Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
I want a divorce, but I am broke! Pretty much literally. I just have a bunch of credit card debt that my entire paycheck goes to, and a small savings that we’re currently depleting for marriage counseling. I would gladly just give all that cash to my partner for first and last on a separate apartment. We don’t share any of our debt, except for the condo and a car, and we don’t have kids, so I feel like mediation would be a more affordable way to go than counseling.
The condo is not in a position to sell right now. I could afford to take on the monthly mortgage and HOA fee, if I got rid of the car payment, and I’d be happy to do that, but I don’t think the bank would let me refinance just under my name, and I have no way to buy my partner out. What can I do in the next few months to prepare and help me get out? Is the only way through taking a hit on selling our condo?
–I’m Done Here
Dear Done,
I’m sorry you’re in such a tough spot. If you think marriage counseling isn’t working and are sure you want a divorce, then there’s no point in continuing to pay for counseling. I think you’re going to have to make that clear to your partner and have a talk about how to exit the marriage in a way that protects your mental health and leaves both of you on stable footing financially. This will mean some compromise, and given the state of the marriage, you may not be able to work through these things on your own. So, I would recommend a mediator anyway, because a third party can help lower the temperature when things get heated, and offer an objective perspective on what’s fair.
If you can’t come to terms on an agreement, the court will decide for you. The condo will be treated as joint marital property, and the court may order the person who remains the occupant of the condo to pay their former spouse a distribution that reflects the value of ownership. I’m not quite sure what you mean when you say the condo is “not in a position” to sell right now, but unless one of you can buy the other out, or compensate them in some other way for the equity, it may be your only option.
—Elizabeth Spiers
From: My Mother’s Husband Squandered His Retirement Money. Guess Who’s Expected To Fix It? (December 9th, 2021).
Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m a dude, age 31. He’s 28. We’ve been together three years, cohabitating for two. I recently asked for his ring size.
His finances: minimal assets, $100K–$150K student debt (federal, now in income-based repayment). Rough upbringing. Previously, income struggles. Lately, $70K-a-year salary, with growth potential. His mom (of whom I’m skeptical) might expect him to care for her one day.
Me: grad student, previously high-income, maybe will be again. Living off savings. I haven’t told him how much, just that it’s enough to cover my bills until I work again.
He’s said he’s OK with a prenup specifying that his debts stay with him and any savings that I have left after paying for school stay with me. But he doesn’t know that I have more than $1 million in my brokerage accounts.
Should I, and when do I, and how do I, bring this up? There are reasons I’ve stayed quiet about it. I don’t want to be a sole provider, finance our first house alone (that’d take assets that would otherwise remain with me in the event of divorce), or expand our modest lifestyle. I don’t want my money to change things between us.
—When Do We Talk About This?
Dear When Do We Talk About This,
You have to talk about this now if you plan to get married—not because it will change things between you, but because a failure to disclose something that could meaningfully shape the direction of your lives will erode trust between you.
I would not assume your boyfriend would expect you to be a sole provider, or otherwise expect your roles to change, if he had this information. Between the two of you, he’s the one with the job, so it seems a little presumptuous to take it for granted that if he knew about your money, he’d want you to financially support him. He may in fact find that idea insulting, especially if he put himself through school after what you characterize as a “rough upbringing.”
But regardless, you need to talk about these things before you pop the question, because this is also about what you want for your respective futures and your potential future together. And you need to consider the possibility that at some point, the shoe might be on the other foot. Just because you’re in a better financial position now doesn’t mean that will always be the case. It’s not uncommon for incomes to shift in marriages where both parties work. You would want him to be transparent in that situation, so you should be transparent with him now.
—E.S.
From: Do I Need To Tell My Fiancé About This Million Dollars I Have Hidden? (December 16th, 2021).
More Money Advice From Slate
My fiancé and I (both early 30s) have lived together for several years. He is smart, funny, and a generally gregarious guy. He is in an industry where he has been making over six figures for at least six years. I, on the other hand, finally finished a doctoral program and worked a few side jobs to barely make 34K each year. Rent is high in NYC and I’ve gone into a fair bit of debt living with him and keeping up with his lifestyle. I moved to his state so he could be closer to work even though I had to commute over three hours a day for years. Now that I have a job that pays much more (but still a third of what he makes). Here is the issue: He insists we split rent evenly.