Dear Eric: My same-sex spouse (of many years) and I have been invited to my niece’s wedding. My brother, his wife, and their children belong to a religion that is disapproving of marriage equality, and this religious group is actively working to take away marriage equality. We will not be attending the wedding. I am not close with this niece or her family (we are in different states, and of different states of mind), and I am not feeling inclined to send anything other than a card. Is it wrong of me to simply send them a card of congratulations on their marriage, and not send a material gift?
— Gay Uncle
Dear Uncle: A card is just fine. A wedding gift is not a requirement, especially if you’re not attending the wedding. A card, too, is a courtesy. You don’t really have to send anything if you don’t want to. But for the sake of family peace, it’s probably easier to buy a stamp, send your well wishes, and be done with it.
Dear Eric: I would wager that the problem in the letter from “Planner,” who felt the burden of always having to plan events for friends, is either that the others feel disincentivized from even trying because they know that their efforts will fall short of what the group has come to expect, or that the events have taken on a certain familiar atmosphere that the others know, consciously or otherwise, they cannot reproduce.
The planner should do something like sigh and say, “I feel like my plans are getting repetitious. Jack, I know you’re interested in tropical orchids; I wonder if you’d like to put together something that will expose us to that world…?” It would minimize the scariness of potential comparisons and encourage “Jack” and the others to step up.
— Alternate Plans
Dear Plans: I like this suggestion. It does require the planner to essentially plan the plan, but sometimes it takes baby steps to change the culture of a friend group.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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