Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I are doing a trial run before we get married. I am renting out my condo and we are renting a house. He has a 10-year-old son with 50-50 custody. We generally get along because I make sure to keep in my place: I am not a parent and make sure that his father is the authority figure. The problem is that his ex-wife thinks she can treat me like an unpaid nanny with zero impact or input.
I “can’t” schedule a family visit to my own home during her custody week and take my nieces to an amusement park. It is unfair to her son. I “can’t” say no to last minute custody changes like taking her son to an eye appointment while my boyfriend is out of town and she doesn’t want to. I “can’t” refuse to make her son a new meal because he “doesn’t like” what I cooked (my boyfriend can heat up my leftovers and his son hoovers them down). My boyfriend is trying to run interference with his ex, but this is tiresome. She hates me because I exist, just like she has hated every other girlfriend in the past five years. Only I am sticking around.
So what’s happened now is that both our work schedules changed. She is 6-to-2 and I am 10-to-6. I like it because it allows me to sleep in, but I am willing to do drop-off duty when my boyfriend can’t. His ex feels I have to do the drop off every time. Even on her days. She said as much during the weekend custody exchange and got very loud while my boyfriend told her to kick rocks. She was yelling so loudly that I had to send the kid into the backyard and went to the front and told them the neighbors could hear the fight. His ex told me to fuck myself and that I don’t get a say. I laughed and told her to leave and consider any future consideration for her busy schedule off the table.
Well, she turned red and proceeded to scream her head off. My boyfriend threatened to call the cops. His ex left. And then we had a fight. He felt I was escalating things and I argued his ex was. He then said this is what I signed up for. I shot that down: I loved him. I was willing to step up to help with his son. But it was his son. I wasn’t going to be saddled with all the responsibilities but with no authority or respect. Especially from his ex! What should I do?
—Sleeping In
Dear Sleeping In,
It was really smart of you to decide to do a trial run. Just so we’re clear, a trial run is an experiment to see how things go—not a commitment to stay together when things are going terribly. I get that this isn’t how you hoped it would work out, but you have experienced living together and your boyfriend’s ex has made things miserable for you. Even worse, he isn’t willing to do anything about it. I know this sucks, but it really is the kind of information this whole thing was designed to reveal.
The only good news is that when your boyfriend says this is what you signed up for, he’s wrong! You didn’t actually sign up! You just accepted a free trial. You’re not married, you’re not engaged, you just have a boyfriend—and a lot of insight into how unhappy a deeper commitment to him would make you. It was a useful experiment, and now it’s time to end it.
Dear Prudence,
My fiancé and I are making plans for our wedding and have decided that our event will be alcohol free. We each have family members who are in the habit of overdoing it with the booze on special occasions which has resulted in everything from mildly embarrassing idiocy to fist fights. Should we tell them in advance that this is a dry wedding, or would it be better to say nothing?
—Trying to Keep Things Sober
Dear Sober,
Don’t say anything. Wedding invitations and websites don’t typically mention anything about the alcohol situation, so don’t owe your family members this information. Plus, if you were to make an announcement, they might show up with flasks or take shots in the parking lot and cause the same kind of scene you’re trying to avoid!
One other thing to consider: It’s possible that without a social lubricant, many of your guests—the regular ones, not the problematic relatives—are likely to feel a bit less festive and start yawning and slipping out the door not too long after your first dance. I’m not saying alcohol is necessary for fun. Some people are high on life. But not all. And there’s a reason that drinks are often served at weddings. Make sure you allow children to attend so they can take over the dance floor and make the reception feel celebratory.
Want more Prudie? Slate Plus members get an additional column each week. Sign up for Slate Plus now.
Dear Prudence,
Carrie and I have been friends for over 20 years, since college. Carrie has a bad habit of ghosting friends and partners when things get rough. Every three or four years when she is having issues, be it at work or in a relationship, she’ll change her phone number, her email, and even her address. She also has changed her profession many times (everything from graphic designer to pet store employee).
The problem is she never leaves me a forwarding address or way to stay in touch. The first time this happened I panicked and thought something awful had happened to her. I got in touch with her mom who told me she’d moved to a different city and eventually Carrie sent me an email and a heartfelt letter. The other times this happened I didn’t panic, but it’s still hurtful to suddenly discover my emails go unanswered or birthday cards are returned until Carrie remerges and contacts me.
Last month, Carrie broke up with her latest girlfriend, and I’m sure she’ll be going through the whole cycle again. Is there a way I can explain to Carrie that this behavior is not OK? When I’ve previously mentioned that she shouldn’t ghost me, she told me her mom would always put us in touch, but that doesn’t seem fair.
—Ghosted
Dear Ghosted,
Try showing her that the behavior is not OK rather than telling her. Make a personal policy that you don’t chase down people who ghost you, and that you don’t have to let them right back in when they resurface. I guess this is less about explaining to Carrie that what she’s doing is wrong, and more about deciding whether you want to deal when a friend who repeatedly disappears. Also worth thinking about is whether she really is a good friend to you if she thinks nothing of leaving you no way to reach her if you might need her.
Classic Prudie
My sister-in-law and I have very different political views. Actually, my entire family and I have very different political views: I’m liberal, and they aren’t. My parents and I had a very intense argument before the last election, such that we’ve mostly avoided discussing politics ever since. I usually only see my sister-in-law with my parents, as we’re not very close. During the most recent election, my brother told me that my sister-in-law and my mother spent a lot of time sharing conspiracy theories. She left our family group text and unfriended all Democrats on Facebook. She told my brother and mother that she wants nothing to do with me because I am “a communist who wants to kill babies.”