By Adam Maidment
Copyright manchestereveningnews
A Manchester-based entrepreneur has spoken out about how she has learnt to embrace her bisexuality in midlife as a widow and how she often still has to explain what it means to people. Nicky Wake, 53, says her ‘sexuality didn’t disappear when I put on a wedding ring’, despite some people feeling incapable of being able to accept she was still bisexual. She said she has to constantly fight misconceptions over the years because of it. Nicky, who worked as a dancer at the Hacienda in the 80s and 90s, says there were times when she felt her bisexuality was being erased because she was in a relationship with a man. She was married to her partner Andy for 18 years until his death five years ago. “I first realised I was into women in my early teens when I vividly remember looking at an advert of a really attractive woman in Just Seventeen magazine,” Nicky tells the Manchester Evening News. Stay connected with our City Life newsletter here “But, I went through the usual teenage stuff of dating boys and just put it to the back of my mind. When I was about 18, I was dating this guy who identified as bisexual and it made me realise that I had always thought a bit like that – it allowed me to explore my sexuality, really. “I soon fell in love with a woman who ended up breaking my heart. It was a summer of custard tarts and broken hearts, and then she left me to go back to Portugal after a year and a half.” Because of this relationship, Nicky said she still hadn’t fully embraced her sexuality and thought she might be a lesbian. But going for a night out at the legendary Flesh club night at the Haçienda opened her eyes further. Then working there as a naked podium dance certainly firmed things up for her. “I used to be the whore on the door who’d make straight girls kiss to get in, and things like that,” she laughs. “It was very much a different time back then, but it was a very accepting space. I also spent time working as a promotions manager for Paradise Factory, so I was very much entrenched in the whole scene.” Having then moved into a ‘proper’ job away from naked podium dancing, Nicky joined an online dating site where she eventually began talking to and meeting Andy Wake. “He went on to be the soulmate and love of my life,” she said. “I fell head over heels in love with him and fast forward to 12 months later and we’re on a beach in Jamaica getting married. It was perfect. We had an incredible relationship and had a little boy, Finn, together, who is now 17.” But, in 2017, Andy returned from a business trip and began complaining of chest pains. He suffered a series of heart attacks, which saw him losing consciousness and suffering a catastrophic brain injury. Sign up to the LGBTQ+ Bulletin newsletter here He was moved into a nursing home where he lived for three years, Andy passed away in 2020 – at the age of 57 – during the pandemic. It made Nicky question everything about her life but for almost a year, and she says she felt that moving on and dating other people would always be a betrayal to Andy. Spurred on by her own experiences in the dating world, Nicky launched the Chapter2 Dating community and dating app, which is built for widows and widowers. Inclusive of all ages and orientations, it’s been eye-opening for her and helped her embrace life. “Through the dating app and having a teenage son, I’ve realised just how fluid sexuality and gender can be today,” Nicky says. “So, when the pain subsided and I was ready to go back into the dating world again, I had a very open mind about it all. “The first person I slept with after Andy was a woman. I think that maybe it felt easier. It felt like, you know, I wasn’t trying to replace him. Obviously, it’s something I could never and would never do, but I felt that doing it that way felt, in some way, better to me. “But, ultimately, I knew that Andy would want me to be happy. And realising that certainly helped make things easier.” Nicky, who also runs the Widow’s Fire app and the SoberLove CIC, says that many of her friends also struggled initially to come to terms with the fact that she was dating women, having presumed she was ‘straight’ having married Andy. “I fall in love with people for who they are and not for what genitals they have,” she explains. “It’s something that is quite generational and takes a while for some people to understand but, actually, there’s a whole raft of 50-something women out there who want to explore their sexuality. “And, like I was, there are people who are in heterosexual marriages and relationships who would still define themselves as bisexual. And why shouldn’t they? I genuinely believe that sexuality is fluid and I know mine is. I don’t want to be labelled, I don’t want to be boxed in any way.” Speaking about bisexual erasure, Nicky says she is proud to be an openly bisexual in the hopes that it will encourage people to feel they can do the same – and she hopes it will also break down some of the barriers. “In terms of the LGBTQ+ acronym, I still feel like bisexual people are some of the most overlooked there alongside the trans community and people of colour,” she explains. “We have gay bars, we have lesbian bars, but there are no bisexual bars. “It’s one of the reasons why I have decided to be so proud of being bisexual. I want people to be aware that it is a thing no matter what point in your life you’re at. If it helps to break down some of the prejudices and misconceptions, then that’s a wonderful thing. “The only way to stop bisexuality from disappearing into the acronym is to keep shouting about it. I implore anyone who is bisexual to do the same.” Join our Manc Life WhatsApp group HERE
