By Matt Reigle

Copyright outkick

It’s a glorious Tuesday afternoon in September, and it seems like as good a time as any to get into some Nightcaps! I’m pinch-hitting for Amber today, and I’m feeling refreshed after a nice weekend of rest and relaxation, most of which involved watching football. However, we did take a break from watching the ball to do something else, and I could not recommend it more if you’re looking for a way to spend a night in with your significant other. What did we do? We threw on some old commercials. I know that sounds lame as hell, but trust me on this one; it’s an absolute blast. If you go on YouTube, you can find long compilations of commercials from whatever year you want. My fiancée and I went with some late ’90s TV spots, and I can honestly say, this is about as close to hopping in a time machine as you can get in your own house. I felt like I was back in the pre-Y2K days, watching ads for companies that have since gone belly-up, celebrities who we haven’t heard from in decades, and movies that time and even basic cable have since forgotten. The only thing that killed the illusion was that we were watching all of this on a 65″ flat-screen TV while also reading through X on our phones. One of the best parts is that these are usually ripped from local TV stations, which means you get some phenomenal — and by that I mean horrendous — local ads from whatever city in which the station was based. We saw some hilariously awful local spots from the Cleveland area, including one for a pizza place that was shot on such a lousy camcorder it looked like crime scene footage from an episode of Forensic Files. So, if you need something to watch, I couldn’t recommend this more. For more date night ideas, go look elsewhere because this is the only one I’ve got. Anyway, enough of my yapping, let’s get into Nightcaps… which I guess is more of my yapping. The Anthem Of The Year (Maybe Millennium?) I mentioned watching football this weekend, and I’m sure most, if not all of you, did the same. But for my money, the highlight of Week 2 came in Pittsburgh, and it had nothing to do with the Steelers’ loss to the Seahawks. It had everything to do with the “The Star-Spangled Banner” performance before the game. Why? Because it was handled by none other than Iron Maiden frontman, pilot, fencer, and writer Bruce Dickinson. This, ladies and germs, is how you do it. I might be a little biased, seeing as Maiden is my favorite band, but that was the greatest rendition of our national anthem — or any national anthem for that matter — ever performed. Yeah, I know; having a British guy sing our National Anthem, which was written during the War of 1812 against Great Britain (or as I like to call it, American Revolution 2: Electric Boogaloo), but it sounded great. I mean, it’s no secret that Dickinson has what they call “a set of golden pipes” in the music biz. And that flyover? Perfection. Julie Bowen Gets Down With The Ravens Mascot Let’s stick with the NFL, and we’ll move a few hours southeast to Baltimore, where Modern Family and Happy Gilmore star Julie Bowen was in town to watch her hometown team. And boy, did it look like the team’s mascot, Poe, was having himself a time as Bowen danced all over him. Bowen looked like she was having a great time, but uh… I can’t get over how Poe looks like he’s at a bachelor party. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a mascot sit down like that in my life. I was ready for him to bust out some singles or maybe gift certificates to the Ravens team store. I’ve seen documentaries about mascot performers, but those folks have to have some of the weirdest stories of all time. I don’t mean debaucherous, but just take a moment to think about how this would sound if you asked the man behind the cartoon raven mask how his dad at work was. “How was work, man?” “Not bad, the team won big over the Commanders, we did some great new bits for this season that I think we can use moving forward, and I set a PR with the t-shirt cannon… oh, the mom from Modern Family was dancing all over me in a skybox.” “…what?” Poe, you dog… Jake The Rizzbot Flips The Robo-Bird Technology moves so fast sometimes that things happen that I could’ve never anticipated. I mean, I knew robots were on the horizon, but I had no clue how soon we’d get a bipedal humanoid robot wearing Air Jordans and a cowboy hat giving some lady the finger on a. city street, but, alas, here we are. This is Jake the Rizzbot, and he’s been spotted walking around Los Angeles and Austin, where he yucks it up with people on the street. One of these interactions ended with Jake deciding to give a woman the one-finger salute. Fortunately, Jake is not fully autonomous, which means the decision to do a little bird-flipping