This Woman Wants To Know If She’s In The Wrong For Allowing Her Kids To Yell At Their “Boomer” Grandparents, And People Are Calling Out Her Husband Instead
“When my husband tried to explain to his mother that my father has limited time, his mother responded with, ‘We’re all dying!'”
Every December, many families face the same impossible equation: limited time, multiple households, and emotions that refuse to fit neatly into a shared calendar. Add a terminal illness to the mix, and what’s usually just an awkward “whose turn is it for Christmas?” conversation can erupt into a full-blown family crisis.
That’s exactly what happened to one family whose holiday planning session spiraled into a three-generation screaming match. In a viral r/AmITheAsshole post — titled “AITA for Allowing Adult Kids To Yell at Boomer Grandparents?” — one mother described how a single phone call about Christmas plans unraveled decades of tradition and left both of her adult daughters refusing to speak to their paternal grandparents.
According to u/Livesforweekend, her family has spent the past 25 years working around her husband’s side of the family for Christmas. But this year, with her father declining from dementia, her husband called his mother to say they’d be spending Christmas Day with her parents instead. Rather than show sympathy, his mother snapped about how their family is “always an inconvenience” — and when he mentioned his father-in-law’s limited time, shot back: “We’re all dying.”
Because the call was on speakerphone, the couple’s adult daughters (22 and 24) overheard. Both yelled at their grandmother, and tensions only escalated when their father told the eldest to “shut the F up.” Now, neither daughter wants to speak with their paternal grandparents — or to their dad. Meanwhile, u/Livesforweekend says she’s not speaking to her husband either, who insists the entire fallout is her fault.
Here’s the story in her own words:
“My kids’ maternal grandfather (my father) is declining rapidly with dementia. Christmas is right around the corner, and making plans has been a last-minute thing due to figuring out whether maternal grandparents would be able to host Christmas. In the previous 25 years, we have worked around the schedule of [my daughters’] paternal grandparents and [my] sister-in-law. This is the first year that we informed my mother-in-law that we would be going to my parents’ [house] on Christmas Day.
The previous years, my mother-in-law has dictated that we come over Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. My husband called my mother-in-law on speakerphone. She proceeded to yell on the phone that they always had to plan the holidays around us and that we are always an inconvenience.
My daughters overheard what my mother-in-law said and proceeded to get very upset. When my husband tried to explain to his mother that his father-in-law has limited time, his mother responded with, ‘We’re all dying!’
This caused an immediate reaction from both my daughters, [and] they yelled out hurtful things that my mother-in-law took offense to.
No, my in-laws did not have plans yet. In actuality, they have spent the last week moving into a new house.
Now, my oldest daughter wants to cut off the paternal grandparents. My husband thinks my children and I are overreacting by getting upset. My oldest daughter just wants her father to say, ‘Yes, what Grandma said was wrong, and your feelings are valid.’ But of course, he did not say that. Instead, he told her to shut the ‘F’ up.
This caused an even bigger fight within our immediate family. Now, my daughters and I aren’t speaking to my husband, and they do not want to spend Christmas with their paternal grandparents. And my husband says this is all my fault.
Yes, my husband triggered my adult daughter’s ADHD rage. If you don’t know what that is, look it up — it’s a real thing.”
In response to her post, more than 100 people weighed in on the family drama, and while the specifics of their advice varied, some pretty clear themes emerged. Most commenters weren’t buying the husband’s claim that his wife was somehow to blame for the holiday meltdown. Instead, they had some pointed observations about where the real problems lay.
Take 1: The Husband is the Real Problem Here — Perhaps most unsurprisingly, the vast majority of commenters were quick to call out the husband’s behavior throughout the entire ordeal. Many pointed out that he seemed to have conveniently forgotten his own role in escalating the situation, not to mention his failure to defend his family when it mattered most.
1. “It’s pretty damn hard to have compassion for a man who told his daughters — who had just listened to a rain of insults about themselves because they wanted to spend the holiday with their dying grandfather — to STFU. I don’t know a single decent person (and I’m 50, I know a LOT of people) who would speak to their kids that way, adult or not.”
—u/Sorry_I_Guess
2. “The husband is a mama’s boy. His mother has, according to the post, dictated every Christmas for years. Her lack of compassion toward her daughter-in-law’s father is plain to see. The daughters are over the age of 21 and, after hearing that, were justifiably angry and, probably, horrified by her behavior and their father’s lack of spine. No, I have very little ‘compassion’ for a man who has let his mother run his life — his married life — and refuses to set boundaries.”
3. “Your husband tells his daughter to ‘shut the fuck up,’ but how they talked to their grandmother is on you?”
—u/LogicalDifference529
4. “You’re not the asshole. The main asshole in this story is your husband, who should have had your (and your daughters’) back. The other asshole is your mother-in-law, but I get the feeling that this is just par for the course as far as she is concerned.”
—u/dublos
5. “So your husband, who has catered to his mother your entire marriage, is mad because you aren’t catering to his mother while your father is dying. As they say on r/justnoMIL, you have a husband problem. Your children are adults and get to make their own choices. I hope you continue to learn that there are people in the world who do, actually, have your back. Your kids, for starters.”
—u/freedomfromthepast
6. “You’re not the asshole. ‘Typical man.’ My man isn’t like that. You should tell yours to be a better person. This incident isn’t worth going no-contact over in a vacuum, but this sounds like it’s a pattern. Tell him he needs to make a decision to stand up to mommy dearest.”
—u/kharmatika
Editor’s Note: This references a “typical man” comment that was in the original post describing the husband’s response to his daughter, but has since been removed.
