By The Onion Staff

Copyright theonion

SCOPELLO, SICILY—Beaming before the elegant pile of white powder, Charli XCX and her new husband George Daniel reportedly gathered their wedding guests together Sunday to cut the cocaine. “Wow, just look at that thing—it’s gorgeous,” said wedding guest Lucy Rumsey, who clapped and cheered as the pop star picked up a credit card and Daniel put his hand over hers so the pair could perform the ritual together. “Aw, look at the two of them. You can tell it’s the happiest day of their lives. The photos are going to be so cute. I told myself I wasn’t going to have any, but now that I see how beautiful it looks, I think I have to have a sliver.” At press time, sources confirmed the newlyweds were playfully smashing each other’s face with the coke.