Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I broke up with “Josh” quickly because it felt like he was intentionally trying to make me feel jealous or insecure about his own ex, “Jessica.” (She came out as a lesbian when they broke up.) Jessica always kept her distance from him, treated me normally, and seemed in love with her own girlfriend. The way Josh pushed jealousy was so clumsy that it was more bizarre than anything else. The last straw was when he no-showed to pick me up for a date. I went out to the bar on my own. I ran into Jessica and her girlfriend, and they were at the bar the whole time I was. I got home 10 minutes before he arrived. He apologized by saying “I lost track of time because I ran into Jessica and we just have such a deep connection.” He went on to imply that he’d slept with her. It was weird … because I knew it didn’t happen. And that was just the start.
Maybe he was cheating with a different woman, but we’ll never know. I broke up with him, tested negative, and moved on. I mostly found it funny and imagined him as a D-list Love Island wannabe. But we live in the same small city and share a very social hobby, so I can’t avoid him. I’m now paranoid that he’s made me into the new Jessica with his new girlfriend. He acts overfamiliar and physical with me in front of her, but not if he sees me without her. More than one acquaintance has asked me if we got back together. Apparently, he’s been talking about me in a way he never did when we were actually together. I’m warm and pleasant to his new girlfriend and polite but distant if I see him. Is there anything I can do about this deeply weird situation, or do I just have to act willfully ignorant until it’s over? I can’t accuse him of anything without looking crazy.
—No Games
Dear No Games,
This calls for a two-pronged approach.
The first prong is trying, as much as possible, to accept that you just can’t control what people think or say about you. It might help to tell yourself, “What if Josh has told his new girlfriend that he and I are extremely close and have a deep connection and may have even slept together? How does that affect my life?” Probably not at all! Even if people you don’t know well believe you and Josh have reconnected … on a practical level, so what? If they aren’t close enough to you to know the truth, they probably aren’t very close at all and don’t matter.
But I know that’s tough to embrace. If we could all simply decide to stop caring about the thoughts other people had about us, several industries (beauty, fashion, fitness, social media) would collapse and we’d live in a very different world. It’s still worth working on caring less, but you can’t just flip a switch and turn the caring off.
The second prong is information management through telling the truth, maybe with a side of fake humor to make it less confrontational. So the next time you’re at a gathering and Josh brings his girlfriend over to watch him lean in close to talk to you or throw his arm around your shoulder, say in a voice loud enough for her to hear “Dude, give me a little personal space! It’s hot in here, and I can’t breathe with you all over me!” or “Okay enough with all the hugging!” after making a cringing expression over his shoulder for her benefit. You might even whisper to her “Is Josh okay? Maybe he had too much to drink? We don’t even talk normally so it’s kinda weird the way he’s hanging on me. Maybe he got me confused with someone else. You might want to get him some water or something.”
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are at odds over picking a godmother for our daughter. I want to choose a friend who is close to us, albeit of limited means. My husband, on the other hand, has someone in mind whom we are not all that close to, but is well-off and will likely give our daughter expensive presents and money. Who’s right?
—All Things Not Being Equal
Dear Not Equal,
Obviously, the person who is close to you is the better choice. A godmother is someone who may end up coming to all of your daughter’s birthday parties and school plays and prom send off. Ideally, she’ll develop her own close relationship with your daughter, and you’ll trust her to care for her. In the unlikely event that you and your husband both die, she might even be the person who raises her. You want to really, really like this person.
But that’s not the only reason you should prioritize closeness over wealth when you’re making your selection. It’s also that putting the well-off friend in this role sets you (or at least your husband) up to be mad and disappointed if she doesn’t deliver on the gifts you’re expecting. What if her financial situation changes? What if she decides her money should go to her own children or nieces and nephews? What if she takes issue with your daughter’s behavior or failure to send thank you notes and withholds gifts? “My child’s godmother is rich but she didn’t give the gifts we were expecting” is the kind of thing letters to advice columns are made of. A relationship whose foundation is greed more than genuine closeness is on shaky ground to begin with and is almost guaranteed to unravel. Tell your husband you can start saving a few dollars a week for the diamond cross necklace (or whatever it is he wants your daughter to have) so you can buy it yourselves—and give your kid the gift of a godmother you all really like.