7. “Your dad has limited time left — of course you want to spend Christmas with him and that side of the family. Shame on your mother-in-law for making everything about her with no regard for the difficult situation on your side of the family. She sounds like somebody who is used to controlling everyone and getting her way. The reality is that you’ve spent past Christmases with her; your family should get a chance at that, too. Does your husband routinely side with his mom over you? If so, yikes, you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands. For him to tell his own daughter to ‘shut the F up’ is unacceptable behavior. Of course, he probably learned that kind of thing from his mom. As for what your daughters said to MIL, what exactly did they say? And how did MIL react?”
8. “Your husband is not going to be a good source of comfort and support when your father’s time comes. Make arrangements to ensure you are supported adequately so that it won’t come as a shocking surprise.”
—u/MissMcFrostynips
Take 2: Adult Kids Can Speak for Themselves — Others questioned the entire premise of the original post, pointing out that the daughters are grown women who can make their own decisions about family relationships. They argued that trying to “allow” or “not allow” adult children to express themselves misses the point entirely.
9. “Your daughters’ feelings are valid. You didn’t ruin Christmas; your husband and his mother have. So tell him that he and his mom can have the Christmas they deserve, all alone.”
—u/McflyThrowaway01
10. “Your husband is the one who put it on speakerphone so his children could hear his parents insulting them. It’d be weird if his daughters kept talking to grandparents who think they’re an inconvenience.”
11. “Your daughters are adults and don’t really have to come to Christmas at all. You’re not the asshole. You didn’t let them yell at their grandmother. This is between them and their paternal grandmother. I don’t see how this could be your fault in any way. I’d say, ‘These are our plans, and I wasn’t asking for any opinions. My dad is dying from dementia, and my mother would like a nice Christmas and needs our support.'”
—u/Solidago-02
Take 3: When Someone is Dying, Priorities Change — Many commenters brought their own experiences with loss to the discussion, emphasizing that when someone is facing a terminal illness, normal family politics should take a backseat. These responses were some of the more emotionally charged — and offered the most perspective on what really matters during difficult times.
12. “I lost my dad after a wreck. He got into the wreck on a Tuesday, and I lost him the following Tuesday. I didn’t know it was the last week I’d have with him. Three days in, my mom told me I was spending too much time there and needed to take care of myself. I thank god I went to see him every day. If you have the ability to be with a loved one you absolutely know is on limited time, you should make them a priority. Anyone trying to compete for that attention instead of being understanding can kick rocks. Your daughters shouldn’t have yelled, but they’re young; that comes with time. You should tell them that while their feelings were valid, there are better ways of going about disagreeing with someone. Sometimes, a lack of reaction or simple ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ goes a lot further than yelling and making a scene that the other person can come back to for victim points — especially if they rely on yelling to make their points to begin with.”
“If the grandparents are willing to apologize for saying such an awful thing, I think your daughters should also apologize. But the grandparent should also be told in no uncertain terms that what they said was unacceptable and will not be tolerated again. If this is a dealbreaker, then you move on.”
—u/throwitaway82721717
13. “I am so, so sorry about your dad. I just can’t imagine how hard it has been watching dementia take him. Of course, spend Christmas with him. I can’t believe this is even a discussion. When tempers cool, you and your husband need a very serious conversation. It’s not okay to drop the F bomb on your children, adult or not, who are also processing the heartache of their grandfather slipping away. He and your MIL owe all of you an apology. Go to your parents’ with your girls, and your husband can come if he loses the attitude and humbles himself to apologize. Maybe try to get him to imagine the shoe on the other foot — if you always went to your family, but his mom was dying. May you find peace in your heart during this holiday season. Hugs to you and your girls.”
14. “‘We’re all dying!’ Quite the existentialist, your mother-in-law is, as well as an asshole. You might discuss the meaninglessness of religious rituals with her as well. Your MIL and husband are used to getting their way and were mad when your daughters pushed back. While everyone needs to calm down and not use ugly words to communicate feelings, the feelings are valid. Your father needs extra attention, now and probably in the future. Change happens, and MIL needs to get used to it.”
—u/NoBigEEE
Take 4: Everyone Could Have Handled This Better — Not everyone was ready to pick sides completely. A smaller but thoughtful group of commenters acknowledged that while the grandmother’s comment was cruel and the husband’s response was wrong, the situation might have been handled differently by everyone involved.
15. “I’m going to start by saying you’re not the asshole, simply because how do you allow or not allow another adult to express themselves? It’s a weird dynamic, though, no? Your husband’s feelings are valid, too. While he didn’t express himself the best, his feelings about his family are just as valid. Understandably, everyone wants to spend the holiday with your side, as it seems there may not be too many opportunities left to celebrate the same way with the same people. However, imagine how entitled your husband must think your daughters are by demanding he cut his own mother out. This is overstepping. Whether you agree or not, now is the time to step up and be by your partner’s side.”
16. “You’re not the asshole. But I do think you missed an opportunity to model better de-escalation behavior. It was a phone call. Hang up and let the rage roller coaster run its course, and then get back to MIL with a more well-thought-out response. Revenge is a dish best served cold and all that.”
—u/overundermoneyline
17. “This is a sad but common situation. You aren’t responsible for your adult children’s behavior, although they do need to learn how to better handle this situation. Your husband’s parents — presuming they aren’t yet afflicted with dementia — sound like lots of fun at parties (that’s sarcasm). Their rude behavior probably explains your husband’s inappropriate comments and lack of support. There are multiple assholes here, in my opinion, but not you or your adult children.”
—u/Waste_Worker6122
So now that you’ve read through it all, what do you think? Was this just a case of adult kids standing up for themselves after a cruel comment, or did the yelling cross a line? Should the husband be taking more responsibility here, or is this one of those messy family blowups where everyone could have handled things better? What would you do in this situation? Let us know in the comments below.
Note: Story and responses have been edited for length/clarity.