By Lisi Tesher

Copyright thestar

Q My husband’s birthday is looming and it’s always a time of strife and contention in our home. He wants the day to come and go as though it’s any day, no matter how old he’s turning. We have two young girls who are obsessed with birthdays, birthday parties, giving and getting gifts. They have a little book in which they write down all their friends’ (combined) birthdays and they literally check it every day; it’s so sweet.

And I love birthdays — my own, the kids’ and anyone else’s. We all come by it honestly because I grew up in a family that celebrated everything, especially birthdays. So it comes from a place of love, joy and the chance to celebrate anything good in this world.

The girls know it’s daddy’s birthday soon and they’ve already begun planning their gift and how they’re going to celebrate with him. The problem is, he hates it. All of it. The hoopla, the spotlight, the gifts, everything. But with his dislike comes a coldness I can’t bear.

How can I protect the children from his dark cloud?

Birthday Grinch

A Your husband clearly has an issue. It’s the antithesis of how you behave, think, feel about the same issue. No wonder it’s causing strife in your life.

Now, if it’s the only issue in which you two are so diametrically opposed, you could work through it. If, however, it’s one of many, you may be in for more marital trouble down the road.

I suggest you sit him down and talk to your husband. Have you ever really understood why he hates his birthday so much? Knowing his why could help you understand him better. You two could also seek professional counselling to help you work through this huge chasm, to figure out how to either find middle ground, or allow for each other’s extremes to live together harmoniously. Also, if he can vocalize why he hates birthdays, perhaps the marriage counsellor could help steer him towards a personal therapist to work through his issue, if applicable.

I’m also unclear as to whether he hates all birthdays and is a grinch for yours and the children’s, or just his own. If the latter, it’ll be easier to work with; if the former, this is an ongoing issue that needs to be addressed before it tears your family apart.

Q I just found out one of my friends — not a very close friend, but a decent friend — has thrown me under the bus regarding another friend. Apparently, she told our mutual friend I was interested in dating that person’s ex, and that’s why I wasn’t at her annual end-of-summer bash.

Neither of those things are true, but now I know why our mutual friend has been ghosting me. I don’t have any interest in her ex and I’ve just recently started seeing someone new who I was maybe going to bring to the bash. Unfortunately, my mother got COVID, and I needed to help take care of my brother’s kids as he was away and my mom was babysitting. Trust me, I would have rather been at the party.

I’ve tried to speak to both women, but neither will return my calls or texts. What gives?

A This ‘friend’ sounds like anything but. I think you should be grateful they aren’t returning your calls. As for the mutual friend, they’re obviously being hugely influenced by this other person.

It’s up to you: if you don’t care that much about the relationship, let it go. They don’t seem to have your best interests at heart. If you do care, find them in person and explain. What they do with the information is out of your control, but at least you know you made your best efforts.

FEEDBACK Regarding the friends’ night out (June 14):

Reader: “Interesting that you didn’t comment on the context — i.e., just how smart is it to get inebriated on a night out? Adulting means thinking about possible consequences beforehand. Offending a friend or two is hardly the worst thing that could happen.”

Lisi: It’s not my place to judge. That wasn’t the issue.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman put on standby while her two kids got seats (June 16):

Reader: “To minimize the chances of this happening:

1) Pay extra and book your seats when you book your flight; 2) Check in online 24 hours before your flight. Don’t wait until you get to the airport; you’ll have a better choice of seats; and 3) If you do get put on standby, don’t scream at the airline staff. This is very abusive especially when it’s not their fault and they’re just trying to do their job.”