ask about the 3DSes, and whether a caring patron of the arts such as myself could make a donation to the museum in order to take one home, and then once they'd handed me a big box of 3DSes, I would leave down my special museum ladder. But once I was in, well, the crown jewels were just sitting there. I thought to myself, 'You can buy a lot of 3DSes with crown jewels money. Maybe you could even afford a single secondhand copy of Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver from CeX!' Besides, I had a very capacious tote bag with me. It wasn't until I was slowly trundling down the ladder back to the streets of Paris that I even realised that I'd done a heist, or that no sane person on eBay is going to buy obviously stolen crown jewels. So, here I am, with no 3DSes and too many crown jewels, and people keep writing articles about how cool I am, despite the fact that crown jewels can't play Hotel Dusk or Kid Icarus: Uprising. Look, I wrote up a comparison: As you can see, the obvious winner is the 3DS. It's not even close. And sure, the Crown Jewels make for some very nice hats, but I don't even want hats. I want to play Pullblox, on a commuter train, with the option to make my eyes feel like they're being peeled from the inside! Crown Jewels don't even have expandable SD card storage, so even if I wanted to take them to fancy parties or state occasions, I'd have to bring a separate external hard drive with me for all my games. Who wants to bring an external hard drive to a masquerade ball, or the coronation of the new monarch? Not me. It's very unfashionable. But all is not lost. I have, in fact, started to melt down a couple of the pieces, because I have an amazing idea. I may not have a Louvre 3DS, but I do have a normal 3DS, and it's one of the 'New' ones with swappable faceplates. I've had mine protected by an understated Triforce-pattern plate for a long, long time, so I think I've earned a little glitz and glamour, haven't I? It turns out that gluing 10-carat emeralds to a bit of plastic is a little difficult, but it's worth it. I feel like a queen, if queens knew what autostereoscopic handheld video game consoles were. It does make the thing bloody heavy, though. Oh, and hopefully it goes without saying, but please don't tell anyone that I did the heist, okay? I really, really don't want to go to French prison. Or any kind of prison, really. I don't think they let you keep your 3DSes when you're incarcerated. Thanks.