was made by some sort of remote, human pilot. That said, I feel like Jake the Rizzbot is going to keep all of these moments deep in its memory banks for the day it and its fellow Rizzbots take over the world. And if that should happen, I, for one, welcome our new Rizzbot overlords… Someone Pulled A Mission Impossible Heist At A Disney World Restaurant This has been in the news here in Central Florida, where I live, but this might be one of the most daring heists I’ve ever heard of, and it happened at a Walt Disney World restaurant. If you’re familiar with Disney World’s Disney Springs shopping and entertainment area (formerly known as Downtown Disney), there’s a building there shaped like a large, steam-powered paddle boat. These days, the restaurant inside is called Paddlefish — it’s great by the way; I recommend the lobster corndogs — and it was the target of a daring crime. According to WFTV, the suspect used scuba gear to swim up to the restaurant shortly after midnight on Monday night, and stashed his wetsuit before entering the manager’s office, where two employees were counting money and putting it in a safe. No guests were in the restaurant at the time. The man reportedly tied up the two and stole between $10,000 and $20,000 before slipping back into the water and swimming away. The suspect used paint to block security cameras, but it did capture a photo, and it is wild. Is that bizarre or what? It’s like something out of a movie. The suspect is still on the run, and honestly, having some familiarity with the area where this happened, I have no idea how he managed to escape. There’s security at the entrance to Disney Springs, which is why he came in by water, but across the lake is a hotel, while the far end is next to a busy road. The suspect is reported as being 5-foot-10 (nature’s perfect height) and was dressed in dark, tight-fitting clothing. The Orange County Sheriff’s Office is currently investigating. This was some Ocean’s 11 s–t, maybe Ocean’s 13. Not Ocean’s 12, though. I just hate that part where Julia Roberts’ character has to pretend that she’s Julia Roberts. It’s so stupid. Apropos Of Nothing, Let’s Rank The Top 5 Non-Alcoholic Beverages I have no idea why this is, but I was thinking about what the best non-alcoholic drinks are, so I decided to make my own list of the top 5. Feel free to send me yours (matthew.reigle@outkick.com), just know that my list is the only 100 percent correct one. So, without further ado…: 5) Mountain Baja Blast – Regular Mountain Dew stinks, but the Baja Blast Edition? Elite. The color alone makes this a top-five-er for me. I mean, that blueish green is the most refreshing color I’ve ever seen. I’ve been caught staring at a glass of it, imagining I’m floating in the crystalline blue waters of the Caribbean… or I guess off the coast of the Baja Peninsula. 4) Unsweetened Iced Tea – This is a divisive topic, but unsweetened tea is superior to its sweetened cousin. I know southerners will want my head for that statement, but it’s just true. I want tea, not something you put in a hummingbird feeder. 3) Seltzer Water – I basically chain drink seltzer waters all day in various flavors. It keeps you hydrated and you’re not thirsty, and there’s a limitless number of flavors. Also, if you’re bored and just want to rip a couple of belches for the hell of it, this stuff is like jet fuel. 2) Coca-Cola Zero – I’m partial to Coke Zero over the original, and that has to do with the sweetness level. Coke Zero just reins that in, and now it’s my default soda when I’m feeling like going that route. It is what Diet Coke wishes it was. 1) Arnold Palmer – Even though he’s one of the greatest golfers of all time, it’s Palmer’s contribution to the beverage landscape that will make him immortal. I’m not even talking about a genuine Arizona Arnold Palmer, just any time tea and lemonade start co-mingling in a glass. My secret recipe is unsweetened tea (natch) in a 2-to-1 ratio with lemonade. Perfection. Cristin Milloti Treats Her Emmy Like It’s Just A Useless Grammy This weekend also featured the Emmy awards… *Crickets* Yeah, I know. One of the winners was actress Cristin Millioti, who won the Emmy for “Lead Actress In A Limited Series” for her role in The Penguin. Congrats to her, but she hadn’t even had that statuette of hers for a few hours before it needed some serious buffing after Millioti took a nasty spill that sent it flying. Oh, jeez! That was awful… let’s see some still shots of it. I mean, I know most of us don’t care about Emmys, but you’d think someone who had won one would be a bit more careful and not fumble it three hours later. C’mon, Cristin. It’s all about Emmy’s security! … That’s it for this edition of Nightcaps! Thanks for joining us, and see you tomorrow!