By Pilar Hernán

Copyright hellomagazine

In today’s fast-paced digital age, group chats on messaging apps like WhatsApp and Signal have become a virtual meet-up space for families, friends, colleagues and classmates – even the Royal Family have one. It’s important to note, though, that not everyone participates in the same way. Some people love to message constantly, but others keep completely quiet… something that can lead to questions, misinterpretations and misunderstandings. Psychologist Beatriz Romero explains that there are multiple reasons behind keeping mum in the group chat, from a simple lack of interest to fear of judgment or emotional overload. She emphasises, “It’s not always about ‘ghosting’ [the chat], sometimes it’s just your way of setting boundaries for yourself.”

General health psychologist Luis Guillén Plaza delves into this idea, agreeing that staying silent can have many different meanings. “Sometimes silence acts as an emotional regulator in the face of ‘technostress’. WhatsApp groups and other group chats help create an emotional and communication overwhelm that ends up triggering exhaustion and anxiety for some. So, being silent can be a way to reduce that overstimulation and avoid the pressure of having to respond instantly.”

You may not read the messages at all, or you may rely on “lurking”. “A lurker reads the entire conversation and follows the thread without intervening. This type of chat group non-participation doesn’t imply disinterest or hostility; it’s usually a way of trying to consciously manage your own time, and is based on trying to avoid the pressure of immediacy,” he explains.

Is ghosting the group chat always a sign of disinterest?

One of the questions that often arises is whether silence in these spaces is always a sign of disinterest or if it can have other, deeper interpretations. “It doesn’t always imply disinterest, although in some cases the other members [of the chat] might think so. It can also be a reflection of respect – not wanting to flood the chat with messages – caution, social burnout, the need to observe before speaking, or even a way to maintain emotional distance in order to avoid situations that generate tension or stress,” comments Romero, who adds that not participating doesn’t equate to not valuing the group or not caring about the people in it.

She highlights the concept of the “spiral of silence,” explaining that people may stay quiet if they think their opinion is different from the rest of the group. This silence is often a form of self-preservation, meant to avoid friction. So, if someone is quiet, it doesn’t mean they’re apathetic; it means they’re being careful and are concerned about the group’s dynamic.

Introversion and social anxiety

Personality traits – if someone is an introvert, for example – can also play an important role. People who are more reserved usually prefer individual or deep conversations rather than quick, superficial group chats.

“If someone has social anxiety, keeping silent in the group chat might be linked to the fear of judgment: ‘What if I say something wrong?’ or ‘What if no one responds?’,” says Romero. “This kind of insecurity can lead to deleting messages before sending them or choosing to stay silent as a mode of self-protection.”

Social anxiety can lead people to avoid public group chats like those on WhatsApp and Signal because they’re afraid of being judged. Those who suffer from it tend to really dwell on what they want to say before writing – overthinking every word, imagining possible responses, fearing being misinterpreted – and that further increases the fear of speaking up.

“The message is in writing and is read by several people at once, which increases that feeling of exposure. Because of this, there might be less visible participation and more silent reading. When one does participate, it’s done sparingly and very carefully,” says Guillén Plaza. According to the psychologist, perfectionism – the thought that ‘If it’s not perfect, I won’t send it’ – and a lack of confidence in one’s ability to communicate can reinforce the tendency to stay silent.

On the other hand, introversion implies a lower need for socialising and a preference for one-on-one or more unhurried interactions. “In chats with a high volume of messages, introverted people tend to conserve their energy by reading [the messages] and selecting the specific topics they want to contribute to, and by avoiding impulsive responses. Their style is more observant and selective… It’s important to distinguish introversion from shyness or anxiety. An introverted person can feel comfortable in the group, but chooses to intervene less. Someone with anxiety wants to participate more, but the fear of judgment holds them back,” he says.

Telepressure and participation in group chats

In our world of relationships via messaging apps, some people feel pressured to actively participate in group chats. “A lot of people feel like they have to respond to keep from looking bad,” explains Beatriz Romero. “There’s an implicit digital social norm: ‘Being in a group = participating.’ Those who don’t participate might experience guilt or the feeling of not fitting in, even when their silence has nothing to do with the group itself.”

