Copyright The Oregonian
Dear Eric: I was raised on the West Coast in a wonderful, loving family with two siblings I have always been close with. My sister moved to the Midwest decades ago and came back to spend all of her holiday breaks with our parents and visit my brother and me. Our parents have passed, and then my brother passed. My sister tries to stay close through frequent visits. The problem is that she assumes she has the same open invitation that she had with our parents. We are all weary of these visits. I love them and enjoy spending time with them, in small doses. Thinking it would negate their need for a Christmas trip (since they’ve been to the West Coast multiple times already this year), my husband and I are visiting my sister and her husband at their home this fall. I was recently texting with my sister, and she referred to their “visit at Christmas.” I immediately felt anxious. I don’t want to alienate her. We are all aging, and I know a day will come when we can no longer travel. I don’t want to have regrets. Friends have suggested that I tell her that we’re traveling during the holidays and won’t be available. I don’t want to lie. What are your thoughts? – Conflicted Sister Dear Sister: You’re right – telling the truth is the better option. But keep it focused on what’s true about yourself: you’re finding your capacity is changing; you love her and like spending time with her; and you need to take a year off this Christmas. Traditions sometimes pop up without our intentions. A pattern becomes something that “we always do.” It’s all right to interrupt the pattern with a request, a need, or simply a break.
