Dear Eric: I have a longtime friend who, at 60, has entered the online dating world after the death of her husband four years ago. She has yet to meet the “right guy.”
She matches with men who are still married, looking for someone to support them, looking for sex only, and the list goes on. When she does have someone match with her on the dating site, she jumps in with both feet, inviting them to meet in person, often the very next day, rather than just talk to them for a little while to see if they have anything in common.
Her most recent match was invited to her family Thanksgiving after only being matched for one week, unless, and I quote, “he breaks her heart before then.” She’s been ghosted by more men than I can even count, and I always have to hear about it.
She then tells me that she is unlovable, not attractive, “not the kind of woman that men want,” “the kind of person who settles,” et cetera. I used to build her up constantly when she would make these remarks but now, quite honestly, I’m tired of hearing it. I’ve suggested that she volunteer, join a book club (she likes to read), join a widow’s group, and she may meet someone in those settings that would be more aligned with her lifestyle. If she wants to continue her online quest, that’s entirely her right, but I really don’t want to hear her self-pity when it doesn’t work out. How do I extract myself from these conversations?
– Tired of Hearing About It
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Dear Tired: Stories about online dating woes are sometimes like stories about a person’s dream from the night before. One or two might catch your interest or provide psychological insight, but hearing about them every day gets old.
Have a heart-to-heart with her about what’s really going on. Try this: “I believe you’re worthy of love. You found it once and even if you don’t find someone that you’re compatible with again, that doesn’t make you any less worthy. It’s hard for me to hear you talking down about yourself. But neither my opinion nor the opinion of a random man you match with is going to matter if you don’t believe it. And, as your friend, I think you’ll be happier if you work on believing it first.”
A therapist is going to be her best option here. There are some fine dating advice books out there, and podcasts on relationships (I’m partial to Jillian Turecki’s excellent podcast “Jillian on Love”), but one-on-one work with a therapist who can help your friend unpack these feelings she’s having and better set herself up for dating.
You don’t have to love yourself in order to be loved by another person. But when we love ourselves first, it becomes easier to accept and believe the love we’re getting from others.
