By Farrukh Dhondy

Copyright deccanchronicle

“Some verses are ‘about’ and some are just ‘for’ And some could be read as either/or No flattery intended, it’s all recollection Versified always in deepest affection. Poets needn’t ever apologise for their verse Versifiers, lesser beings, suffer the curse Of forever writing doggerel and being criticised For writing the truth — as though they had lied…” From Dil Deykey Dildo, by Bachchoo LONDON SE To: No. 1 Observatory Circle Wahington DC Dear Usha Vance: You may never see this, though it’s possible that the CIA monitors every mention of you in the international press. Even so, I feel inclined to write it on the off chance. I’ve never in my short and happy life ventured to address politicians who share my Indian origin… No open letters to Rishi Sunak, Priti Patel or Suella Braverman, who are all a disgrace to the Indian race. Their opinions were not going to be affected by anything I say — they are the other side of the pale. Reading about your origins, education and past political allegiances, I feel you may be worth addressing (Or exposing? Read on!). Now, though I am not, and never want to be, thought of as a conspiracy theorist, some notions have occurred to me. To put it briefly, JD, inspired by your learned self (Yale, law schools, Cambridge???) contrived a liberal plot to gain power when it became apparent that the MAGA maniacs would win, but their ageing, feeble, convicted criminal, several-times-bankrupt whore-monger, and possibly paedophile mate of Jeffrey Epstein would soon be on the slippery slope to dismissal, if not hell. Your husband JD was never a MAGA maniac. In fact, he is reputed to have opposed Donald Trump’s tendencies and has even called him an idiot and “America’s Hitler”. Then, my conspiracy theory goes, he switched allegiance to Trump in order to gain the vice-presidential position. That’s politics! It worked. Philosophers have always said that these instrumental decisions are taken by men when they are pushed by their dear women. True in this instance? So, now you are Second Lady of the US and since Donald Ducky is on the skids with nonsensical, senile pronouncements, disastrous failures on economic, diplomatic and political fronts and the looming Epstein revelations, you may soon be First Lady. Your JD will be President. I’d bet on it. Consequently, you’ll be the rational power behind that universal throne, and that’s my reason for writing this open letter. In your joint presidency with JD, you must make America Decent and Triumphant Again (MADATA — unfortunate rhyme with Mad Hatter, but so what?) In other words, pull back from every bit of anti-democratic, anti-constitutional, anti-global economic policy, anti-humanitarian and racist moves, initiated by the lawless orange booby. Yes, today’s Republican party, constructed through his gerrymandering, appointment of chamchas, dismissal of critics from positions of influence, may not like it. But then you and JD can go back to the other party you were once proudly part of — unlikely? OK. So, more feasibly, JD could sculpt a new progressive Republicanism devoid of MAGA mania and devoted to MADATA. You are certainly aware that as a highly qualified lawyer it is your duty to serve the processes of law and order and to respect the Constitution. Strumpet is not doing either, and your reign must reestablish both. I’m acutely aware that there are veins of commentary which say that JD would be a more disastrous President than the Tramp and some opinion says that’s because he changes his mind, having been anti- and now subserviently pro-Trumpery — and also having converted from atheism to Catholicism. This Catholic allegiance puts him against the MAGA lunatic evangelical majority in the Republican Party. One cheer! Second, the present Pope is an American socialist and, as a Catholic, JD may be influenced by him. Two cheers! And following the doctrines of Jesus Christ can’t be a bad thing … though… well OK: the Crusades, the Inquisition and increasing global warming by burning Joan of Arc and others at the stake… Etc? Two and a quarter cheers? And the whole point, the dear dumbos who predict that changing his mind makes him more like and worse than Trump, is that he’s done the political flip to get to be President and save America from the Make-America-Gaga drift. (Don’t worry, Usha, that’s not giving the game away as MAGA loons only believe their own conspiracy theories.) And lastly, as you probably guessed, I ventured to write this open letter as one exiled person of Indian origin to another. I have always believed that you can take a Hindu out of India, but you can’t take the decent Hinduism out of the person. And this, kind of, goes for non-Hindu Indians also. You recently took a family holiday in the Cotswolds. You should consider visiting the land of your ancestors — Andhra Pradesh, with its beautiful temples and resorts. And then Usha, there’s history. Apart from all the epithets I have used…