Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My 65-year-old mom is a mentally competent adult, but she’s also ruining her life and our relationship. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do.
My brother has always been in and out of work. He’s smart but can’t really stick to anything or he charms them at first and then doesn’t really follow through. He’s a fun guy, but not reliable. I deal with this by never loaning him money or letting him be close or part of anything critical in my life. I don’t even assume he’ll show up to Christmas when he says he will. And my mom has been paying all his bills on and off, mostly on, for years. But since his divorce it’s been much worse and she’s realizing she won’t be able to retire, and she’s starting to have physical health issues.
She’s asked me for financial help. If it were a real emergency, we could tighten our budget to help her with groceries and gas, but we have student loans and two kids in daycare so it’s not like we have spare cash. I know that money would just funnel back to him, which I’m upset about, but my husband is even angrier. He wants to set a hard line about this for our budget. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want her to suffer, but I don’t have money to just throw away. If she were willing to stop supporting my brother, she would be financially OK, but she refuses. I’ve talked to her about it multiple times over the years and gotten nowhere. I’ve tried to talk to him, but he is even less receptive. What can I do here?
—Not His Piggybank
Dear Piggybank,
If you’ve tried talking to both your mom and brother about the situation, your husband has a point. It’s time to draw a serious line, because the bottom line is that your mom is financially enabling your brother, and you and your family are dealing with the consequences.
Of course you care about both of them, and you don’t want to leave them out to dry.
At the same time, you have to protect your immediate family, too, and it sounds like you’re already stretched thin with student loans and childcare costs. Money issues can seriously undermine healthy family and relationship dynamics—it sounds like that might already be happening based on your husband’s reaction to all of this.
You can offer your mom limited help, like paying for her groceries or electric bill, but I would make it a point to pay for these directly. Don’t just give her cash you know will go straight to your brother—draw a line. There are non-financial ways you can support her, too. Maybe help her find ways to reduce her bills. Or talk through her budget. Maybe you could help her set her own boundaries with your brother.
Ultimately, though, you’ll have to accept that this situation isn’t going to change. Your job is to protect your peace and your household, even if that means saying no to your mom. It’s not an easy thing to do, but at this point, it’s about keeping your own family stable.
Dear Pay Dirt,
I am a 53-year-old woman. For the last 15 years, I worked as a case manager in social services. Two years ago I began to have health issues—high blood pressure and an irregular heartbeat—which my doctor attributed to stress.
So I made a change and took a position with a great company, but for considerably less pay. My plan is to stay a year or two, get my health under control, and then move into something hopefully better paying.
But I worry all the time that I’m falling behind and will never catch up. Often I can’t sleep because of it.
I have also supported my 90-year-old mother as her caregiver, and often some of my money goes to her care. At present I have $145,000 in assets and investments. I have minimal debt—about $3,000. (I had student loans from uni and medical bills in my 30s that combined totalled $90,000, and I recently finished paying it off.) I do not own a house. God willing, I will work for the next 12 years, and can continue to save for retirement. My situation feels hopeless, but is it really?
—Would Like to Retire Someday
Dear Retire,
Let’s start with what you’ve accomplished. You paid off $90,000 in combined student loans and medical debt while caring for your 90-year-old mother. That’s amazing! It takes a kind of financial discipline that doesn’t come easy for many of us. You also recognized that stress was making you sick and made the tough decision to prioritize your health over immediate income. If you’re planning to keep working for the next decade, that’s strategic long-term thinking.
You’re also in better shape than many Americans your age. The median retirement savings for people around your age is about $115,000, so you’re a bit ahead of the curve. And in the future, you’ll very likely be able to increase your savings rate.
In the meantime, your plan to stay healthy and then seek better-paying work is a sound one. A year or two of lower income won’t derail your retirement if it sets you up for higher earnings later. Plus, those 12 remaining work years give you real runway— even modest retirement contributions can grow significantly with compound interest.
Instead of losing hope over what you haven’t saved, it might help to focus on what you can control going forward: maximizing any employer matches, considering catch-up contributions down the road, and maybe exploring side income that doesn’t stress you out. You’ve already proven you can handle financial challenges, so no, I don’t think your situation is hopeless at all.
—Kristin
More Money Advice From Slate
A little less than a year ago, I received a pretty large amount of money (about $50,000). That is more than I make in one year. Now, it’s almost completely gone, and I’m not even sure where it went. I used a big chunk of it to pay off my car note and some credit card debt, and I also moved and did some traveling. But I know I’ve been living above my means. I keep using it to cover rent and monthly expenses (as well as expensive purchases) but it’s almost out. I’m extremely embarrassed that I managed to spend this much money in such a short amount of time, but I don’t know where to go from here. Everyone said I had to be careful with this money because it’s easy to spend it all on dumb stuff. And then I did spend it all.