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Dear Prudence,
My partner and I still wear KN95s indoors or in crowds. (We’re both at higher risk for COVID.) I believe masking is the considerate, sensible thing to do, but I understand not everyone feels that way, so I certainly don’t take it personally when people don’t mask around me. But if I’m traveling/sharing space with someone, I do ask that they test for COVID and then mask while we’re out and about. If they can’t or won’t do it, no problem; I just make other plans.
My family (me, my sister, her husband, and my parents) attends a big indoor festival every year. My parents live close by, so we all stay at their house for the duration of the festival. Last year, everyone agreed to wear a mask. But at the festival, I noticed all of them taking their masks off most of the time. It was too late to make alternate arrangements, so I stayed with them, but isolated and masked around the house.
This year, I really want to be able to relax and take my mask off in the mornings and evenings. Given what happened last year, I’m not confident they’ll mask again, so I’m planning to rent a hotel room. I know my parents will be hurt by this. I don’t really care if they do or don’t mask when I’m not around, but I’ll admit I’m hurt that they knew it was a safety issue for me, agreed to mask during my visit, and then didn’t. I know they love me, but I felt disrespected, and I spent the festival stressed out about my COVID safety assessment being thrown out of wack.
I want to skip the uncertainty this year. What is the most painless way to broach this subject? Should I book a hotel before or after talking to them? (I think if they seemed genuinely contrite and promised to make a real effort, I would stay with them again, but I’m also not interested in leveraging my presence to extort an apology.) Am I overthinking this? Does masking even matter anymore, now that the government thinks COVID isn’t real??? I’m crashing out here!
—Let Me Mask You a Question
Dear Let Me Mask You a Question,
I imagine this letter could set off an intense conversation about the risks of COVID, the current availability of vaccinations, and the extent to which asking others to mask is reasonable, given what you noted about the government’s position on the virus. But none of that really matters when it comes to giving you advice about how to handle the upcoming festival. The way I see it, your goal for attending is to have fun. And it will be very hard to accomplish that if you are:
Monitoring your family’s masking compliance (which you will be doing, even if they apologize and promise to do better, especially if they need to eat and drink, aren’t used to keeping masks on all day, and don’t really believe in their importance).
Absorbing the bad vibes and eye rolls that come with asking your family to mask at the festival.
Or navigating tension over your choice to stay in a hotel because of masking noncompliance.
So just book your room. Your worries about what your parents, sister, and brother-in-law are doing will evaporate, and you will be able to unmask in the mornings and evenings without a care in the world. Then tell your family. Doing what you need to feel comfortable is nothing to be ashamed of.
That said, I’m going to suggest that you lie about your reason for choosing to stay on your own. Don’t admit that it’s about masking. As I said before, if your family is offended and there’s tension between you all, suddenly the festival will cease to be an enjoyable experience. And if that’s going to be the case, you may as well stay home! So just explain to them that you [fill in the blank]:
Had some credit card points to use
Have work to catch up on in the mornings and evenings, and need the isolation
Haven’t been sleeping well, and thought you’d get better rest with blackout curtains and complete silence
Want to use the hotel gym
This approach is dishonest, yes. It’s also fine. This small lie doesn’t harm anyone, and it avoids a lot of potential tension. If you get any pushback when you announce your plans, just breezily say, “I hear you, but I still think it will work better for me. Who doesn’t love a hotel bed?” and then change the topic and start talking about the festival acts you can’t wait to see.
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are retired, and we were enjoying our lives until our next-door neighbors moved away and a couple with three beagles moved in. These dogs bark practically 24 hours a day. Asking the neighbors to control their dogs has earned us nothing but being cursed out and having the door slammed in our face. Our complaints to the city have just resulted in a few citations that obviously have had no impact.
At this point, my husband and I could not sell our house to move away, even if we wanted to; no one would buy a house that sounds like it’s next to a dog kennel. My husband has gotten to the point where he says he’s ready to lace some raw hamburger meat with chocolate and raisins and throw it over their fence. Ordinarily, I would be appalled, but the endless barking has gotten to the point where I’ve developed hypertension that I’ve never had before. Assuming he’s serious, do I have permission to look the other way?
—Dire Dog Debacle
Dear Dire,
Repeat after me: I will not encourage or allow my husband to murder an innocent animal—even if the animal is loud. We do not kill dogs. You need to be abundantly clear with him about this, and do everything in your power to stop him if he ever seems likely to follow through on his threats.
Then, put on some noise-canceling headphones on top of the kind earplugs that you shove right into your ear and take 10 deep breaths. You are safe. Your husband is safe. You are just annoyed, and you can survive being annoyed (and not take anyone else’s life) until you figure this out.
When you calm down and stop plotting crimes, you will realize you have options. Take the time you would have spent averting your eyes as your husband shoved chocolate chips into a hamburger patty and escalate the issue with the city. Maybe physically go to the relevant office and explain the situation. Post on Nextdoor and ask if anyone else is having the same issue and how they’re handling it. Call the local non-emergency number if you haven’t already. Call animal control—and keep calling so your neighbors know you won’t give up. Spend a few weeks keeping a log and audio recording of the noise for your records. And if nothing has helped, bring all of this to an attorney to discuss the potential for a civil complaint. I’d rather see the law involved this way than the alternative: arresting your husband for killing a dog.
Prudie Wants to Hear From You!
Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us!
Dear Prudence,
Lately, my friend has been a bit depressed. I’ve known her for a long time, so I know that her mom is a bit strict, but sometimes it seems unreasonable. She’s a great friend who has helped me a lot, so now I want to help her, too. I’ve been told all I can really do is be a good friend, but I don’t know what to do.
—Just Want to Help
Dear Just Want to Help,
I read an article sometime in the past decade or so that really stuck with me about how to support someone who’s depressed (I’ve searched everywhere for it to no avail—maybe a reader remembers it and can help me out). The advice was to forget about cheering them up, distracting them, or reminding them that they’re loved— approaches that a lot of us default to when we’re comforting someone—and instead affirm that things are hard for them and you understand that they’re really suffering.
So if your friend says, “I just don’t even feel like doing anything! My mom has ruined my life with all her rules,” don’t say, “Hey, at least you have your health!” or “So many people love you and think you’re great!” or “Don’t worry, things will get better!” Instead, try something like, “I know it must be so hard to live with someone who doesn’t let you have any independence and gets mad at you for normal stuff. Anyone would be upset about that. I hate it for you, and I’m so sorry.”
Really let her know that you see how bad things are for her. You should absolutely, at the right moment, ask her if there’s anything that would help, and nudge her to get support, too (it sounds like you two are teens or young adults? Maybe her school has counseling services?). And if you start to get really worried about her or think she might harm herself, tell an adult. But affirming how tough things are for her without trying to talk her out of the way she’s feeling may go a long way. So would a reminder that she’s been a great friend to you (tell her about all the specific ways!) and that you want to return the favor. It won’t cure her depression, but it might take away any hesitation she has about opening up.
Classic Prudie
Growing up, I had to be self-reliant—one parent worked evenings, and the other was emotionally abusive and eventually resorted to alcoholism. Fast-forward to today, and my parents and I have had a better relationship since we’ve lived in separate households. Because of a job transfer, I moved closer to my parents last month. There’s still a good 30-45-minute distance between our homes. The problem? I now find myself—at 40+—with a helicopter parent.