By Helen Coffey

Copyright independent

It’s not often that reading the weekend newspaper supplements sends me into a rage spiral. After all, cosy lifestyle features on interiors trends and autumn stews aren’t really designed to spike one’s cortisol levels. But an interview with Irish veterinary surgeon Noel Fitzpatrick managed to puncture the zen-like aura created by gentle articles on sauna hats and skin microbiome maintenance – much like the lurching head of a hydra disturbing the surface of a placid lake.

Better known as “The Supervet”, the eponymous Channel 4 TV series in which he has starred since 2014, Fitzpatrick said the following in an interview with The Times: “I’m 57, and I would love to meet somebody between 30 and 40 and have a kid. Or a couple of kids… I was never properly, emotionally ready, until recently.”

I could feel the anger pulsating at my temples as I read that sentence, then read it again. The words “emotionally ready” leapt out like knives, alongside the number “57”. Here it was, in black and white – the irrefutable proof that modern dating and relationships are broken beyond repair.

Though livid, I can’t say I was all that surprised by the sentiment. It’s emblematic of what my female peers and I have been experiencing on the ground for years. The grim reality is this: men’s Peter Pan tendencies, well-documented and admittedly nothing new, seem to be extending later and later. First came the putting off of responsibilities that often accompany growing up, such as marriage and parenthood, from twenties to thirties. Then, from thirties to forties. Now, it seems to have shunted up a whole generation. I’m just waiting for the day a man says he’ll finally have the “headspace” to start a family when his pension kicks in.

While you might assume a mid-forties man who wanted to be a father would be keen to get the ball rolling once they met someone they liked, this rarely seems the case for the single women of my acquaintance. Notable instead has been a steady rise in the number of men entering middle age on dating apps attesting that they want children “some day” but not yet, or that they’re “still thinking” about it. These men do not want to be rushed under any circumstances. And they have (or so they presume) the luxury of infinite time in which to take the plunge and step into that next, big, daunting life phase.

Meanwhile, women are very clearly hamstrung by a finite and boundaried fertility window. Even with the advances in medical technology and treatments, there is an inherent biological ceiling that cannot realistically be broken. We simply can’t shop around forever, or keep deferring the decision until some magical moment when we’re “emotionally ready” (likely at around the same time we start collecting our free bus pass, if men are anything to go by). We must be proactive, practical and intentional – if we want to have children, we have to make that choice within a set timeframe and take steps to turn it into a reality.

As a woman in Fitzpatrick’s target demographic – between 30 and 40 and drawn towards having a family – I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of despair. Is this what it’s come to? Is the only hope to pursue a relationship with a man old enough to be my father in the hope that he might actually be ready to be a father? And how equal a parenting partner could a person two decades my senior really be when it comes to running around after a toddler?

Look, I’m not judging Fitzpatrick specifically. Each person and their situation is unique; the Supervet star has been open about having been abused as a child, and perhaps it’s only now, after all the intervening years of therapy and healing from that trauma, that he is confident about stepping up to the role of dad. But it feels indicative of why heterosexual relationships, in 2025, have the flavour of being doomed. Men and women are working to completely different timelines; it’s no coincidence that the latter are opting to embark upon IVF as solo parents more than ever before. They’ve simply run out of time to wait.

The sad truth is that men might not have as much time as they think, either. No, they don’t have the hard, built-in deadline of the menopause to contend with, but men’s fertility is significantly impacted by age. Half of fertility problems within heterosexual couples originate from the man. One 2020 study found that conception is 30 per cent less likely for men over 40 than it is for men under 30.

“Past the age of about 40, the quality of sperm starts to decline,” as Dr Michael Carroll, a reader in reproductive science at Manchester Metropolitan University and author of Clinical Reproductive Science, previously told The Independent for a feature on the male biological clock. “Motility, the capacity to swim really well, declines; morphology, what they look like in terms of shape, becomes not great; and the number of sperm produced declines as well.”

As men get older, the likelihood that any baby conceived will have neuropsychiatric disorders or neurodevelopmental disorders, including autism, also goes up. Throw in the fact that various studies have suggested that sperm may be declining, both in terms of quality and quantity, on a global scale, and perhaps it’s time we stopped giving credence to the idea that men who want to be fathers can postpone procreating indefinitely.

Sure, there’s wisdom in waiting until you feel you can provide the emotional and financial security requisite to be a good parent. But there’s also something to be said for the call to action given by that most unlikely of philosophers, Lemony Snicket: “If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.”