Dear Eric: I am a mid-70s, single gay man with no close family ties. I never imagined that anyone could or would want to love me. Even when they were right there, showing me how much they cared.
I did three months of therapy via zoom. It was helpful, but I was not able to admit to that therapist the emotional neglect that I had subjected my dying partner to (he passed from AIDS), how selfish I was in going about my life while he languished and eventually died. How I selfishly ignored his need for the love and support that could have made his last years so much better for him, and for me, had I stepped up for him. Honestly, I am so ashamed of myself I think that the only way for me to truly open up to another person about all of this would be to hide in shame and sadness behind a mask, so they’d never know who I am.
I survive by telling myself that the person I am today is different from the person I was in the past. I work on self-awareness, empathy, being present and being kind. I long to experience happiness even if it’s brief. Do you think that might still be possible for me?
– Lost Life
Stories by R. Eric Thomas
Asking Eric: My husband won’t stop sending money to foreign woman he met online 9 years ago
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Asking Eric: Sister looks for ways to make sibling reunion a happy occasion, not centered on resentments
Dear Lost Life: I want you to really try to believe me when I tell you the short answer: yes, it is possible. Forgiveness, especially of oneself, does not mean forgetting. You’re trapped by the shame of your actions. You have to find room for forgiveness.
In the past, you didn’t do all that you could, but you were also experiencing a constellation of traumas, in the midst of a national and global health epidemic that was often politicized by those in power to make you and others like you feel that they’d brought their suffering on themselves. I write this not to absolve you, but to suggest there’s a new narrative you can start to craft for yourself.
You write that you never thought yourself worthy of love. So that lifelong narrative of unworthiness is only collecting evidence of further unworthiness. To break that cycle, please give therapy another try, this time with a therapist specifically trained to work with gay men, preferably gay men who lived through the onset of the AIDS crisis. Ask the therapist to help create a space that’s safe for the shame that you feel.
Also, reach out to your local LGBTQ community center or organizations working with people living with HIV/AIDS to see if there’s a social group or support group for LGBTQ seniors. You’re not alone and talking with others who have lived through what you’ve lived through and perhaps felt what you feel will remind you of that.