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Yes, it’s only November, but we all know the deal: as soon as the Hallowe’en decorations are taken down, the Christmas ones go up. That’s right, festive season is upon us, and that means only one thing. No, not presents. Rather, a slew of festive adverts. Every year, supermarkets and department stores across the country attempt to out-compete each other by putting on the most lavish, bauble-strewn spectacle they possibly can, all for the enjoyment of our teatime telly eyeballs. But not all ads are born equal. For every corker, there’s also an advert that misses the brief entirely and evokes misery rather than festive cheer. Here’s our roundup of this year’s, ranked from bah, humbug to truly tearjerking. The worst of the worst. Coca-Cola’s execs promised us something different this year. What we got instead was another mountain of AI-generated slop. Yes, there’s the iconic red truck, but it’s driving through a snowy landscape where polar bears, hedgehogs and pandas (why pandas? Why?) look up through glazed, melty eyes to watch it drive past. These animals have no teeth. Also, they have no soul. The cherry on top of the terrible cake? The terrible jingle that plays over the top of it. “It’s always a real thing!” the possibly AI-generated voices proclaim. Burn this and scatter the ashes in space. Picture this. A dark room. A Morrisons ad executive is sitting on a chair, sweating slightly. Suddenly, a bright lamp is shone into their face. Standing behind it: the British public, with one question. Where, please God, are the singing oven gloves? For reasons unknown, the supermarket has decided to change up its strategy this year. And while the result is not quite as bad as the Farmer Christmas content of yesteryear, it’s certainly not going to strike much festive joy into the heart of a casual watcher. The ad is simple. Some more uncharitable reviewers might say boring. We meet a farmer in the height of summer, harvesting his crops. “Merry Christmas!” he says to an alarmed dog walker. Then, a Morrisons (presumably) bakery, where a bemused delivery person is asked to leave a package “over by the tree” — a stack of Morrisons sacks wrapped in fairy lights. You get the idea: they’re celebrating Christmas all through the year. The message is basic, and the ad itself is pretty unimaginative. Where are the jokes? They are feeble. The closest we get to seeing Santa is catching a glimpse of a Morrisons employee wearing a bobble hat through a frosted front door. When the door’s opened and the truth is revealed, the father receiving the delivery looks vaguely disappointed. So are we, random father. So are we. This is how one wastes an all-star lineup. Debenhams has brought together people like Amanda Holden, Alison Hammond and Peter Crouch for its latest festive ad – and yet, they do remarkably little here. Which is a shame, because Alison Hammond is a treasure and should have as much on-screen time as possible. The very Americanised theme is ‘Christmas Parade’, and thus we get to see five-second snippets of various celebs — clearly against a green screen — making token, and very uninspiring, appearances as a parade of massive presents rolls down a suburban street. “Wow, I’m in a shoe!” Hammond says at one point, standing inside a massive shoe. No duh; maybe next year spend less on the appearance fees and more on the script. Is the Lidl Christmas advert a dire commentary on the state of modern day Britain, or a Christmas ad? For one, the whole thing is filmed in a rather depressing greyscale filter, which sucks all the colour out and replaces it with washed-out sepia (a tick in the dire commentary box). For another, there’s no magic or wonder here at all. Instead, we begin with watching men wearing naff-looking star-shaped headdresses on the bus into work, while a little girl watches them through her car window and tells us via voiceover why she loves Christmas so much. Oddly, the reason is not presents, or indeed eating so much chocolate you feel sick (both mainstays of my festive fantasies when I was a kid). Instead, it’s the miserably worthy ideal of spending more time with family and being selfless, accompanied by footage of her shopping at Lidl and hanging out with her gran. If that isn’t a not-very-veiled critique of our capitalist culture, then I’m a Christmas pudding. I’m not against that. This year, the supermarket is again giving out presents to children from impoverished backgrounds via its Toy Bank scheme, which is a worthy cause. It’s just all a bit… dull. Surely an injection of festive sparkle would make the message hit home a little harder? As it is, it’s hard to prevent the eyes from glazing over. Asda’s ad sees Dr Seuss’s The Grinch finding the true meaning of happiness at Christmas is a supermarket that prides itself on low prices. The mean green Christmas-ruining machine’s heart is indeed several sizes too small as he grouches over his family’s desire for “spenny gifts”. His poor kids just want a “well pricey” tree but the cost-of-living crisis has turned their father into a feather-fingered fiend for penny pinching. The along comes a big green Asda sign and the promise of a dinner that won’t break the bank. Cue much joy and merriment as he flies around the store, singing a version of Let It Snow with the lyrics changed to celebrate “prices rolled back down low”. This Grinch, however, is more Scrooge-in-a-fursuit than a camp capering criminal. He doesn’t lack love and kindness, he’s just really stressed out by the cost-of-living crisis. It also somewhat contradicts Dr Seuss’s original message in How The Grinch Stole Christmas! where stealing all the presents and food doesn’t cause the residents of Whoville to despair. “Maybe Christmas (he thought) doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more,” is the central thesis of the Grinch’s hero’s journey. But that doesn’t sell well-priced Christmas puddings and Grinch merch, now does it. Despite being a high street pharmacy, Boots does tend to veer into the whimsical and wonderful for its festive ads — which is possibly why its latest offering looks so much like a Shrek spinoff. What says Christmas, one might argue, like Puss in Boots dressed in a Santa costume, hitting up the chemist for some perfumes? Well indeed — and so that’s