Dear Eric: I’m 81 years old and my husband is 84. We were comfortably retired until our 44-year-old daughter and 9-year-old granddaughter moved in with us a few weeks ago. Our daughter was evicted from her condo because her ex-husband stopped paying. (I don’t blame him.)
She’s a college graduate and hasn’t worked at a job in her field for 10 years, because her ex helped her start her own business, which has never provided a living wage. The business has now failed.
She says she’s looking for a job but hasn’t found anything.
My problem is that I’m neat and she’s messy. If my daughter or granddaughter drop something on the floor, they don’t pick it up. If they cook, they leave food on the stove and counter. The two rooms that they’re using have clothes and “mess” everywhere. When I ask her to do something, she gets impatient and mad.
I don’t know what to do! She’s making me so stressed-out that my friends think I’m sick.
My husband and I can’t afford to put her in her own place, because it would deplete our savings. She’s already on Medicaid; she gets a small amount of money from the ex for child support but cannot take care of herself.
If you have any suggestions, please help.
— Mother in Mess
Dear Mother: Your daughter is in a tough spot and you’re being very generous in your attempts to keep her afloat. That generosity need not come without strings, however. In fact, some ground rules and expectations about her stay in your house will help everyone.
Start by talking with your husband about what your shared expectations and hopes are for your new living situation. Confirm that you’re on the same page about things like cleaning up, noise, and chores. Also talk through what you’re both envisioning for a timeline, i.e., is your daughter staying indefinitely? Is this always a rent-free situation? Are there other expectations in place of rent? Write these things down, if it helps you.
Then together talk with your daughter about your expectations and about hers. Right now, a lot of the conflict is coming from two very different living styles crashing together. There’s work that can be done on both sides to better coexist, but it’s important to remember that she is living in your house. It’s not a shared space; it’s a space that is being lent to her. Making plain what you need to feel respected in your own home sets a healthier dynamic and teaches your granddaughter a valuable skill.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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