According to Guillén Plaza, this is due to “telepressure”: a series of factors that make people feel obligated to participate in social networks. Instant messaging introduces immediacy and hyperconnectivity to communication, and with that comes availability as a norm. “In group chats, it’s not just an internal demand (‘I should reply now’). The pressure is also external: direct mentions, tags, directed questions, and reminders make it visible who has replied and who hasn’t. Added to this are presence markers like double tick, ‘online,’ ‘typing…’ and ‘last seen’, which turn interaction into a space where a quick response seems obligatory,” he indicates.

Other factors then reinforce the pressure, such as the number and speed of messages (a fear of falling behind), reciprocity (if they read/comment on my message, I feel I should reciprocate) and reputational fear (not wanting to appear uninterested). “The result is that many people end up intervening in the chat purely out of compliance, not genuine motivation. And there’s a cost: more stress, less time to disconnect mentally and a more reactive than considered participation,” he notes.

‘Are they judging me?’

Mental health expert Romero also makes an interesting point: “Keeping quiet out of fear of being misinterpreted can generate anticipatory anxiety, self-criticism (‘They’ll surely think I’m weird’) or feelings of exclusion or not belonging. Sometimes this leads to overanalysing others’ messages or deleting what you write before sending it. You might even feel misunderstood, which just reinforces your tendency to remain silent.”

Humans are social creatures by nature, and we often feel it is very important to fit in and not be excluded by others. “In digital environments, the absence of a response or a lack of welcoming signals is easily experienced as digital ostracism. When someone is anticipating negative feedback or feels that their stance might clash with the majority, they tend to self-censor to avoid being judged,” says Guillén Plaza. In WhatsApp and other chat groups, this dynamic is intensified because the message is read by several people, which increases the feeling of public scrutiny; then the “spiral of silence” will begin.

“The result is a vicious circle: the more fear there is of not fitting in, the less one participates; the less one participates, the more alienated one feels from the group, and the more social red flags are raised. Anxiety, insecurity and frustration usually appear, but there’s also the loss of visibility and missed opportunities for [your opinions] to be taken into account. When someone consistently doesn’t speak up, it gradually erodes their confidence in communicating and reinforces their role as ‘the quiet one,’ even if they want to participate and feel like they belong,” he explains.

Setting boundaries with your silence

Everything can be looked at from another point of view – and that includes your silence, which can also be a way to establish healthy boundaries in a saturated digital world. “Silence can be a self-care tool to avoid exposure to hyperconnectivity, reduce the overload of notifications and take care of your emotional well-being. Not responding is, in many cases, a conscious and protective decision. And I would add that it must be respected,” says Romero. “Just like taking a break from physical noise is healthy, taking a break from ‘digital noise’ is, too.”

Guillén Plaza agrees, emphasising that intentional silence serves a purpose. “It helps you to regulate your emotions and reduce the stress, anxiety and pressure associated with non-stop messaging. It lessens your exposure to overstimulation, protects your attentional resources and facilitates psychological disconnection at the end of the day. It’s not disinterest; it’s a form of self-care and managing your boundaries within a context where immediacy and the expectation of permanent availability prevail.

“Limiting your reactions reduces the pressure of immediacy, favours disengagement and, in general, reduces techno overload so you’ll feel less fatigue and a more improved well-being. In this sense, speaking less doesn’t equate to isolating yourself; it allows you to belong to a group without becoming saturated and maintain a calmer, more stable presence over time,” acknowledges the specialist.

“As a practical rule, it can help to set yourself certain windows of time when you allow yourself to respond, and mute notifications outside of that period. Prioritise which groups and topics you’ll respond to – not everything requires a response – and, when appropriate, explain your ‘group chat style’ (‘I read messages, but don’t always reply immediately,’ for example) to prevent misunderstandings. This way, your silence will act as a healthy boundary and not a barrier.”

How we interpret silence in groups

The fact of the matter is that when someone doesn’t participate or reply in a group chat, others may have a tendency to interpret their silence as rejection or indifference. “Human beings look for meaning in the absence of a response. When someone doesn’t reply, the brain tends to fill the void with negative hypotheses: ‘They’re ignoring me’, ‘I don’t matter to them’. In the digital world, where facial gestures, tone and context are missing, these misinterpretations often get amplified,” says Romero.

