DEAR ABBY:
Both my parents had birthdays days apart and near a holiday. About 35 years ago, they started a tradition of having an elaborate party on or near their birthdays. My siblings and I were grown. The guests were their friends, and we were mostly bored out of our minds. As we married and had kids, we were invited to our own friends’ holiday parties but were made to feel extremely guilty if we tried to skip our parents’ party. The older they got, the more they expected us to set up, cook and tear down.
Dad got sick a couple of years ago and recently passed. The parties continued even though Dad could barely stay awake. Mom, age 85, still insists on keeping it going. Fewer guests are attending due to age-related issues. Some can no longer drive. The problem is, we do all the work. One sibling lives in another state, and it’s a long trip to come and work the whole time. Their spouse also has health issues.
My siblings and I feel we are done holding such a big event every year. Actually, we’re just done, period. How do we approach our mom about it?
– DONE IN WASHINGTON
DEAR DONE:
I assume that you and your siblings plan to do SOMETHING with your aged mother on her special day. Tell her via a group or in-person chat that you love her, but the annual birthday bash cannot continue because it has become too much for you, considering that you all have responsibilities to your own families. As long as the occasion is celebrated, it shouldn’t matter how “grand” it is. Because her crowd of friends has diminished, perhaps lunch at a restaurant and a birthday cake would be manageable.