Dear Eric: I’m a newly married 69-year-old woman who was previously a widow after 43 years of marriage. My present husband and I have been married for a little over a year. We dated in high school and coincidentally ended up together.
Prior to getting married, my husband never mentioned he wanted to go on an African safari with his adult son, and now it has come up frequently. I have made it clear it upsets me that he wants to do this, travel without me, and I am not paying for this adventure. Why would I not be included? But I don’t desire to go on an African safari either.
I don’t understand it — this wanting to be away from me for that long. It hurts me deeply that they didn’t do this stuff all those years when he was single. Now he’s retired, so possibly that’s why his son has come up with this idea. His son barely comes around as he struggles with anxiety.
I do not know how to handle this. It tears me apart to think this man I’ve fallen in love with thinks nothing of being away from me for so long. I married this man to be a couple through thick and thin.
Please help me come to grips with all of this. Am I being unreasonable and unfair?
— Left at Home
Dear Left: Let’s look at this from your husband’s point of view — he’s recently retired, so he finally has more time for bucket list items. He’s also newly married, so it’s likely that his free time is less available for events with his son than it might have been before you were together.
It makes sense, then, that they’d want to do this once-in-a-lifetime trip together. I would strongly encourage you to celebrate this with him, instead of begrudging it. In short, it is unfair to hold this trip against him.
Be happy for your husband, but don’t beat yourself up too much. Transitioning to this new relationship after a 43-year marriage is going to take some adjustment. You love each other, but you’re also still learning about each other.
For the health of your relationship, it will be important for you to remember that both you and your husband have full lives. While you’re committed to building a life together, there are going to be things that each of you does on your own.
This safari trip is not about you; it isn’t an example of your husband abandoning you. Try to see it for what it is—a rare opportunity for him to pursue a dream and a chance for you, back home, to find something that brings you joy, as well. When you’re reunited, you can tell each other what you’ve learned and discovered.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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