By Dr Leslie O’Looney

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Many retired Irish politicians must have looked on in envy as the head of US ‘Homeland Security’, Tom Homan, went old school by accepting a bribe of $50,000 in a (brown?) envelope. This was done in exchange for securing federal contracts for some of his business contacts. He was caught doing it on video in an FBI sting, but no worries, the US Department of Justice (LOL) will not be pursuing the matter, according to Department head, Pam Bondi.

Homan is a pretty disgusting individual to begin with – sending his masked agents to arrest anyone with brown skin or speaking Spanish at various workplaces across America. And recently, the US Supreme Court has certified that this racial profiling for the purposes of arresting brown people is not illegal, but, of course, race cannot be taken into account when applying to university anymore, according to the same court.

I believe the technical term here is cognitive dissonance. But it could be supplication. Hard to know these days.

None of this would really matter to the average Irish doctor (at least not yet – the point of fascism is that eventually, everybody must submit) except for the fact that by now you may be aware that Donald Trump – the genius businessman from New York – has discovered the cause of Autism.

Well, that’s one in the eye for all those doctors, scientists, researchers and neurologists who have been working all these decades investigating the disease. It just goes to show how stupid they are, and how brilliant Mr Trump is. He is aided by the really smart RFK Jr., and we must never downplay his role in this great medical breakthrough. He said he’d find a cure by September, and he has. Makes you wonder what all those ‘doctors’ have been doing for years.

Charlie Kirk may have been involved too. He saw the dangers of how the contraceptive pill messes with women’s brains, turning them into feminists. and making them want to wear jeans instead of soft cotton dresses. This is the outstanding American science that is helping us to create a world where women know their place – which apparently now is in the home having babies, and cleaning up after the men.

As a doctor, you have to ask yourself why you didn’t come up with this yourself. Consider how busy Mr Trump is in his President/golf job. There’s not much time to be fiddling around with test tubes and reading textbooks late into the night, and yet, he came up with the answer to Autism, before you did. Time for the profession to do some deep self-reflection, I think.

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September 21 rolled around again, and while most of us are still trying to remember where we left the car keys, the rest of the world is busy remembering people who sometimes can’t. It’s World Alzheimer’s Day, part of Alzheimer’s Awareness Month, with this year’s cheery theme: ‘Ask About Dementia, Ask About Alzheimer’s.’ Which, frankly, is a much better slogan than ‘Ignore It and Hope for the Best’.

Doctors tell us that if we keep the old noggin busy—doing crosswords, gossiping with neighbours, or just pretending to understand TikTok—we might lower our chances of dementia. Exercise, fruit, and ditching cigarettes apparently help too but, aside from the cigarettes, if you can get yourself elected President of the United States, you can limit your diet to cheeseburgers and life will continue as before. In that case, people will actively ignore your dementia. Not an option open to most.

Ireland’s been on the ball here since 2018 with the “Dementia: Understand Together” campaign. Over 1,600 champions and 60 partner groups have been rolling out initiatives to make life a little kinder and less lonely. Minister Kieran O’Donnell piped up to remind us the government’s forked out €19 million for dementia services—diagnostics, day care, advisers, even activity clubs for folks with early onset dementia.

Dementia is, of course where the patient forgets things rather than simply ignoring them.

Question: What do you call it when Russia cyberattacks our airport (last week) or our health system?

Answer: Sex in Ireland in the Sixties. (Nobody talks about it, making its whole existence questionable)

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If you thought elephants were the only big deal at Dublin Zoo, think again. As of September 25, the place has gone all high-tech and heart-warming by rolling out Irish Sign Language (ISL) videos. Yes, now you can scan a QR code near the giraffes or penguins and—presto—watch a keeper talk in sign language on your phone. It’s like Pokémon Go, but instead of catching Pikachu, you’re catching facts about meerkats.

The launch landed right in the middle of ISL Awareness Week, because timing is everything. Members of Chime’s Dublin Deaf Group got to kick things off in style—literally waking up the elephants with the keepers. Elephant Team Leader Christina Murphy gave a talk while an interpreter signed away, making sure everyone could join the conversation.

Zoo boss Dr Christoph Schwitzer, along with Chime’s advocacy director Danielle McLaughlin, stood proudly beside the pachyderms, proving you don’t have to wear a suit and tie to change lives—you just need good ideas and, apparently, a forest trail full of elephants.

Question: What do you get when you cross and elephant with a fish?

Answer: Swimming trunks

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This Thursday, September 25, Ireland is officially encouraging us to say nice things to each other. It’s National Compliment Day, which is basically Valentine’s Day without the overpriced roses and with less chance of awkward rejection. The mental health charity Jigsaw has teamed up with Starbucks to spread cheer while raising funds for young people’s mental health. Buy a coffee, sling a compliment, donate a few quid—everybody wins.

The science is clear: when you say something kind, your brain lights up like a slot machine hitting three cherries. Compliments help the giver, the receiver, and even the bystander who overhears it (unless the compliment is about their haircut, in which case they’ll sulk). Jigsaw reminds us, though, that while words are powerful, sometimes what people really need is support from professionals—which donations help provide.

So here’s the deal: drop into any Starbucks this weekend, toss in a euro or two, and while you’re at it, tell the barista they look like they belong on the cover of Coffee Enthusiast Monthly. You’ll feel better, they’ll feel better, and somewhere a young person will get the help they desperately need. Now that’s a latte kindness.

Starbucks paid only £8.6 million in corporation tax in the UK over 14 years, despite generating over £3 billion in sales. And two brothers involved in the Irish franchises have been banned from operating as company directors for five years.

It wouldn’t be fair not to compliment the company on its tax avoidance which it has done so spectacularly well on this special occasion.