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Dear Prudence,
I filed for divorce six months ago after a year-long in-home separation with my soon-to-be-ex-husband. Our marriage had been loveless for some time and after a few major issues, I made it clear there was no going back. Since I’ve filed, I’ve moved back to my hometown to be closer to my parents with my two children, and we’re navigating our new normal. I never planned to marry again, let alone date, but the universe likes to laugh at our plans. On a flight home a month after I had officially filed, I sat next to “Caleb,” a divorced father of two who, as it turns out, lives about an hour from me. We hit it off like you wouldn’t believe, despite me being honest with him about my messy situation. He made it clear he was interested despite all that, and it’s been wonderful ever since. He checks every box, even those I didn’t know I had and meets needs I had long buried with my ex. I can’t remember the last time I was this happy. We’re waiting another few months before we meet one another’s children, but I have zero doubt that I’ll spend the rest of my life with this man.
My issue stems from the small-town life. It’s gossipy and people have nothing better to do than talk about their neighbors. Caleb and I are keeping our new relationship on the down low (our families know), but that’s it. But as we spend more time together, we’re bound to run into someone I went to high school with who doesn’t know how to keep their mouth shut. I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but I’m trying to figure out a drama-free way to navigate this. Most people only know the surface truth, about me filing for divorce and moving home six months ago. It all looks “too fast” from the outside, but I was alone for a long time before that. How do I keep my new relationship out of other people’s mouths?
—Hometown Love
Dear Hometown Love,
If your children are old enough that they could be the recipients of some of this gossip, you should keep the relationship even lower on the down low than it already is. As in, stop going out to places where you might run into people you know. Sneak to each other’s homes until you’re ready to be open about the fact that you’re dating. Then give your kids a heads up that you’ve been going out with someone and if it becomes serious enough, you’ll see if they want to meet them. You don’t want them to hear about Caleb from someone else.
If this isn’t about your kids and is just a concern about people knowing your business or talking about you behind your back, I’d suggest a different approach. It starts with thinking about whether there’s anything behind the shame you’re feeling about the “too fast” nature of this relationship. If there is a part of you that is saying “I really needed more time,” or “I don’t know how to be single,” or “My children are struggling with the divorce and I really need to give them all my time right now,” listen to yourself. You can put the brakes on things with Caleb and take the time you need to feel good and confident about dating him. If he’s really the one, he’s not going to disappear! Wait until you feel sure, and then be open about it.
But if you don’t have any of your own concerns about the relationship, and you’re just worried about the perceived “drama”—perhaps centered on the fact that your divorce isn’t final yet—try to put things in perspective. The finalization of the divorce is really just a matter of paperwork. You and your ex know your relationship is over. You separated for a year before filing. There’s no dishonesty here, and no reason to wait for someone down at the courthouse to process something before moving on with your life. Plus, I feel sure that anyone who hears your story knows someone else who they like and respect who has been in the same situation. This isn’t a scandal.
With that in mind, if you are transparent and confident about your choice to date and feel proud of it, instead of being ashamed, you might shape how others react. So if you and Caleb are out and you run into a high school classmate, instead of mumbling an explanation of your divorce and an introduction to your “friend,” sending the message that you’re doing something wrong and gossip-worthy, you should own the story. Say “It’s so great to see you! This is my boyfriend, Caleb. It’s been so long and so much has happened in my life. Dan and I split up, I moved home, and believe it or not, on the flight here the two of us met and fell in love. Aren’t life’s ups and downs incredible? It was such a tough couple of years before this and I feel so lucky and grateful for this fresh start. I want to hear more about what’s going on with you, too!”
Might she go back and report the news to others in town? Sure. But at least you’ll have had your chance to put your spin on it. And think of it this way: If you’re happy and you also provide some fodder for a boring small town group chat, everyone wins.
Classic Prudie
My aunt (father’s sister) and I have had a fairly acrimonious relationship since I was in my teens, mostly because of her dislike of my mother. Fast forward to Christmas of this year, when I texted my aunt and her husband to thank them for some cookies they sent me. We started talking again, exchanging memes and discussing our shared love of photography, in what I had hoped was a fresh start. Talk turned to politics eventually, because we both believed our politics aligned somewhat—me more as a leftist, and her a liberal. However, when I mentioned that I was happy to see white people experience consequences when they used slurs such as the N-word, she said it was a “choice” to be offended by slurs like that, and how people needed to get over it.