By Independent,Independent and Lauren MacDougall

Copyright independent

When Noel Fitzpatrick revealed he wanted children at 57, Helen Coffey’s furious response struck a chord – and Independent readers quickly weighed in on what it says about men, women and modern relationships.

Some readers dismissed Coffey’s anger, when she asked: will today’s men ever grow up? They argued that one man’s statement does not prove a wider rule.

They also questioned Fitzpatrick’s sincerity, wondering if his comments were impulsive or unlikely to translate into action.

Several highlighted the double standards in how older men and women are judged – noting that a woman in her fifties dating a younger man would likely be branded a “cougar.”

Many readers took a broader view, suggesting that delayed parenthood is not simply down to men’s “permanent adolescence” but linked to societal pressures such as financial insecurity and social isolation.

Here’s what you had to say:

Some appear to think that it’s just women that have reached the end of the fertility window by their mid-fifties or often much earlier – but it isn’t, it’s men as well.

But if this was a woman in her 50s publicly advertising that they’d like to meet their birthing partner who’s 20 years younger than her, she’d be labelled a ‘cougar’ or a ‘cradle snatcher’.

So then, why is it acceptable in the reverse? I just don’t find that fair at all.

That being said, if anyone were to ask me who my hero was, I would reply that it is Noel Fitzpatrick. He has saved thousands of animals from slaughter, he has transformed animal surgery, he heals wild animals free of charge and if I had money and an animal that I loved that needed the help that many other vets can’t provide, I’d travel the hundreds of miles necessary to reach Fitzpatrick’s and I would trustingly hand over my pet to him.

Yes, he most definitely deserves the love in life that children can bring, but if this doesn’t happen then I hope that he’s somewhat comforted in the knowledge that his animals have been his babies thus far and he should be immeasurably proud of the fact that he’s taken away the pain from thousands of animals in his care.

He’s literally a godsend to animals.

The arrested emotional development of men has long been remarked on – the state of ‘permanent adolescence’, according to Cyril Connolly. I’ve met several myself with a partner conscious of her advancing years. Pathos? At some point you have to make up your mind. In my experience having children is well worth any minor sacrifice of ‘freedom’.

The truth is we are seeing arrested development across the population: social isolation, mental health problems, Gen-Z having less sex than Millennials, Gen-X and Boomers. Younger Millennials and Gen-Z face a world where home ownership is an unattainable dream. People increasingly feel they can barely take care of themselves, let alone live out their dreams, realise their full potential and raise the next generation. Not to mention increasing fears/reservations about whether or not the world will even be livable for our children, should we choose to have them.

I get the frustration with the fact that women have a more strict biological clock, but we need to acknowledge the wider societal problems at play – problems which affect all of us, regardless of biological sex.

I think too much is being made of a possibly ‘off the cuff comment’. It may well be just something he said ‘one day’ impulsively, without thinking too much about it. Possibly he laments his past but will probably stay single throughout his life. I’m sure he knows what he’s like by now and probably can’t sustain relationships. Lots of people can’t/don’t want to. He’s allowed to love the idea of something and express that without actually doing anything about it. Give him a break.

Obvious, is it not? Many men (like many women) don’t want kids. I myself never felt the need to produce offspring – nor did my wife. We’re both now entering our fifties with zero regrets. I was always honest about this, even at the cost of one or two otherwise very pleasant relationships over time.

There are, however, many men who don’t want kids but who hide this behind “not sure” and “maybe one day”, as they believe the old myth that all women are desperate to have children, and thus in order to “get a woman”, they need to be dishonest about their lack of desire to parent.

I was myself told by several people “you’ll never meet anyone if you don’t want kids”. Which rather makes me wonder how many parents are out there with kids they never wanted because they were too pathetically afraid of “ending up alone”?

PadraigMahone

I’m getting a little tired of the more aggressive side of feminism. Yes, grown men can be children. Yes, they can struggle to give up their independence for commitment. But you know what? Perhaps those men are not worth your time. Perhaps you should be more selective in who you pursue a relationship with.

Nature doesn’t care about career priorities burning your finite window for procreation. If you haven’t prioritised that, and time is running out, unfortunately that’s tough.

The intrinsic injustice that women have to bear in modern society simply because they were assigned the womb isn’t something which can be easily fixed.

Technotrousers

Another in the steady diet of sweeping, condescending generalisations about men or boys. “Will today’s men ever grow up?” this headline asks, as if today’s men haven’t, and might never.

Yes, it’s an opinion piece and biological clock, fertility anxiety and selfish men are real issues. The author is entitled to her anger and opinion. But, maybe, just maybe, the undercurrent of negativity toward heterosexual men becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Men (young men in particular), under constant suspicion, not feeling safe and disengaging.

Some of the comments have been edited for this article for brevity and clarity.

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