Dr. Lilian Ijomah Olanrewaju encapsulates Interval House‘s Against All Odds campaign, which kicked off Domestic Violence Awareness Month Wednesday at the Connecticut State Capitol.
The 52-year-old domestic violence survivor spoke about her 19 years of being in an abusive relationship and how, with the help of Interval House, she has flourished professionally and personally.
“For me, every opportunity I have to tell my story, I always take that chance because so many people are not aware of domestic violence,” said Olanrewaju, who moved from her native Nigeria to East Hartford in 1997 and has three children.
“In my case, it was 19 years, and the whole time, nobody knew. I’d come outside and I look so perfect. And then when the door closes, it’s a different life that people didn’t know about. And so giving it a voice, it’s very meaningful to me because it can happen to anyone.”
Olanrewaju said her relationship included physical, psychological, emotional, sexual and financial abuse.
“Without Interval House, there were things that were going on that I didn’t see as an abuse,” Olanrewaju said. “Being in the support group with all the women that are in the same situation helped me understand what abuse is all about. For me, it was love, but then I found out that it was not love, it was abuse, it was about power and control. Interval House provided me with resources, tools, things that I didn’t know about. Without Interval House, I don’t know what would have happened to me.”
Olanrewaju said on a “20/20” segment hosted by Diane Sawyer, sheasked a domestic violence survivor what their advice would be to anyone in their same situation.
“The woman said to call the police and tell someone and that’s what I did,” Olanrewaju said. “I told someone and they gave me the Interval House contact. I called and I was there on my own every single week. Even after the divorce, I went back for another six months just to support other women that found themselves in the same situation.
“Everybody’s concerned about how difficult it is to share the personal story,” she added. “It’s just trying to save lives. Trying to save other women. So if I keep this story myself, I will not inspire anyone, just like I watched the interview and did something about my situation. Somebody might listen to me and do something about the situation and see help.”
Olanrewaju said that growing up in Nigeria, she believed that abuse was normal.
“Back then, if your husband is slapping you, hitting you, your parents will tell you to go back. It’s part of the marriage,” Olanrewaju said. “That’s what you have to do with. And then when we moved here, I found out that it was not normal. It’s not accepted here, you know.
“We tried to make it work, but it kept getting worse to the point where I was afraid that he would even kill me or kill my kids, and I end up on TV that a husband was enraged and killed their family,” she added. “I didn’t want that for my kids and myself. And I needed my kids, two daughters and son, to have a normal life because this was not what a real family is. I had to show them all of them that you can get out, you could make that decision. It was difficult, but I had to do what I had to do and Interval House supported me.”
Olanrewaju is now a program director at the Hartford Juvenile Detention Center after obtaining two master’s degrees as well as a doctoral degree in education.
Olanrewaju was joined at the press conference on Wednesday by Interval House President Mary-Jane Foster, lawmakers and advocates.
Foster spoke after Olanrewaju with tears in her eyes and said that’s why Interval House’s work is so important.
“People often ask us how it is we are able to do what we do,” Foster said. “We’re not always successful, unfortunately, but when we are and you see someone like Lilian, you see the astonishing things that can happen with those changes. It is it makes you feel so grateful, and I feel so privileged to be able to do that.”
Foster said since COVID, the number of clients for Interval House has gone up 15% and has not dropped.
“Even if Interval House could manage those numbers — and we have and we do — it shouldn’t be tolerable. It shouldn’t be where we are and what we have to do,” Foster said. “We all know that not all men are abusive, but we also know that 92% of abusers are men. These women that are victims are your mothers, your grandmothers, your aunts, your nieces, your sisters, your daughters, your work colleagues, your best friend and hopefully not your wife. So how do we tolerate this violence against women?”
According to Amanda Delaura, director of advancement for Interval House, women aged 18-24 are most likely to experience domestic violence and 72% of teens 13 and 14 years old are in a dating.
Foster is pointing at prevention as the way to buck the growing trend of domestic violence. She said Interval House has increased its outreach to the community by 230% in the last 18 months and has also partnered with other major agencies.
“I’m going to be relentless about this until the focus of prevention and crisis management are the same,” Foster said. “I’m going to be relentless about this because we can’t sustain or tolerate what is going on right now and prevention is the key.”
Interval House has 31 advocates in direct service and eight in courthouses. Foster said Interval House has the largest court advocacy in the state.
“We are working more closely with Hartford HealthCare and UConn Health training nurses and emergency nurses for the signs of domestic violence,” Foster said.
Foster said Interval House is also working with houses of faith and human resource departments because she said that “domestic violence doesn’t stay in the house, it also goes to work.”
Foster said she is concerned about federal cuts from the government, with the government currently shutdown.
“We know these cuts are coming, we just don’t know when, we just don’t know why and how much, but we are doing our very best to be as to prepared for them as we can.”
Interval House serves 24 towns and cities in the Greater Hartford area and in those towns serves 4,500 to 6,000 annually with as many as 36,000 sessions of service in 2024, she said.
Among the other speakers on Wednesday were Hartford Mayor Arunan Arulampalam, Deputy Majority Leader Matt Lesser, D-Middletown, and Speaker of the House Matt Ritter, D-Hartford.
Ritter said that Connecticut has been a leader in this issue, and the state was there when the federal government made cuts in the past. He added that, even if the current government shutdown is for an extended period and additional resources are needed for these groups, that the state legislature will be there for them.
Lesser, who chairs the Human Services Committee, said one of the challenges they are wrestling with are new cuts coming from the federal government “that impact our ability to deliver services to this population, because we know that the most important thing for anyone in an unsafe relationship is to get them into a safe space, to figure out what we can do to get them out of that unsafe situation,” he said.
“In order to make that happen, we need services and supports for those individuals,” Lesser added. “Some of that is food, some of that is shelter, and some of that is healthcare. And unfortunately, the HR1 federal budget bill that passed in July takes away final exemptions that Connecticut has relied on and to provide SNAP, food stamps, food and Medicaid and shelter to survivors of domestic violence. I’m very grateful to hear the words of Speaker Ritter in making a commitment. We have to make sure that those folks don’t fall through the gaps. Some of those cuts are taking effect in the next 30 days.”
To honor Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Interval House is holding a number of events.
The Jennifer Farber Dulos Memorial Walk to End Domestic Violence will take place on Saturday at 9 a.m. at Dunkin’ Park in Hartford. The goal is to honor victims and survivors. There will be a one-mile walk in the park starting at 10 a.m. and a brief program and a moment of silence. The event is stroller, wheelchair and dog friendly and will be held rain or shine. Registration is $50 for adults, $25 for team members and children are free.
Interval House is celebrating Purple Thursday on Oct. 16. The public is asked to wear purple and post a selfie tagging Interval House on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn. The idea is to start a conversation about domestic violence.