Dear Eric: My boyfriend and I have been together for years. We are both “mature” adults. My problem is that whenever we are around other women, my boyfriend locks eyes with a woman and stares at her seductively, sometimes rubbing her back, cuddling with her, sometimes kissing her and giving her his undivided attention.
It doesn’t matter if the women are wives of his friends, neighbors, new acquaintances and he even does his “seductive stare” while conducting business with women. The women love it and it usually ends up being a “mutual seduction.”
I am pretty sure that he has had sex with some of these women, married or single. When his “seductive/flirtations” start, I am ignored, humiliated, embarrassed and totally disrespected by both parties.
I say nothing while this is going on in front of my eyes. I do not want to make a scene. I dread going to any get-togethers with him, because of his seductive come-ons to other women. However, privately I have confronted Lover Boy about his “performance.” He lies, says I am crazy and that it never happened. Other than this problem, we get along great. What is your advice?
– Lover Boy’s Lady
Dear Lady: This sounds profoundly unhealthy, not to mention inappropriate. Are other people at these get-togethers or in these professional situations not seeing this? Something’s not adding up.
You write that other than this you get along great, but that’s a pretty big “this” and I suspect it’s destabilizing your whole relationship.
Two pieces of advice: First, this behavior is bothering you and it’s wise to separate yourself from it if your boyfriend refuses to stop or acknowledge it’s happening. That may mean putting a pause on your relationship and physically separating yourself until this is resolved through counseling or conversation.
Second, talk to friends you trust about what’s going on. Ask them if they’re seeing the same thing you’re seeing. These displays are so public that they should be able to affirm that what you’re seeing is true and support you in distancing yourself from it. If they have a different perspective, these conversations are a safer, less charged space to double-check what you’re thinking and seeing. I don’t want to give you the impression that I don’t believe you – I don’t know what’s happening and I accept your letter as fact. But when we’re getting disconfirming information about our experience, it’s helpful to get backup from those we trust.
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(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)