Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My girlfriend has a selfish habit. Most of the time, she’s fun, sexy, a great listener, and the center of a party. But when she says she wants to go home (from an event, from my place to hers, etc.), there’s barely a 15-minute window before she throws a tantrum.
When that window is up, she’ll yawn constantly and totally check out of the conversation. She becomes short and detached. If we’re at my place, she’ll either stand up and leave mid-conversation or intentionally fall asleep while I’m talking. If we’re at an event, she’ll say, “I have to go” and Uber home without me. If I or the host pulls her back in socially, she’ll do an Irish goodbye. Later, I’ll get a text saying, “I’m tired, I went home,” with no apology.
I need her to understand how selfish this is. She can’t just unilaterally decide when we’re both leaving a party, or opt out of conversations. Relationships take flexibility, and she doesn’t have any if she’s not getting her way. If she did this at work, she’d get fired, so why does she think it’s OK to do it at home? Her friends make excuses for her, but I hate this. It’s not OK.
—It’s Rude and Disrespectful
Dear It’s Rude and Disrespectful,
This isn’t the point, but I certainly hope none of us are held to workplace standards in our personal lives. “If she did that at work, she’d get fired” is not your best argument. Most people would also be fired for drinking on the job, but I assume some of that is going on at the parties you attend.
Anyway, I can’t be 100 percent sure about what’s going on with your girlfriend or whether it may have roots in an official medical condition, but it seems to me that she legitimately gets exhausted, and it comes on suddenly. Also, she knows this about herself and takes responsibility for handling it. She’s not asking the DJ to turn the music down so she can take a nap when you’re out or forcing you to put pajamas on and go to bed with her when you’re at your place. She’s not dragging you out the door of a party if you’re not ready to leave. For the most part, she’s really just minding her own business and doing what she needs to do to get the rest she needs. “Becoming short and detached” is not the equivalent of throwing a tantrum.
I do understand that her behavior is abrupt and rude, and that the way she hits a wall so suddenly is a little outside of the norm. But harping on how unacceptable it is isn’t the way forward. Dating is, in part, for gathering information that helps you decide whether you want to take things to the next level with your partner. If you find this issue totally unacceptable, that’s fine. It’s OK if it’s a deal-breaker and you want to break up. But if you want to work together as a couple rather than harangue her into not behaving like she’s exhausted when she’s exhausted, there are options. Have more daytime hangouts. Make a plan in advance to go home separately, so it doesn’t feel like an attack when it happens. Or pay attention to how many hours she normally lasts before she needs rest, or what time she usually becomes tired, and set an alarm so that you both start to wind things down one or two hours before she crashes. That might feel less abrupt than only having a 15-minute warning.
I do sort of fear that you’ve already crossed over into having contempt for your girlfriend and how she operates. If you sincerely feel that she’s inflexible and unreasonable, take a page from her book and leave a situation that’s no longer working for you. Immediately.
Dear Prudence,
While I was at the wedding of a cousin, my brother-in-law, “Randal,” got trashed, came up from behind, and groped me. I had a glass of red wine in my hand, and I responded by turning around and throwing it all over him. Now my sister is angry.
She says that I “overreacted” and that her husband didn’t know what he was doing. Randal claims he thought that it was her he was feeling up to, which is ludicrous—I am nearly a foot taller than my sister, and she’s blonde while I’m brunette. Randal’s shirt was an expensive name-brand one, and she actually expects me to pay to replace it! I told her that would never happen. She went crying to our parents, and now they are encouraging me to buy Randal a new shirt, “so we can just put all the unpleasantness behind us.” How can I get them to understand that I’m not the one in the wrong here?
—Whining Over Wine
Dear Whining Over Wine,
Your parents are not going to understand because they think men get to do whatever they want, and they value superficial harmony over the experience of their own daughter. I hate that for you. But if they’re serious about wanting to put the unpleasantness behind them, they should go ahead and buy Randal his shirt. You should suggest that to them.
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Dear Prudence,
I moved to a new city with my boyfriend about six months ago. We love it here. The problem is I didn’t share this news with all my friends at the same time. For personal reasons I can’t yet understand, I have a history of sharing news at a delayed pace. I’ll tell my family about an upcoming solo trip the week before I’m off to leave. I won’t share that I’m in a new relationship with casual friends until it’s been going on for a while. I won’t tell anyone about a new date until the day of, etc. Not good. This secrecy is a bad and hurtful habit I’ve been working on correcting it.
I’ve shared my move in real-time with almost all of my friends, but I’ve only just now told three old friends from my teens (long-distance friends these days). I was vague in my language when telling them, so they now believe I’ve just moved in. I haven’t corrected that assumption yet. They want to visit, and I’d love to see them, but I don’t know how to navigate this situation when I’ve misled them.
I love these friends, and I feel close to them in many ways, even though we speak less frequently than we did when we all grew up in the same town. I’ve always been nervous about sharing relationship decisions with them because they are somewhat judgmental of other mutual friends’ major life decisions. Nonetheless, I’ve clearly let this one spiral out of control. I’ve behaved hurtfully, and I don’t want to cause any further hurt.
What should I do in this situation? Tell them friends everything? Figure out something to smooth out the lie? Something totally different? I want to take responsibility for my actions, but I am scared of the (deserved) blowback of coming clean.
—Moving in Silence
Dear Moving in Silence,
The good news is, this isn’t a secret that harms anyone. So go easy on yourself. You shared information about a move in a slow drip; you didn’t steal your best friend’s husband!
When it comes to living with behaviors that you recognize as maybe not ideal and feel some shame about, the secret—which I think a lot of people learn as they get a little bit older—is just to own the way you are. Remember that everyone has their issues, and the more honest you are about yours, the more you make other people feel comfortable with theirs. You can tell your friends, “I’d love for you to visit, and FYI, I know I’ve kind of let you guys believe that I just moved in, but the truth is I’ve been here for six months. I honestly don’t know why I’m like this, but I always hold off on sharing big news about my life. I’m working on it. For now, I just wanted to come clean!”
Classic Prudie
My younger brother “Matt” has been dating “Anya” for about two years. They recently got engaged. I was in town about a week ago, and Matt and Anya shared a secret with me—they aren’t into each other romantically at all. They both have had really bad luck with dating. They both really want to have kids and they’re getting older and finding it harder to see that as a possibility if they wait (Matt is 34, Anya is a bit younger but still in her 30s). Their plan is to get married, have kids, and live a “normal” life despite not loving each other in that way.