Dear Eric: I’m not happy where we live and want to move to be closer to my family. My parents are in good health now, but I’m concerned I don’t have much time left with them. However, I know if I tell my husband my feelings in wanting to move it will devastate him because this is the first time in my husband’s life that he’s actually enjoyed his job.
If we move where I would like to be, closer to my family as well as his, there is no way he would be able to continue to work at his current job as it’s too far to commute.
We currently live in a rural community that is extremely far from normal city advantages, for example, grocery shopping, health care etc. It was my dream to move here six years ago. Now, I’m done living here. The winter is brutal and harsh; I suffer from Fibromyalgia and living in constant pain has gotten worse with neverending storms. Living here is extremely isolating for me.
He is not a good communicator and often gets angry and pouts for days – not talking to me before finally discussing things as adults. I’ve done searches in the area I’d like to live in and there are multiple job opportunities for his career field, and the financial advantages are great if we moved.
We are in our 40s and still have a lot of working years ahead of us.
– Wants to Go Home
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Dear Home: I empathize with the anxiety you’re feeling – when we’re stuck in uncertainty, anxiety latches on to anything it can and grows.
But I think the largest source of anxiety is inside the house. Your husband has weaponized his emotions against you repeatedly throughout your marriage. Pouting is not a mature response, and the silent treatment is a tactic that is often used by emotionally abusive partners. In a marriage, spouses should care about each other’s feelings, of course, but his emotions are being used to control you and that’s unsafe.
To answer your question of how you tell him: you say, “I’m not happy and I need your help; can you listen to me without judgment or shutting down?” You don’t have to fix his work situation – and, as you note, there are other opportunities for him. His work, and his emotions, are both his responsibility.
Because of the ways that these conversations have gone in the past, I’d recommend talking first to a counselor – though you’re in a remote area, there are many options for online sessions. Ask to practice the conversation with your therapist. And see if your therapist is open to a joint session with your husband to keep you both on track.