exactly what we’re getting here. Puss has been invited to the Snow Queen’s Ball, so of course he needs presents to get his princesses (and token prince charming) looking glam. What better option, therefore, than to ask the magic mirror where’s good, and then set off on an odyssey to a quasi-medieval market town which happens to boast a Boots with a makeup counter and electricity. To be honest, I wasn’t sold until the final 15 seconds of the ad, where the swagged-up party hits up the Snow Queen’s (presumably Elsa from Frozen, but also not for copyright reasons) castle while paparazzi bulbs flash and the courtiers look on in awe. The whole thing closes out with a massive dance party, to the tune of Duran Duran’s Girls on Film and the tagline Gift Happy Ever After. It was pleasingly unexpected enough to make me chuckle – it’s not a vintage ad by any means, but it bears re-watching, and the ending redeems it somewhat. Next time, though, maybe hire Antonio Banderas for the voice acting? While some supermarkets (*cough* Sainsbury’s *cough*) are playing it safe with breadsticks, this is the first and possibly final Christmas missive to feature some genuinely delicious looking food. Riffing on the theme “Traffic Jamming”, Dawn French returns with her annoying Jiminy Cricket-esque fairy and is forced to suffer everyone’s worst nightmare: Christmas travel chaos. French is understandably frustrated by the whole experience, until some fairy dust opens up an idling M&S Food lorry and transforms it into a cosy front room filled with party treats. With some encouragement from her conscience-fairy, French invites the other stuck passengers in from the cold and everyone ham-fistedly announces the full name of each canapé. In fairness, they do all look and sound delicious. M&S Black Prawn Paella Bites? Yes please. Fish Chips and Peas in a Salt and Vinegar Batter, perfectly portioned out? Absolutely. Tom Kerridge can keep his paté, although I am sure that’s lovely too. My only gripe is the tired running joke that French is, well, a fattie who wants to hog all the (mince) pies. She’s one of our most gifted women comedians, an expert at physical comedy, but she’s also a very petite women. I hate all the ‘weight loss secret’ stories coming out, while the age of Ozempic sees every celebrity wither away before our very eyes. French, for her part, says she lost the weight through diet and exercise in order to have important surgery. Which is her prerogative. I just wish she wasn’t still being typecast. Anyway, enjoy your GLP-1 injections, suckers, all the more M&S canapés for me. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it it is a thrifty motto to have. After the tear-jerking success of getting Roald Dahl’s Big Friendly Giant involved last year, Sainsbury’s has returned to its 2024 format with a new — if bleaker — story. The BFG is now more integrated in human society/Sainsbury’s supply chain, happily delivering dreams athrough windows alongside a Sainsbury’s van bringing Christmas lunch supplies straight to the front door. But peril arrives in the form of a “rotsome” giant, a whopping 48 foot baddie to BFGs relatively petite 24 feet. He’s stomping through the streets stealing everyone’s food, and it’s fallen on the BFG and his new side-kick, Annie (another real Sainsbury’s employee cast from their stores) to track him and call in emergency redeliveries. Eventually the greedy giant wears himself out by snacking on an entire Sainsbury’s shop, and Annie calls in the cavalry. Sedated by his own food coma, the bloated baddie is strapped up like King Kong and flown away by helicopter while pleading for a pudding course. Make no mistake, this is a cost-of-living flavoured Christmas advert, with nary a roast dinner on show, instead choosing to foreground olives and canapes. The retailer still wants people to go big for Christmas — but on flavour or food prep ease, rather than spending beyond our dwindling means. No wonder the big guy was on a rampage, it’s enough to make anyone go out and minesweep unattended pigs in blankets. Despite my general emotional vulnerability at the moment (see: darkness falling by 4.30pm, the general state of the world etc) none of the Christmas adverts this far have activated the tear ducts. Well congratulations, John Lewis, for emotionally uncorking me and surely countless others. Sticking to its tried and tested method — excellent music cover over a story about gifting — the John Lewis Christmas advert has Labrinth covering Alison Limerick’s 90s dance track Where Love Lives, sound tracking a dad receiving a gift from his son. It’s Christmas wrapping clean-up o’clock at a stylish middle-class home (no cost-of-living themes here, a welcome break during this season of austere Crimbo ads) when a ruggedly handsome dad discovers a slim wrapped package addressed to him hiding under the tree. The post-it note label suggests it’s from his surly teenage son, who is busy avoiding eye contact and keeping trendy noise-cancelling headphones glued to his head. Down in his snug/man-cave, hot dad listens to his new vinyl of Limerick’s choon and is transported back to a 1990 club. Limerick then transforms into Labrinth as emotion swells. In a highly cinematic moment, the dad spots his son watching him in the crowd, before everyone else disappears entirely. As they walk towards each other, the son becomes a little boy again, before transforming into a baby in his father’s arms. Back in the real world, they hug it out. It’s a gorgeous moment that communicates — without words — the love and the gulf between parent and child, the tiny dependant that will grow up to be their own separate human being. And who might, one day, buy you a gift unprompted. Surprisingly, John Lewis has never centred a father and son duo as the central pairing in their Christmas advert. Last year was sisters, and while there have been plenty of family permutations this is the first time men and young men have had the spotlight. It’s a very timely choice, given the conversations that have been swirling in the zeitgeist about Adolescence, toxic masculinity, and the male loneliness crisis. Luckily for me, my dad is the sweetest man on earth. I always can’t wait to give him a cuddle, but after watching this advert I’ll be squeezing him extra tight. I think he’d prefer a jazz album, though.
