It’s no secret that entering motherhood can bring about a lot of changes, both for the woman and the people around her.
However, one thing that’s not discussed enough is how motherhood affects friendships, especially when one person in the dynamic isn’t a parent themselves.
Now, in one Reddit thread (which you can see here), women who don’t have kids shared how their friendships evolved after their friends became moms, and there’s a range of perspectives that I think many will be able to relate to.
Below, fifteen different people shared their experiences on the matter:
1. “You want the blunt truth? I had three friends who had kids; each one did nothing but complain 24/7 about being a parent. They became such fucking downers. I stopped hanging out with them.”
“They did nothing but complain about being tired and not being able to do anything they wanted anymore, and so on. Meanwhile, my biggest worry was about what kind of toppings to get on my pizza, LOL.”
–MidnightFireHuntress
2. “My friendships with them faded. As someone who wants a child, I am grieving twice; once for the friendships I had, and again because I cannot join the Motherhood Club that every single one of them can be part of. It’s been so hard. I want to keep the relationships alive, but we can’t be there emotionally for each other at such pivotal life moments.”
“I feel like all through my 20s, I took for granted the bliss of having friends there, talking about seemingly trivial problems like why the guy they liked didn’t text back. In my 30s, I feel I’ve been completely blindsided – I didn’t expect such loneliness.”
–Honest-Ant2284
3. “I do more kid things now. It leads to funny conversations sometimes. At a friend’s kid’s birthday, to me: ‘So which one is yours?’ ‘OH, I don’t have kids, I’m just here for the magician.’
4. “In most cases, we drifted for a while, as their priorities changed – and rightly so. When you have a young child, that child needs to be your focus. The ones who have stayed friends made at least some effort to remember that I also still exist, and that they should do things like ask how I am and what I’m up to occasionally, and have a few conversations that aren’t totally baby-focused 100% of the time – we could meet in the middle to at least some degree.
5. “In my group of girlfriends, there are five of us. The last one is now pregnant, the other three have a baby, and I am the only one childfree by choice. Even before kids, all of us were so busy, so honestly, there hasn’t been much of a change in us seeing each other…but when we do, it’s a lottttt of baby talk.”
“However, they make an effort to ask how I’m doing and whatnot. It may always end up back to baby talk, but that’s kind of something I always expected would happen, and honestly, I’ve learned a lot from them! I love seeing their children grow and them being such great parents. I’m very lucky that my girlfriends continue to make an effort so we all can see each other, and I hope that we all continue to be close because I want nothing more than to go to their kids’ sports and cheer them on through their lives! Hopefully, as the babes get older, they’ll have more time to talk about things other than sleep/wake routines and poop and spit up, LOL.”
–coosday
6. “I truly enjoy kids, but most of my friends with children have drifted out of my life. I’m in my early 40s. I wanted to be the fun auntie (tee ball games are hilariously entertaining), but it hasn’t quite worked out that way.”
“Some completely lost their own identity. The ‘mom’ hat went on, and that was all they were. While I absolutely understand (and agree) that your kids should be your priority. A lot of these women now have older teens/young adults and are completely lost and angry in their relationship with themselves, their spouses, and others.
Some only wanted a babysitter, and that was literally the only time I could get a text back.
Some just felt I couldn’t relate to them anymore and focused more on their mom friend groups.
Two were straight-up judgmental about my own childfree life and the things I prioritized. They took me doing something like taking a solo vacation, joining a book club, getting a new hobby, or having time/money for a spa day as an attack.
Most were a combination of these.
I’ve tried to maintain some of these relationships, but after being on the fringe of someone’s life for 15 to 20 years, the constant cancelling of plans, constant one sided conversations, complete lack of availability (even for a text), the obvious lack of interest about anything going on in my life, the constant assumptions that I have all the time in the world, just the complete one-sided lack of effort in general — sadly, I’m not sure I’ll be close with them ever again.”
–Hot_Mention_9337
7. “I’m extremely supportive of my friend (I dog sat for days while she was in labor) and have gone out of my way to help her with anything and everything I can think of. But it’s like every time we get together, it’s a battle of who’s more tired, except she’s only fighting herself.”
8. “Honestly, the friends I started to pick up that had kids or a child…some were no longer fun to hang out with. It became ‘life’s issues’ all the time, or they just couldn’t relate to my singleness. I would try. I would continue to look at the bright side, but after every interaction, I would always leave with a weird feeling. It gets a little awkward, and I felt like a couple started to become envious of my freedom. (I hate to say it, it makes me cringe, but it’s true).”
“So now I believe that moms should have mom friends. It’s similar to dating a single parent when you’re childfree. There will be things you just don’t understand or can’t relate to.”
–Inside_Success4817
9. “A majority of my friends have kids, but it hasn’t come between us. Sure, in the years when they were little, we saw each other less. But the nice thing about being the childfree ‘aunt’ is that I’ve had the opportunity to spend time with them and their kids, and they’ve grown up knowing me. Now that a lot of the kids are older, I get more time with my friends!”
–fiercefinance
10. “It has really depended on my friends as individuals, but also their pathway to motherhood. I’ve found the ones who had an easy time conceiving, with a career they’re passionate about, and had interests and hobbies outside of the house, while definitely baby-centric in the first year, were able to begin to find a balance of baby-friendly activities and adult-only time. The friendship changed, but it was an easier adjustment.”
11. “They all act like they’ve leveled up or gained some rare esoteric knowledge from the universe that makes them better and smarter than me, while constantly complaining about their life and kids, and also assuming I’m not allowed to feel tired or like I have a struggle in my day because it’s ‘just me.'”
“I can’t have kids; I didn’t choose this. It’s simply the situation I’ve been given in this life. I love children and hope to one day adopt, but as far as my friends with kids are concerned, I’m just not as smart, developed, empathetic, or important as they are.”
–dorkus23373
12. “Some changes were very positive: the kids are cute and funny, especially when they got a little older and we could have conversations, play, and go places together. I get to hear my friends’ interesting perspectives, experiences, and thoughts on motherhood, and I feel very optimistic about the future because I feel like my generation tries really hard to be better parents!”
“Some changes were negative: I lost touch with some friends, and I had to detach myself from a few friendships because I was not prepared for the resentment and envy that would come my way.”
–phigwyn
13. “It was a hard transition for me because I’m not a kids person. So not only am I childfree, but I have zero interest in being anyone’s fun aunt. Plus, even before kids, most of the women I know were unhappy in their relationships. Now with kids, it’s either ranting about them or ranting about their husbands. I just can’t relate.”
14. “They became very entitled to my time. Everything had to be worked around their schedule. Everyone had to compromise for them because of their kid. I did my best to hang out with my friends with kids. I didn’t have any issues with their kids, but the expectation was that I do all the work to maintain the friendship because ‘they’re busy’ with their kids.”
–ThatsItImOverThis
15. “We’ve been doing the slow fade for five years now. Anytime we get together, it’s either at her house with her daughter, at one of her daughter’s extracurricular activities, or her daughter is with us while we grab a quick lunch. Her daughter is cute, but not someone I want to dine with when I’m trying to catch up with my friend. My friend really only talks about her daughter, and I get tired of it after a while.”