Adriana de Moura isn’t getting older, she’s just getting bolder. Delusional diva by day, Adriana grows increasingly irate at night, as a few cocktails and a flurry of paranoia transform her into a beast that destroys anything in its path—including, and especially, all goodwill toward her.
After a season sprinting past her competitors, Adriana might have face-planted on the final hurdle as The Real Housewives of Miami hurtles to an end. Who would’ve thought a woman who rose to fame punching Joanna Krupa in the face while making fun of her husband’s “limp p—-” could be so volatile?
Luckily, self-awareness is not a job requirement of a Real Housewife, the medium where a cringe crash-out is a sure-fire way to secure your job security. Really, the Real Housewives of Miami are embarrassing themselves all over the place this week.
Let’s start with a lovestruck Alexia. At dinner with Stephanie and Larsa, Alexia bumbles about the prospect of Todd going through with the divorce (which did in fact happen), while acting powerless in her own love bubble. When Larsa Pippen is spewing rationality in the face of delusion, it’s clear something is very wrong.
Months later, Alexia’s still singing the same song and dance, proving convoluted situationships have no expiration date, although friendships might. The tension between Alexia and Marysol continues to bubble, and that limo ride argument might be the most fractured we’ve ever seen them. That could mean everything, or it could mean nothing. It’s almost impossible to tell where any dynamic is going in the soap operatic world of Alexia Nepola.
Then there’s Julia, whose storyline this season is “my older wife and I adopted two babies and now my neglected daughters don’t speak to me.” Now, Julia has to celebrate Christmas all alone with her Twitter-obsessed wife and babies, a bittersweet realization that her family is frayed. Naturally, Julia takes a desperate video to send to her daughters, asking “do you miss us?” as though they’ve even met these babies.
Although Julia claims she and her girls are making baby steps toward reconciliation, Martina shoots down this fairytale facade to reveal her deep-rooted resentments with Julia’s daughters. Every moment of Julia solo footage hits deeply disturbing notes not seen since Shannon Beador’s first seasons, quite frankly. Something in the buttermilk is not clean.
Meanwhile, a newly divorced Lisa has decided she’s ready to get married to the boyfriend who acts more like a business manager. Of course, Jody’s not so sure this would be the smartest move for Lisa LLC, hesitant that a marriage between the two of them would just be more chaos. What could possibly make Jody think that? Lisa’s very calm, rational, and conflict averse. I’m sure there are beautiful days ahead for the stablest couple in Miami!
But, as I said before, the delusional crown sits comfortably atop Adriana’s inflated head tonight. It all starts so well, as the art maven hosts an Art Basel event, showcasing a side of herself we rarely see in Adriana’s friend-of era. Maybe Adriana’s more than foot-in-mouth commentary and drunken antics. Or, maybe not…
Although she begins the event with even Larsa on her side, ire over the birthday cake math equation leaves a newly 21 Adriana angrier than ever. Larsa thinks it was super insensitive to do that, given most of these women can’t do simple math. How is anyone supposed to know how old Adriana is if it isn’t spelled out?
So, Larsa leads a witch-hunt to figure out the culprit, even though Kiki nonchalantly confesses it was her on the way to the event. God forbid a woman make a joke in this climate! Comedy isn’t just unwanted on ABC; it’s strictly forbidden on birthday cake art. Adriana can’t focus on Art Basel until she figures out why someone would try to imply she’s 59 years old when everyone knows she’s not a day over 16.
All hell breaks loose once Lisa reveals that Kiki was the cake culprit, leading to a chain reaction that ends the episode in eye-covering insanity. It’s truly the strangest version of events, as Julia tries to defend Kiki’s intentions while Larsa shoots back to defend Adriana, a very odd dynamic shift that lasts for only a few more seconds. As, just when Adriana starts to win over the court of Miami opinion, her meltdown extends far beyond Julia.
Somehow, Adriana twists the entire situation and goes to tell everyone “Kiki’s calling me a racist,” which is simply not what happened. Not even a little. But, when you desperately yell at your token Black friend to absolve you of invisible allegations, you certainly start to look guilty.
“Kiki, you’re calling me a racist because I used the word wretched, so Carol has some words for you,” Adriana shouts, while Kiki looks baffled beyond belief. If you’re wondering who Carol is, she’s apparently Adriana’s best friend in the entire world, even though I’d swear we’ve never seen her before tonight’s episode. Convenient.
Rather than argue, Kiki ditches the party, hopping in a car at the speed of light, while self-aware icon Larsa declares “it’s not a good look” for Adriana. That’s probably the best method of action, given the more Adriana speaks, the worse it becomes: “I want Carol, who is a Black woman that I love and adore, to give her position on this!”
“I don’t care about the cake, I care about being called a racist!” Adriana says, having called herself a racist upwards of five times in two minutes, while no one else even said anything. Have you ever heard of the Streisand effect? Look it up in the dictionary, and you’ll find Adriana explaining it in five different languages. Adriana fully walked off the cliff of the arena, K.O.-ing on impact.