By Ron Hart
Copyright dailycaller
The news cycle finally slowed down when Trump took an unusual three days off over the Labor Day weekend. The media speculated (aka hoped) he died. When Trump returned to do a press conference, the media had angry questions like, “Why do you continue to refuse to admit that you died?”
The good news is that this allows me to write about one of my favorite things: college football.
If you drive south in the fall, about the time you start seeing Elvis artwork, Trump merchandise stores and shot glasses with the Confederate flags on them, folks will be watching SEC football. That pastime stretches from Kentucky south to Orlando. If you drive south of Tampa, then you are back in New York.
Seventeen of the top twenty-five ranked college football teams are from the South, but the Southern advantage has waned in the last couple of years. Gone are the days college kids pridefully played for their home state. NIL (Name, Image, Likeness) money has, predictably, made them mobile mercenaries. (RELATED: Here We Go: Student-Athletes Slap NCAA With Lawsuit To Change ‘Redshirt Rule’)
Rest assured, the South’s historic dominance of the North in football is rooted in far deeper issues than an amateur athletic contest. And it bothers the blue Northern states that Southern football might just be maneuvers in preparation for secession.
College football is uber competitive now as legendary 74-year-old ex-NFL coach Bill Belichick is finding out. His UNC team got demolished by TCU 48 to 14. The only way it could have been more embarrassing is if the spread was 74 to 24.
It got worse from there. Upon seeing his debut loss, Belichick’s 24-year-old fiancée hit the transfer portal and has now narrowed her dating options to Lee Corso, Barry Switzer or Jimmy Johnson.
Thus, with NIL corporate money advantaging the North, college football will start coming down to the Big Ten versus the SEC. Remember, college football came of age shortly after the Civil War. It was a safer way for Southern and Northern states to keep fighting. (RELATED: New Chapter Of College Sports Begins As ‘House Settlement’ Goes Into Effect)
We Southerners take pride in football like Northerners do in corrupt politicians, high taxes, cold weather, rampant crime and potholes. It is an article of faith here in the “Bible Belt” that SEC football is holy. You are to have no other gods before it, not even NASCAR or the lottery. Ladies, if you have something to say to your man, say it before kickoff.
Drug companies market stiffy pills to football’s male audience. That could end under RFK Jr.’s goal to make drug companies advertise more warning labels in their relentless ads. Now, if after taking Cialis or Viagra, your erection lasts more than 4 hours, you will be advised to look at Rosie O’Donnell’s Instagram feed.
Northeastern elites resent Southern football. To be fair to the people of New York and New Jersey, if I lived in a state that smelled like bong water and never had any real college football, I’d be mad too. You are just left with hockey — which is its own punishment.
Football is the modern-day “bread and circuses” meant to placate citizens. Psychiatrists will tell you football satisfies the primal human thirst for war. But Washington, D.C. politicians go ahead and get us in a bunch of wars, too, just to be on the safe side.
On the bright side, with Trump in office, sex and sports are back. He was at the U.S. Open tennis tournament in New York last weekend and was met with applause. It was the first time Trump was near a court in New York where he was not facing charges from a liberal judge.
American Eagle jeans have leveraged the cleavage of the sexy Floridian Sydney Sweeney and will have her commercials on football games. It’s groundbreaking; boobs remain the only proof that men can concentrate on two things at the same time.
Even though I live in Tennessee, I have never been a big UT fan. Bama, UGA, Vandy and Memphis are my teams. But to my Tennessee fans I must remind you that you last won a national title in 1998. Those who remember that are likely dead by natural causes by now or certainly need to be reminded to get their second colonoscopy.
I wanted to attend the Tennessee versus Georgia game in Knoxville, but tickets are going for up to $2,000. I love drinking bourbon, eating BBQ, betting and watching an SEC game. It is sad that everything I love is expensive, calorific, illegal or won’t return my phone calls.
A libertarian op-ed humorist and award-winning author, Ron does commentary on radio and TV. He can be contacted at Ron@RonaldHart.com or @RonaldHart on Twitter.