There’s also a cultural and learning factor to take into consideration. “In many Western societies, silence is valued less than a fast response,” he says. If you then add in the immediacy norms of chats and the expectation of constant availability, it’s easy to conclude that no reply means someone doesn’t care. Of course, we know this isn’t always the case – silence can also mean someone has no time, too much of a workload or is simply trying to manage their social media usage. It’s best not to jump to negative conclusions and, if necessary, clarify with the person privately before interpreting their behaviour.

When we’re concerned about someone else’s silence

Occasionally, someone’s lack of participation in a group chat might be unlike them or outside of the norm. In that case, it could be a sign that they are having a difficult time or need help. “If you’re worried about someone who isn’t responding, I suggest approaching them privately, and with empathy: ‘I’ve noticed you’re not participating much in the group, are you okay?’ This approach will open the door to dialogue without any pressure or judgment, helping to figure out if it’s silence as a personal choice or a silence that could be hiding something else,” recommends Romero.

Managing your chat group participation without guilt

Need some expert tips on managing your participation in your group chats without feeling guilty? “To begin with, it’s useful to remember that it’s not always necessary to reply to every message,” says Romero. “Sometimes, simply using reaction emojis or sending a brief response can make you feel present without creating overload. It’s also healthy to set specific times or slots for replying, so your phone doesn’t become a constant source of demands. And most importantly, it’s worth remembering that the value of a relationship isn’t based on how many messages you send, but on the quality of your connection and how genuinely you communicate.”

The dos and don’ts that can help foster more empathetic and less intrusive communication include:

Don’t assume silence equals rejection.
Don’t demand immediate replies.
Do create an environment where not everyone has to give an opinion on everything.
Do validate the diversity of participation styles (some write, others read, others react).
Do send clear, brief and timely messages.

10 ways to master group chats when you don’t like them

Just because you’re a ‘lurker’ in your group chats doesn’t mean you can’t cope with them in a way that leaves you less stressed while maintaining your boundaries. Guillén Plaza recommends 10 easy tips to master your next WhatsApp conversation:

Define your response windows and silence notifications outside of them. Set two or three slots a day to check and reply, and mute the group the rest of the time. This reduces ‘telepressure’, protects your attention, and makes it easier to disengage when you’re not available. If something is truly urgent, the person who needs you will find an alternative channel.
Clarify expectations from the start. A brief message along the lines of, “I read everything, but I don’t always reply immediately. I usually respond in the afternoon”, avoids misunderstandings and lowers self-pressure. Setting clear boundaries is a form of self-care and also shows respect for the group.
Prioritise quality over quantity. Write a message only when you have something of value to add to the conversation: informing, deciding, summarising, etc. Avoid replying out of obligation; that just fuels exhaustion and adds noise. If the thread is long, summarise what has been decided and the next steps in one message.
Mind social cues when you do participate. Keep in mind that with texting, tone is missing. Add necessary context, politeness and, if appropriate, an emoji to make your intent or tone clearer. Avoid sarcasm and double meanings; if there’s a sensitive topic at hand, say something like: “I’m sharing this because I’m trying to help. I understand there may be grey areas.” This reduces the risk of misinterpretation.
Manage your environment. Mute or leave respectfully. If a chat overwhelms you, mute it; if it no longer makes sense for you, leave briefly explaining why (“I can’t keep up with this right now, so I’m leaving the chat.”) Healthy use of chats sometimes means limiting sources of overload.
Move complex topics to a private chat or another channel. When an issue requires nuance or could create tension, suggest continuing privately or with a quick call. This avoids endless message chains and reduces pressure for everyone.
Agree on basic rules in large groups. For example: sending hours, avoiding chain messages and mass forwards and using brief summaries when closing a topic.
Normalise different participation styles. Reading without writing – the “observer model” – is also participating. Remember this if you start to feel guilty. Your value doesn’t depend on the number of messages you send, but on the relevance of your contributions. You must establish your own boundaries.
Have a concise script ready in case you’re asked for more participation. Two lines are enough: “It works better for me to reply to all of my messages at the end of the day; that way I don’t get distracted. If anything is urgent, ping me privately.” Repeating a consistent message lessens social pressure.
Apply the “two exchanges” rule. If a topic isn’t resolved in two back-and-forths, switch channels to a quick audio message, a call, or a meeting. This avoids message escalation and saves the group energy.

About the experts:

Luis Guillén Plaza is a general health psychologist at Madrid’s Psicopartner Psychology Centre.
Beatriz Romero is a psychologist and the Director of Spain-based Consulta Despertares psychology clinics.