By Rosie Green

Copyright hellomagazine

“I’m sorry, you’re how old?” asked my now boyfriend on our third date. I’d just told him I was 46, and as a result he choked on his Padron peppers. He’s 40. The mutual friends who’d set us up hadn’t considered our ages relevant, and neither of us had thought to enquire how many birthdays the other had clocked up. We, up until that point, had both assumed we were roughly the same age. And I still think we are. Yes, there’s an age gap, but to me it is not a massively significant one.

When it comes to dating, especially online, age is a significant factor affecting your status, your desirability, and thus your chance of finding everlasting love. I often think my boyfriend and I might not have matched online. It’s highly possible he would have put his upper limit at 45.

Maybe not, though. Because my dating era taught me that lots of midlife guys actively choose older women because they think there’s a good chance they won’t want any more children. Well, that was my experience. But I’m sure, conversely, some middle-aged guys go for younger women because they do want more children. Which shows the good and bad of the apps. You’re able to make calculated decisions that stop time wasting, but in making those pragmatic choices, you might well miss out on the love of your life.

Age gap relationships

But back to age. There’s a dating app called DateMyAge, set up for a mature romance seeker, and it has released new research reporting “70 per cent of respondents say age becomes less important in a partner over time.” I think that’s 100 per cent true when it comes to age gaps. At 16, the age difference between me and my boyfriend would have made any connection highly illegal. At 20, the idea of dating someone six years older was still incomprehensible. I remember the 20-year-old boys at university going to a ‘grab a granny’ night where the women were a maximum of 27. Now in our 40s and 50s, the age difference between me and my boyfriend creates zero friction points. Expect perhaps his lack of appreciation for 90s indie music. But we do laugh about the fact that he was starting secondary school as I was finishing it.

Some see having a younger partner as a status symbol. I don’t fall into that camp, but I think for many men, a younger woman is indeed a status symbol. Proof that they remain desirable. Look at Leonardo DiCaprio who has dated a string of women half his age. Is he buying youth and innocence? Saying, ‘Look at what my wealth and status, get me?’ Or does he genuinely find he’s more compatible with women who could easily be his daughter?

While it’s great that my younger boyfriend is fit and energetic, I don’t pat myself on the back for scoring a toy boy. In fact, when I was online dating, I actively avoided much younger men and happily went on dates with people ten years older. I thought the young ones were just after sex, that we wouldn’t have any shared reference points and that they might judge my wrinkly bits. I was surprised at how many pursued me. I got deluged with requests from younger guys, some just 21 – I did briefly date an early 30-something, and it was a lot of fun, but there was no longevity in it.

I have plenty of friends for whom younger men appeal, though. Stacey Duguid, who has written a book about her marriage demise, signed up to dating app Toyboy Warehouse and had both positive and negative experiences. DateMyAge also reported that 91 per cent of respondents say, “Experience and maturity are attractive.” I agree with this, too. For me, it’s vital that a partner is self-aware, self-confident, capable and accomplished – someone who has experienced life’s hard knocks and navigated them. I’m also a sucker for a guy with salt and pepper hair who remembers Ice Magic and Baywatch (the original).