By Jessica Stoya

Copyright slate

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I am currently in a strange situation. I am a 40-year-old male, and my partner is a 37-year-old female.

She wants to see me have sex with another woman while she watches. I kind of want to try it, but I am afraid that she will ask for something else in return, e.g., sex with another man while I watch. She hasn’t said this, but a few years ago, she let me go down on her friend, and for us to be equal, she went down on my friend, who’s a man. She gets turned on by this voyeurism fetish. But I don’t get turned on when it’s her turn. How do I approach this topic without sounding selfish about it, and should I seek professional help if I am being too selfish about our sexual needs?

—Cuquean Not for Me

Dear Cuquean Not for Me,

Based on the facts you’ve presented here, I don’t think you’re being selfish. You’re considering catering to her voyeurism kink in a way that is also arousing for you, but concerned about the fine print, as it were, leading to pressure to participate in a situation that doesn’t appeal to you.

I am, however, concerned that you’re questioning whether you should seek professional help. Where’s that coming from? Is your girlfriend suggesting that you need therapy to get over your boundaries?

I would address this directly. Let your girlfriend know that you’re open to having sex with another woman for her viewing pleasure, but that you’re worried it’ll result in her wanting to reverse the roles later—something you’re not up for doing. Pay attention to how she responds. Is she taking your concerns seriously? If so, great. If not, you’re going to need to have deeper conversations about your relationship and what you expect from each other.

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